The Cut Lunch (Perfect for a road trip)

ClubDes is taking the magic to the masses for the next two weeks and where we're going they still have the Internet, but only in cafes where you have to wait in a queue behind several tourists all of which will spend the next hour downloading 637 almost identical images of themselves doing touristy things from their cameras to send to the family back home. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but you've seen one bush walk you've seen them all we reckon so save that shit for when you're at home with your own PC aye? Some of us are trying to discreetly download porn here and get a little of our own bush action and you pricks are slowing down the network!

Seeing as patience is not one of our stronger points, we at ClubDes won't be playing that game, that's not how we roll. So we'll be taking a break from the blog for the next two weeks and will be back in the first week of Feb with a whole new spotlight on passion wagons, the usual witty repartee and who knows, we might even get a few up skirts whilst on holiday. That or some sneaky bikini shots from the beach or maybe even the pic of our chopper we like to take on other family members cameras without their knowledge. There's nothing Grandma likes more than when she's getting her prints done and finds a big ol' cock amongst them.

There might even be the odd paragraph of brilliance because you never know, we might just get a seat between Sven, Klaus and TingTong at the nearest Internet cafe and you know us, two weeks in a city where us locals are in the minority is bound to piss us off more than once.

Until then, up yours.

Scientology, or Soggy Biscut?

If there is two sure things I’ve learnt in life its: Don’t believe the hype and don’t fuck with God.

Like the time two Mormon girls came to my door whilst I was home from work sick one day. One was a gorgeous young blonde American girl; the other was good from afar but unfortunately far from good. Never the less, I invited them to both come back the next day when I knew I would have ample time to clean myself up and bone them both. Imagine my surprise when I found that several strapping young Polynesian boys had taken their place the following day! Luckily I had spotted them from the spare room and spent the entire 25 minutes they remained on my front step crouched silently in the spare room hoping they could not hear me soiling myself. The lesson I learned that day? Don’t fuck with God.

Nor should you pretend to be God or even make like you are in his circle of trust, like the Scientologists do. They claim to be a ‘religion’ by having ‘Church of’ in their official title. They even use the cross in some of their literature but hey, so did the Nazis. There are even expensive buildings scattered around the world with big signs that read ‘Churches of Scientology’, but you can bet there is no praying going on inside. They’re all too busy counting the money the make pretending to be religious, because in most countries, religious groups don’t have to pay tax!

Scientology is fast becoming the sort of pseudo secretive sect that makes it seem as though everyone else is on the secret, but you. It’s all starting to smell a bit too much like the bullshit the Free Masons built up around themselves with all that talk of secret codes, initiations and handshakes. Some folk will have you believe that the Free Masons are to be implicated in every major conspiracy theory going. I for one don’t believe any of it. I reckon the Masons were and are a bunch of middle aged men who get together once a week for a game of soggy biscuit. They might have a secret handshake but hey, if that’s what they get up to who wants to shake their hand anyways?

Carlos the Jackal is another prime example of why you shouldn’t believe the hype. During the seventies and early eighties when international terrorism was having its best period for ages and more planes around the world were getting hijacked than there were getting in the air, there emerged this persona of ‘Carlos the Jackal’. Carlos was back then what Bin laden is to the world today, only Carlos wore cooler suits and a retro style befitting of the worlds most wanted man. He also had an afro. Not a cool black mans afro, more a sleazy Cuban afro. During this time anything that got blown up was attributed to Carlos, much to the annoyance of the actual pricks who’d put in the time and effort to blow the thing up and then didn’t even get the props afterwards!

The filth never caught Carlos but investigative writer David Yallop did and found out that the guy was nothing more than a two bit terrorist wannabe who stuffed up his first assignment so badly he never got another by his superiors. And yet, the legend lived on and grew, just like it did with the Free Masons and like its starting to with the Scientologists. Why? Because of fear. No one wanted to actually tackle the cause of terrorism, not when it was easier to attribute it to a mad man with an afro who could not be stopped.

Scientology should have been stopped long ago. It was thought up by a guy who did hypnosis and wrote science fiction novels for a living. Before he wrote the good book of Scientology, the founder told some of his mates that he planned to start a religion that would make him a lot of money, which he has. You’d think at this early stage alarm bells would be ringing for prospective devotees, but apparently not. One of his sci-fi books was made into a movie by John Travolta who, funnily enough, is a paid up member of the Church of Scientology. I’ve been told the movie is shit but I can’t really comment as I haven’t seen it due to the fact that I suspected it would be shit.

