Now that another Christmas has come and gone do you ever sit back and wonder “why the fuck do we bother?”. People seem to get more enthused about growing a pornstache or a retro minge for a month than they do about Christmas these days.
Geez even Santa gets it in the neck, what with the politically correct telling him he can’t call nobody a ho, or the skinny brigade telling him he’s overweight. I suspect the very same people also write into the TV Guide each week complaining about the actions of the characters in Shortland Street. Get a life folks, for fucks sake. These are all are fictional characters, that makes them automatically exempt from your neurosis. Why not focus your attention and efforts on your stoner kids, or your husband who spends hours online pretending he’s single?!
Personally, I blame the retailers. And the Dutch but I have no actual proof yet that they're behind it. Retailers desperate for your hard earned cash who are putting up the Christmas bling earlier and earlier in the hope that you’ll spend your lolly in their shop in November and not in the chemist getting your missus some cream for the pash rash your hoMovember efforts left her with. Some were even starting their Boxing Day sales before Boxing Day this year because they were literally gagging for your money. And people were buying into it for fucks sake!
Doesn't it seem to be sale season all the time these days? This is the retailers taking you and I up the pooper finger by finger until before you know, it they’re up to their elbows in our asses. To me, a sale should mean ‘cheaper than anywhere else’. It should mean that “it’s a deal; it’s a steal, its sale of the century. Fuck it, it’s so good we just might keep it.” What a sale shouldn’t mean is that four branded stores, all owned by the same company anyways, sell the same product – say an Xbox – at a reduced price every other week. That’s not a sale, that’s just bullshit.
Ever tried comparing mailers for the same sort of store over a three or four week period? Probably not because who would be sad enough to do that aye? But if you did, you might just be surprised to see just how often one great deal or sale is repeated by a similar store the following week. We used to do it in Hallensteins back in the day, we’d drop the price of our Levis by $10 one week and then the gay Samoan boys over at Hugh Wrights would do the same to theirs the next week. Different companies mind you, but both with the same goal; to bum the unsuspecting consumer.
Incidentally my hope that the summer sun would herald the return of the young blonde minx in hot pants that used to deliver my junk mail has not come to fruition. Which leads me to believe that either a) It was the Hanson look-alike boy all along or b) she got scared off by me appearing at the lounge window every time she made her way up and down the street. Me being naked on every occasion probably didn’t help either.
What these ever present sales do make clear to me though, is just how overpriced the shit that we buy is. Just because a store is having a sale it doesn’t mean they’re not making a profit. If Rebel Sport can sell the same Adidas top at half price in their sale and still make a profit then why do we buy it the original price? Let’s not forget that those Nazis at Adidas have marked up the garment before selling it to Rebel too.
Maybe my Christmas angst comes from my childhood. My Christmas as a kid were fucked up. All I ever wanted were G.I.Joes. My letters to Santa were the shortest in history because I only ever wanted one thing. When I sat on his knee in malls I only ever asked for one thing. I didn’t actually ever want to sit on his knee, as he always seemed to have a roll of winegums in his pocket or something, but I did it whilst my mother watched because I wanted to make it absolutely clear to her that I only wanted one thing.
Needless to say I got everything but G.I.Joes. This was how my mother worked. It was some fucked up Mum joke that we unsuspecting kids never got. She would buy me and my sister a lot of stuff and to be fair, we always got a lot of stuff, but it was never what we asked for and it pissed us off! So that inevitably put us in the unenviable position of being ungrateful – which we were – for the shit we didn’t want. Mum would then take immense pleasure in telling anyone who would listen just how ungrateful her two kids were. Reverse, rhetorical, you’re-fucked-either-way psychology at its best. That's how my Mum rolled.
So lets not forget next year that Christmas is for the kids and not the retailers. I say buy only what your kids really want and left the rest. It’s a sad fact of life that our kids grow up way to fast into a world that exploits them way too soon anyway, so lets not fuck up Christmas.
P.S. Up yours Mum. I’m still bitter about it.
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