Teen Had Group Sex in Public View

You know, when you read a newspaper headline like “Teen had group sex in public view”, you would think they would have the decency to include pictures.

Now I’m not talking about pictures of the act itself, although if they were to print those I, like thousands of other horny males would fell compelled to view them. We wouldn’t enjoy it mind you. No, what we really want to know is was she hot or not? Because it’s bad enough reading a story that makes it seem as though everyone else is getting better sexy time than you, but if it was a hot chick putting out too? Then that would keep a lad going for quite some time I can tell you.

It never is of course. Like when you hear some teacher or babysitter has jumped her 14 year old male ward and we all think ‘Oh yeah, another Penthouse forum just wrote itself’! Then it turns out, when you finally see a picture of her, that she’s the type of bird you’d have to roll in flour to get to the wet bits and suddenly it’s not so cool. Or prostitutes, who in the movies and TV are so pretty they could be waitresses and are so ridiculously hot that it’s almost unbelievable that they would need to be paid for sex. Almost, but not quite. Hey, if the top is coming off, we’ll believe anything.

These misconceptions we fellas have are down to Porn. Ever since we realised it did something if you played with it, we’ve been right sucked in by the one medium that has served as our single most comprehensive guide to sex and relationships and led us to believe, quite wrongly I’m told, that every girl wants in the bum. Porn it would seem, has a lot to answer for.

But then so too has my mate Big Al who this week made me view the single most disturbing thing on the web that I’ve ever seen – and I’ve seen a lot of disturbing things. Yet ironically, repulsed though I was, I had to watch it all right till the end. Again, it’s a male thing; we have to watch because if we don’t, we worry that we might miss some tidbit that makes us a better lay. it didn't hold any such gems unfortunately, but it has put me right off chocolate Mr Whippy icecream.

Coffee enemas. Now there's something that had to be thought up by a sexual deviant. It's all the rage in detox land, is pumping a couple of cups of cold coffee up your date. Does wonderful things to your colon they reckon. Quite frankly, if you're the kind of cat that is willing to pay someone a huge amount of your hard earned cash for them to suggest jamming something up your shitter is going to make you healthy and you take their word for it, then I'd recommend replacing the coffee with a pistol and pulling the trigger until it goes click. You twat.

My mate Jase’s Mum and dad had a mega porn collection. In truth it was only half a dozen tapes but in the eyes of a roomful of 16 year old boys with swollen testes, that was a mega haul. Conveniently for us, they were into their stock car racing and would travel every other weekend meaning that we chaps would head up to his house for a sleep over and 24 hours of masturbating our brains out. At night we would all lay on the floor in the lounge in our sleeping bags, with our knees bent, watching back to back skin flicks. Every 20 minutes or so someone would make a 10 minute visit to the toilet, where they either were doing what I was doing, or there was a really bad shared case of the runs happening every other weekend too.

Thankfully those days are no more and the new generation of wankers can surf the net one handed in the privacy of their own room. Even so, I still reckon that out there somewhere, even now, a group of lads are trying to play it cool and not make it too obvious to anyone else in the room that they’ve cracked one over the video with the bad tracking they’re all watching.

Ever notice how attractive blonde girls seem to be hanging out in twos or threes these days? It’s quite the phenomenon. I thought it was standard sheila practice to hang out with at least one poo chick and thus increase your chances of being noticed, but that doesn’t seem to happen any more. Thankfully we blokes still live by those rules, and will often surround ourselves with several of evolutions missing links in order to bump up our chances of being noticed by a threesome of blondes. It usually backfires though and inevitably we end up as a group of munters who all think we’re better looking than the guy next to us. Which we're not.

So I guess if all the blondies are hanging together and the sultry brunettes that look good in any number do their own thing, then the poor old Plain Jane’s and aesthetically challenged have to either go it alone, or have group sex in a public place.

But if only we could see the pictures to make sure that’s how it goes….