Scientology as a business has made shit loads of cash and members of the Church get a commission if they recruit new members. Tom Cruise, the man midget with the Mohican's haircut is now officially the Church’s Number 2. Tom the Jackal. Why is it that cult religion’s are all headed by guys who either a) have the most money or b) have fiddled the most kids? In a move that is straight from the Joseph Goebbels book of Propaganda, the Scientologists are legally trying to get the likes of Google, Yahoo and other search engines to remove from their results any pages that contain negative comments on Scientology.

Hardly the work of a movement that would have you believe that it’s a religion and not a money making enterprise. Now I’m not against religion by any means - what ever gets you through the day y’know - but when they start sucking the hard earned cash out of people who are desperate to believe in a higher order of things and then try to make like thats not what they're doing, then they deserve to have there hype exposed for what it is; bullshit.

I only hope that when the Scientologists go all Waco on each other, no one misses shooting Tom.

Cops, Horses and Brazilians

Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break, every step you take I'll be watching you. That folks is Police talk and I should know; I work for them.

The Police (the band) are playing in town next week. Supporting them is Fergie. What the? Talk about chalk and cheese, which genius thought that little combo up I wonder? I could be wrong, but I can’t see ten year old girls hanging around to boogie down with middle aged men after Fergie’s finished her set. Might as well just call the night ‘Paedophilia’ if the promoter really believes that’s going to happen.

One of Fergie’s biggest songs is ‘London Bridge’, which supposedly is a sexual position involving two chicks and two fellas. I tried to picture it, several times infact and had trouble with some of the finer details, so much so that I had to Google it. Disappointingly there were no images, but I now know what a London Bridge, a Golden Gate Bridge and an Eiffel Tower is. And to think that I thought a spit roast was the best move in town…

Now here’s a question. If two girls can use a strap on dickie whilst getting busy, then why don’t you ever see two guys using strap on milkers? I’m sure someone could make a fortune selling big ol strap on teets for just such an occasion. Not the crap plastic joke shop ones mind you, but almost real boobs made of jam cause jelly don’t shake like that. Fellas who prefer to be with other fellas could then mix up their rimfest with a little titwank, not to mention the sales you would get to straight guys who would buy a pair just so they could wear them whilst sitting on the couch eating Twisties.

More disturbingly than that particular mental image however, is the news that ten year old girls are starting to ask for Brazilians. I read it somewhere the other day and although I thought it was a local story, as you always hope the kinky ones are, it turned out to be some far off country where men are allowed to marry livestock or something. Or maybe it was the States? This kind of shit always happens in the States. Either way, its just plain wrong.

I am more than happy to admit that it has been twenty years since my last exposure to a naked ten year old girl - my sister – who accidentally tripped whilst streaking from her room to the shower and ended up in a heap right outside my bedroom door. There’s nothing quite as funny as seeing some one arse it whilst in the buff, even if it is your sister. But I don’t recall there being anything to see in the minge stakes let alone anything to remove.

Nudity was always prevalent in our house on account of the fact that my mother liked to move about completely starkers at every opportunity. It was prevalent but so not welcome, let me assure you of that. To this day I still have nightmares about it. How I wasn’t converted into becoming a full time bummer is beyond me because it was not a pleasant experience. I don’t want to go into fine detail because its my mother we’re talking about, but I will say this and only this: retro minger.

Now unless they’ve started pumping copious amounts of oestrogen into the water I don’t reckon the physiology of ten year olds have changed much so why the hell is it happening? What kind of parent lets their child ask for or even have a Brazilian for fucks sake? It comes down to that old argument kids have rolled out for millions of years ‘but everybody’s doing it’, which is a bullshit, because it is never actually the case but it works thanks to the naivety of some parents to a) believe it and b) submit to it.

I’ve covered this before but I’ll do so again. It is the role and duty of any parent to protect their children from the clutches of a society that wants to sexualise them well before their time. Parents should not be frightened of making unpopular decisions in the eyes of their children. When it comes to the welfare of their children, parents should always be ready to be Mr & Mrs Killjoy because that’s the difference between letting your ten year old daughter leave the house in a skirt so short you can see her My Little Pony undies every time she bends her knee’s, or having her dress like a normal child should. Brazilians at ten years of age, needless to say, are not even on the responsible parent’s chart of the contemplation.

