You Can't Buy Redemption Tony

Sneaky 'ol Wifebeater Vietch, he nearly pulled it off didn't he?

He nearly had us all forgiving him and dare I say it, feeling for the guy after his early guilty plea in court this week thus saving everybody a drawn out, expensive court case. He gave an emotional speech outside court where he told how dreadful he's felt ever since that day and that same evening Harae Mai John Campbell just about had him in tears in an exclusive interview. It was so emotional that I for one stopped bashing my wife to watch.

Yes, it was a big day alright and it seemed like that Smack My Bitch Up Veitchy was well on the path to redemption. Why even in the Campbell Live interview - where he showed that he’s just as annoying as an interview as he is when the interviewer - he was even promising legal action over the many factions of the media who cracked a huge fat when the story first broke and got so excited at the prospect of tearing apart one of their own just plain made shit up.

Now on this one tiny aspect I'm in favour of Tony the Muss. I don't condone what he did and personally I think someone should have the opportunity of kicking him in his midget back just as hard, or harder, than he did his ex missus. But if there’s one thing I hate its people that profligate mis-information under the guise of 'news'. And this case was full of it. The NZ Herald for example, the newspaper that some folk (most of who live in Auckland where the Herald is the delivered it should be remembered) rate as the best in the country, churned out a ton of crap that was factually incorrect. Now that might not make them the best paper in the land but unfortunately they are the biggest and that means a lot of impressionable people took what they printed as gospel.

Radio Live, the radio station that is quite possibly only listened to by the deaf and could easily be renamed 'Wankers Live' and no one would bat an eyelid, allowed some of its hosts to embellish the facts of the case and thus make their ranting and empty promises of 'ruining Veitch' sound all the more reasonable. I don't actually know anyone who listens to Wankers Live but there have to be a few and unfortunately that means more counter knowledge has found its way into tea rooms and lounges up and down the country.

So, now somewhat in the clear, Veitchy is promising to take to the cleaners the very media he not so long ago he was gagging to be a part of again. That seems genuine doesn't it? Yep, how could we not now side with Veitch?

Because a few things haven't gone quite so accordingly to plan for the White Ribbon poster boy. First the news broke that some of the character references put before the court, written by some very famous people, were not gathered under the pretence of keeping Veitch out of jail at all. Rather they were written under the understanding that they were to be used to help Veitch get his passport back. Veitch's father it seems, who obtained the references, seems to share his sons talent for being a smooth talking bullshit artist.

A couple of other things didn't sit well with me either. His speech outside of the court room was read like it was the Saturday night sports news that Veitch used to read. Before he smacked his bitch up. Infact everything he reads or makes a statement over sounds as genuine as Adolf Eichmann’s 'Final Solution'. Let's not forget this is geezer who is trained to write creatively and more disturbingly, emotively. How can we believe anything that comes out of his mouth?

And I’m not the only one who doesn’t seem to be buying the drama. Many commentators are so underwhelmed by his apparent lack of remorse that in a last ditch attempt at being noticed, Veitch tried to top himself again this weekend. His third failed attempt at taking his live since this all started. You’d think he’d get it right by now huh? How hard is it to kill one’s self? That is if you genuinely want to kill yourself and aren’t just looking to get attention…

Let’s not feel sorry for Veitch. He’s a man who has courted the limelight when it suited him. He has huge money behind him (his in-laws are millionaires) and he has an expensive legal and PR team that have gone to great lengths to intimidate and dig the dirt on his ex partner. And yet we're supposed to buy the line he rolls out regularly that he’s lost everything?!

Veitch is finding out the hard way that money and fame can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you redemption. That you have to earn.

Shaven Sideburns: The Ultimate Contraceptive

Have you ever noticed how some guys shave the bit where their sideburns should be? Not give it a trim mind you, but cut it nice and high, far too high to be sane really. And have you also ever noticed that the kind of guy who has just such a cut, doesn't half look like he would be right at home standing outside your bathroom window watching whilst you shower?

