Now, I love my wife, but if she were to up and tell me one day that we would be spending some family time standing around the local roundabout waving placards with her name on it just so she could get elected to parliament like the local National candidate did this past weekend, then I suspect Mr Jug Cord would have to pay a visit.
There are just some places you don’t expect to see advertising hoardings and a manic roundabout is just one of those places. How many votes is she going to get by distracting people there anyway? She might get the odd pity vote given that she has wheeled out everyone in the immediate family even dear old Dad who had to prop himself against the ‘Remember to Indicate’ sign, but I think, on the whole, no one is going to give a flying fuck.
KFC have learnt that lesson. Their six foot ‘Now Hiring’ window erection has failed to attract the ‘eligible for the minimum wage’ audience it targeted. Granted it’s big and bright enough for the text generation to see it, but they’re too busy texting whilst navigating the roundabout to see it.
My neighbour’s son is just such a genius. He starts his rotary turbo up several hours before he plans to depart and leaves it rumbling in the garage whilst he nips back in to have a quick jimmy over how sweet it sounds. I had a mate who used to do the same thing with his motorbike. He reckoned the manufacturers recommended it. Fuck me it does.
Now it’s not like we're talking about Granddad’s old black and white telly that actually needed half an hour for the cathode ray tube to warm up before you actually saw anything; no a motorbike or car for that matter is a highly engineered piece of kit – it’s made to go as soon as you turn the fricken key. Quite frankly if the guy who was selling me a motorbike told me it needed half an hour warm up time then alarm bells would be ringing my friend.
Did you see the doco on Mechaphilia the other night? Fantastic stuff. Mechaphilia is the sexual attraction to machines. There are only 12 known sufferers in the world, or at least bold enough to admit publicly that they like sticking their willy up the exhaust pipe of their motor. Not that there seems to be much suffering going on either, it looked like they were quite enjoying it given the blurred out images that these guys post on the world wide intraweb every day.
The programme focused mainly on one guy in The States (where else aye?) who likes to jizz all over his 1970s VW Beetle, or any car for that matter. His claim to fame was that he had given the original Blue Thunder helicopter a quick shafting the day he was left alone with it on a sightseeing trip. Unfortunately the Blue Thunder chopper no longer exists as it crashed in the early nineties, quite possibly because the avionics were filled with mans milk, who knows? Needless to say it was only a matter of hours before the British film crew had footage of him whacking one out over their four wheel drive.
Perhaps as a wind up they took this guy to a huge car show to gauge his reaction, needless to say he cracked one the whole time and proceeded to perform some pretty heavy frottage on anything with four wheels. How his old corduroys contained his excitement I’ll never know but it was certainly there on show for all to see.
I suspect my neighbour is a closet Mechaphiliac. In fact most boy racers would have to be wouldn’t they? Deep down I can imagine they’d all like to jam the ‘ol chopper between the seats and lube their ride. Both my neighbours – mother and son – like to toot as they leave, every farken time and they come and go and they come and go a lot. Perhaps it’s a signal that they have infact left. Perhaps they don’t actually talk to each other and thus communication is by car horn only. Perhaps it’s a sign that the streaming porn can start and / or the Mechaphilia postings can begin?
Perhaps they’re just annoying bastards.
No comments:
Post a Comment