I really don’t envy my mates who have young daughters. Girls, more than boys, are overtly hit with carefully orchestrated campaigns of sexualisation, because it’s a in a girls genetic makeup to be receptive to them. Every girl wants to be pretty, popular, noticed and loved. Boys do too of course, but society gives them a far easier ride in achieving those things. My mates are good men and good Dads though and I’m sure they’ll do the right thing by their girls.

My Little Pony is still in right? It’s just that my undies with them on still fit, so sometimes I’m unsure if I’m keeping up with the times...

Horses are magnificent beasts though aren’t they? There’s nothing more breathtaking that seeing some huge stallion get freaky naughty with some mare in a field, especially when you’re ripping by at a 100km. That’s almost crash your car inspiring. I can’t recall ever blurting out ‘fuck me’ in surprise when watching dogs go for it, but horses? Now they’re something else.

"But, but, but yer bleeck?!"

My god, Africa appears to be a country that is content to two girl one cup all over itself doesn’t it? Admittedly, I base this assumption solely from the footage I see on the news each night, which, as I would be the first to tell you, is no way to form an opinion, but in this particular instance I don’t think I’m far from the truth.

I’m sure it has its beauty and its good bits and friends who have been there assure me it does, but most of it seems to be in utter chaos right now and has been for some time. If only there was oil in them thar hills and we could all relax as George Dubya rode on in to rescue the poor bastards from themselves. Perhaps some shit stirrer of a country could sell Kenya or Zimbabwae some nuclear weapons and start the ball rolling? You can bet if they did the Yanks would be in like white on rice.

Still, nothing like a bit of genocide to keep the worlds ever increasing population down aye? Corruption plays a big part we’re told. No doubt. Can’t be any worse than the day my good mate Sully and I ran a football World Cup sweepstake at work and fiddled it like a five year old.

Things were going great until we had dished out the winnings - of which we were both recipients - and this one bird asked us to double check the results because she felt she too deserved a cut of the winnings. Turns out she did. We had genuinely overlooked her entry when tallying the results first time round. So being the stand up guys we were, we did the only thing any organiser in our place would do and threw away her entry, claiming no knowledge of having ever received it. Needless to say it all went down like a peanut laden stool and we were never again to run a sweepstake at work. Not one that she was part of anyway.

Racism is an emotive word isn’t it? It’s right up there with ‘abortion’ and ‘religion’ on the list of great party starters. But have you ever noticed how racism doesn’t seem to be such a defined form of bigotry anymore? In general society, with the diversity of the population today, racism has almost gone mainstream. Shows like BroTown have made it okay for Coconuts to poke fun at dumb Maoris, who in turn poke fun at crazy Asians who in turn dump on cheeky Honkys. It might be funny on TV – which it isn’t because BroTown is actually quite stink – but is it still funny when 10 year olds are doing it in the playground because they saw it on the telly? Probably.

The Australian cricket team got their panties in a twist this week because one of the turbaned Indian players allegedly called their token Abo ‘a monkey’, which is hardly groundbreaking stuff when comparing racist taunts I would have thought. Actually it is borderline lame when compared to something like, oh I dunno, ‘you curry munching fuckwit’ for example.

It’s a bit rich of the Aussies too, the biggest potty mouths in world cricket to start playing the ‘our shit don’t stink’ card because they got a bit of their own back. How they understood what the guy was saying is beyond me anyway, even if he was speaking English. I have trouble making out what the guy down at my local dairy says when he’s asking for my money and that’s even after I’ve read the price tag! Those crafty Indians got their own back though after throwing a tanty and having the West Indian umpire kicked out of the next game. Probably because he was black.

What gets on my moobs though, aside from some prick at working leaving crusty tomato coloured jizz all over the shared toastie maker, is what I like to call reverse racism.

Actually I suspect it's the same bastard who left the sweaty bum crack poo stain on the toilet seat, that I couldn’t help but notice as I made my way to the men’s after deciding against toasted sammies for lunch. It’s all class at my work I tell you. But then I shouldn’t really be surprised by such things, at least not since the day I noticed the regular appearance of an unfeasibly large number of manpubes in the hand basins every morning. I swear someone is washing their chopper in the sinks. Reminds me of a place I used to work where the Indian / Pakistani / Sri Lankian guys would wash their hands before taking a whizz, but not after. Nice one fellas. Why don’t I just hold it for you whilst you pee – that way you don’t have to waste time rinsing and I don’t have to worry about door handles?

Reverse racism is when one side plays the racism card when it affects them but gets away with pulling the same shit when it doesn’t. Some Maori are great at this. Like the Iwi in Greymouth who decided to hack down the town’s war memorials at the very sociable time of 6am in the morning and dump them out the back of some farm in the wops. They had good reason mind you; they wanted to make room for a shop.

