The game is as simple as time itself, or as the NZ web site of Speed Stacking describes it:
“Sport Stacking is an exciting individual and team sport where participants stack and unstack 12 specially designed plastic cups in pre-determined sequence.”
And it certainly looks exciting. The kids playing it were all cracking a fat over just how fast they could stack and unstuck the specially designed plastic cups, which must have adamantium or something in them because they cost $36 for a pack of 12! Fuck me; I was on board right up till that little gem nearly slipped under the radar and here I was thinking that maybe it was a nice cheap hobby for the youth of today.
And I was all set to buy my boy a set too until I dug a little deeper and realised that this little enterprise could be the biggest cash cow since some cheeky prick decided to bottle water and sell it. $36 gets you 12 plastic cups. With flames on them. Or camouflage (pink for the girls) and each cup carries the official WSSA approval mark, which is important because only Speed Stacks – the $36 dollar cups laced with Kryptonite and with flames on them - are the only cups permitted for use in WSSA sanctioned events.
Who knew there were WSSA sanctioned events aye? Who knew there was even a WSSA? Who even knows what the hell it stands for? No bugger, but for $36 you might just get to find out. The site makes a big deal about just how great the sport is for kids and offers great deals for schools who want to get on board, Destiny Church stylez.
First you ring up and order a free set of cups, just to get the juices flowing and then you really start paying through the starfish:
2. Order a StackMat & Timer for $50.
3. Order a Sport Pack (or equivalent products) to cater for your school or organisation (using an Instructors' Order Form). Anywhere between $500 - $900 per pack.
4. Encourage students to purchase their own equipment (using a Student Flyer, collated on a Standard Group Order Tally Sheet) and earn FREE Speed Stacks equipment for your school. Sets start at $36, remember? Throw in $25 for the manual (how hard can it be?) and the ‘How To’ DVD at $15 and it’s go time.
5. Consider the purchase of a Tournament Display. This is essential if you wish to run your own competitions or demonstrate at a large meeting. $220 for that bad boy.
But hey, what price ambidexterity aye? You're probably already pretty good at it. Do you play a musical instrument? Type on a computer? Play video games? Masturbate regularly? If you do, you're probably using both hands. The most important thing to do when sport stacking is to use BOTH hands. That doesn't mean picking up a cup with one hand and passing it to the other like when you’ve been playing with yourself all day and your wrist hurts, no. Each cup should be handled by only one hand. When you use both hands, you're using both sides of your brain and promoting right brain development which houses things like awareness, focus, creativity and rhythm.
And gullibility, although I couldn’t find mention of that on their site any where. The hard core can even become ambassadors in their area but only after they’ve submitted a questionnaire which asks them to detail ‘their vision for stacking in their area’ and has only three available answers to every question; ‘Yes’, ‘No’ and ‘No but would like to!’. Seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up.
Speed Stacking is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. It’s a pastime that promotes coordination, determination and activity in our kids that doesn’t involve a screen, a keyboard or a joystick of some sort. But it’s no coincidence that if you stack three of the specially designed plastic cups on top of each other you get a pyramid, which is what this little enterprise is, a pyramid scheme to make shit loads of money for the dude at the top.
I’ll buy my son some cups alright, but they’ll be from the $2 shop and they won’t have flames on them, or pink camo, or the official WANKA seal, but they’ll do the same job and he'll have just as much fun.
And I’ll still be the smartest guy in the room.
The specially designed plastic cup, with lithuim and kevlar coating. And flames painted on.
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