A whole bunch of dudes like that work at the hospital, deep in the bellows where they can't frighten the already weak of heart patients, unless you have the misfortune of waking in the middle of the night in time to see the ones who like to stand outside of your bedroom window watching you sleep. Not that I ever did, but just because I didn't see him it doesn't mean he wasn't there!

Kind of like if a fat girl falls in the woods is it still funny? Ponder that.

Anyhoo, I have from time to time bumped into the shaven sideburn squad. They're the guys who get to push heavy trolleys full of shit (sometimes literally) through the warren of tunnels that link the many hospital buildings. They are, quite frankly, the oil in the machine. If they weren't their skulking their way about day after day, freaking out the young nurses who use the tunnels as shortcuts to get about, the place would fall to pieces. But knowing that doesn't make it any less scary when bumping into one, especially at night.

I had to ask one for help a few weeks back whilst trying to locate the pharmacy. I had foolishly thought it would be clearly sign posted and had thus assured my doctor that I could find it, no problems. It wasn't and I couldn't, hence my flagging down Lurch for assistance. He was happy for the interruption - his type always are - and dutifully informed me that a) the door was unmarked and secure and b) that I had just walked past it. I wasn't too happy that he then advised me to walk in front of his flatbed truck of a trolley till we got there but I figured hey, if he runs me down in an instantaneous, uncontrollable savant rage I was in the right place for it.

He wasn't wrong, on both counts. The place was locked down like a nuclear missile silo. I had to get through two intercom controlled doors but my god was it worth it, because inside, at least from what I could see from the little service window, the place was full of beautiful young women packing pills like some clandestine drug lab. Which of course it was! The reason for all the security suddenly became abundantly clear; I thought it might've been to keep any semi-determined P cook from ever finding the place in a drug fuelled raid, but no, it was to protect the gorgeous girls from Lurch and his homeboys.

In all seriousness though, it was one of those little moments in your life that you know you will never be able to explain in sufficient detail to anybody, ever. Why right now I have a chubby at the very thought of it but I bet you haven't.

Not all guys choose to have the 'burns chopped so unceremoniously half way up the head. It's one of those sick jokes that barber plays on their unsuspecting captive customers. If you have the pleasure of visiting a real barber and remember, real men do, then you really should avoiding saying "no" to the innocent sounding question "Are we keeping the sideburns sir?".

But at least you'll be asked. When you're ten and struggling to attract the opposite sex as it is the last thing you need is the setback of having white skin showing from the bowl cut down, something that doesn't cross the mind of the bastard with the clippers. If being taken to the barbers at 6am and having to spend the rest of the school day smelling of old man and the sanitiser the barbers cleaned their kit in wasn't bad enough!

They don't cut hair like that any more though and boys are reaping the rewards. Maybe that’s why 5000+ teenagers gave birth last year but god knows how. I was trawling through some Facebook photos of friends younger and far more attractive than myself - the only point of FB really - and I was absolutely blown away by the self presentation of the young 'gentlemen' on show. These guys haven't made the slightest bit of effort in getting ready for whatever piss up they're at and I can see why, the coherent state of the girls deteriorates well before I hit the second page of photos and that folks is why we have so many teen pregnancies in New Zealand.

That would never happen if you shave your son’s sideburns. Or your daughters for that matter. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Hello, is your daughter home?

Are You Over It Yet?

Are you a little bit over the whole 'Sonny Fai / Warriors' thing yet?

Yes, it was a tragedy that a young man with a huge future lost his life well before his time, but that was three months ago. I think it's time for the Warriors to move on and pay some serious homage to the name they're wearing on their jerseys all season long by hardening up and funnelling into their on field efforts some of the energy they expel in all these emotional tributes they have before each game.

If they plan to make every home game a Sonny Fai memorial and then go on to loose, the fans are going to start wondering if honouring his memory is more of a distraction, than it is a motivation.

I'm not saying they shouldn't honour the memory of the guy, but it might be time for private tributes to start being made before each game and not musical sideshows.

Something I suspect the man himself would have been more likely to be making were he in the same situation.