The town is understandably pissed and so should everyone, regardless of colour, who had family members serve and die in any armed conflict overseas. You can bet if I chopped down a tribal anything on my property I would have a Hikoi of large, spectacularly tattooed individuals on my doorstep quicker that you could say “you cheeky bloody pakeha”.

And yet it doesn’t work the other way? Must be because I’m black.

Retailers Are Stealing Christmas

Now that another Christmas has come and gone do you ever sit back and wonder “why the fuck do we bother?”. People seem to get more enthused about growing a pornstache or a retro minge for a month than they do about Christmas these days.

Geez even Santa gets it in the neck, what with the politically correct telling him he can’t call nobody a ho, or the skinny brigade telling him he’s overweight. I suspect the very same people also write into the TV Guide each week complaining about the actions of the characters in Shortland Street. Get a life folks, for fucks sake. These are all are fictional characters, that makes them automatically exempt from your neurosis. Why not focus your attention and efforts on your stoner kids, or your husband who spends hours online pretending he’s single?!

Personally, I blame the retailers. And the Dutch but I have no actual proof yet that they're behind it. Retailers desperate for your hard earned cash who are putting up the Christmas bling earlier and earlier in the hope that you’ll spend your lolly in their shop in November and not in the chemist getting your missus some cream for the pash rash your hoMovember efforts left her with. Some were even starting their Boxing Day sales before Boxing Day this year because they were literally gagging for your money. And people were buying into it for fucks sake!

Doesn't it seem to be sale season all the time these days? This is the retailers taking you and I up the pooper finger by finger until before you know, it they’re up to their elbows in our asses. To me, a sale should mean ‘cheaper than anywhere else’. It should mean that “it’s a deal; it’s a steal, its sale of the century. Fuck it, it’s so good we just might keep it.” What a sale shouldn’t mean is that four branded stores, all owned by the same company anyways, sell the same product – say an Xbox – at a reduced price every other week. That’s not a sale, that’s just bullshit.

Ever tried comparing mailers for the same sort of store over a three or four week period? Probably not because who would be sad enough to do that aye? But if you did, you might just be surprised to see just how often one great deal or sale is repeated by a similar store the following week. We used to do it in Hallensteins back in the day, we’d drop the price of our Levis by $10 one week and then the gay Samoan boys over at Hugh Wrights would do the same to theirs the next week. Different companies mind you, but both with the same goal; to bum the unsuspecting consumer.

Incidentally my hope that the summer sun would herald the return of the young blonde minx in hot pants that used to deliver my junk mail has not come to fruition. Which leads me to believe that either a) It was the Hanson look-alike boy all along or b) she got scared off by me appearing at the lounge window every time she made her way up and down the street. Me being naked on every occasion probably didn’t help either.

What these ever present sales do make clear to me though, is just how overpriced the shit that we buy is. Just because a store is having a sale it doesn’t mean they’re not making a profit. If Rebel Sport can sell the same Adidas top at half price in their sale and still make a profit then why do we buy it the original price? Let’s not forget that those Nazis at Adidas have marked up the garment before selling it to Rebel too.

Maybe my Christmas angst comes from my childhood. My Christmas as a kid were fucked up. All I ever wanted were G.I.Joes. My letters to Santa were the shortest in history because I only ever wanted one thing. When I sat on his knee in malls I only ever asked for one thing. I didn’t actually ever want to sit on his knee, as he always seemed to have a roll of winegums in his pocket or something, but I did it whilst my mother watched because I wanted to make it absolutely clear to her that I only wanted one thing.

Needless to say I got everything but G.I.Joes. This was how my mother worked. It was some fucked up Mum joke that we unsuspecting kids never got. She would buy me and my sister a lot of stuff and to be fair, we always got a lot of stuff, but it was never what we asked for and it pissed us off! So that inevitably put us in the unenviable position of being ungrateful – which we were – for the shit we didn’t want. Mum would then take immense pleasure in telling anyone who would listen just how ungrateful her two kids were. Reverse, rhetorical, you’re-fucked-either-way psychology at its best. That's how my Mum rolled.

So lets not forget next year that Christmas is for the kids and not the retailers. I say buy only what your kids really want and left the rest. It’s a sad fact of life that our kids grow up way to fast into a world that exploits them way too soon anyway, so lets not fuck up Christmas.

P.S. Up yours Mum. I’m still bitter about it.