Music Reviewers Are Crap

I loathe self appointed authorities on everything. Its people like them who think that they know it all that stuff it up for those of us that actually do.

Take music and movie reviewers. It must be a miserable existence having a job that has you finding fault in the things that are there for you to enjoy in the first place. I say ‘job’ but it really is a misleading term because how fucken hard is it to listen to music or watch movies all day? Even if they are shite, it would still beat the Groundhog Day drudgery of office life I reckon. You can’t open a bag of Twisties and start treating your body like an amusement park ride at your office desk that’s for sure.

Isn’t it interesting what people will say in a job interview because they think its going to get them the job? My personal fave is when they start dissing the current or previous boss and colleagues in the mistaken believe that it will somehow make them come across in the interview as the only person who did any work at their previous job. What it actually makes them look like is a moaning, back stabbing prick that will be doing the same thing to me should I be silly enough to hire them. They might as well walk into the interview with a tee shirt on that says “I’m A Cunt”.

Maybe they all end up getting jobs as music reviewers?

I happened to read a music reviewers online blog the other day. This blogger, who we shall call Simon, because his real name is actually Simon, is a fat man who blames you for making him fat. He’s the kind of guy that stopped getting invited to party’s years ago because he likes to tell the host that their choice of music was crap. He’s the type of guy that when he throws a party, very few attend because he likes to tell his guests that their choice of music is crap. He’s the kind of guy who reviews a music concert that he didn’t have to pay to see and says it was crap. The 10 000 other concert goers who actually paid for their tickets would disagree, but hey, what the fuck do they know? They’re all crap.

Simon and I actually have a wee bit of history. He was the first columnist I had ever read that got on my tits so much that I actually wrote to the newspaper to tell him just how much of a penarse I thought he was. He had written a review for a concert that I had been at that was so completely off track I actually questioned if he'd been in the same room as I, but then the review had started with something like "I hate this band" and pretty much went down hill from there anyway. Maybe its just me but I tend to think reviews should be about the event, not another chance for some fat fuck to tell you how miserable he is being at someplace he never wanted to be anyway.

Simon has that hoity toity air about him that all critics have about them because they think they’re better than you and I. They hate anything ‘popular’ because that translates in loser speak to ‘crap’. The irony of this of course is that despite gagging for the attention and adoration of the masses, the critic is caught between wanting to be talked about by everyone, but not so much that it makes him / her ‘popular’. Because then they’d be crap.

All music reviewers incidentally have the same list of favourite obscure bands, whose CDs they practically have to give away at the Warehouse because no one else buys them. Everything else musically, in the mind of the music critic, is crap. Bands that sell trillions of records and who bring delight to the trillions of people who bought them, are crap. Why? Because a fat man who can’t figure out why his stumpy pecker is a constant shade of Twistie orange and who has a black belt in being an arsehole said so.

I used to come across this kind of nothing argument almost every day when I worked in a music store. People trading off bands like they were sports teams. Who gives a shit, really? If you like a band and they rock your world then enjoy it man. Don't let some geezer who's sphincter sealed itself up years ago because all the shit was coming out of his mouth tell you otherwise.

Simon's latest blog is a list of bands he thinks are ‘over rated’ and who are therefore in his mind – wait for it – crap. Now I may be new to the blogging biz but I know enough to know that when you start making a list of anything, then you’ve clearly run out of ideas.

Simon? Merry Christmas mate. P.S Your blog is crap.