Have you ever noticed how some guys shave the bit where their sideburns should be? Not give it a trim mind you, but cut it nice and high, far too high to be sane really. And have you also ever noticed that the kind of guy who has just such a cut, doesn't half look like he would be right at home standing outside your bathroom window watching whilst you shower?
A whole bunch of dudes like that work at the hospital, deep in the bellows where they can't frighten the already weak of heart patients, unless you have the misfortune of waking in the middle of the night in time to see the ones who like to stand outside of your bedroom window watching you sleep. Not that I ever did, but just because I didn't see him it doesn't mean he wasn't there!
Kind of like if a fat girl falls in the woods is it still funny? Ponder that.
Anyhoo, I have from time to time bumped into the shaven sideburn squad. They're the guys who get to push heavy trolleys full of shit (sometimes literally) through the warren of tunnels that link the many hospital buildings. They are, quite frankly, the oil in the machine. If they weren't their skulking their way about day after day, freaking out the young nurses who use the tunnels as shortcuts to get about, the place would fall to pieces. But knowing that doesn't make it any less scary when bumping into one, especially at night.
I had to ask one for help a few weeks back whilst trying to locate the pharmacy. I had foolishly thought it would be clearly sign posted and had thus assured my doctor that I could find it, no problems. It wasn't and I couldn't, hence my flagging down Lurch for assistance. He was happy for the interruption - his type always are - and dutifully informed me that a) the door was unmarked and secure and b) that I had just walked past it. I wasn't too happy that he then advised me to walk in front of his flatbed truck of a trolley till we got there but I figured hey, if he runs me down in an instantaneous, uncontrollable savant rage I was in the right place for it.
He wasn't wrong, on both counts. The place was locked down like a nuclear missile silo. I had to get through two intercom controlled doors but my god was it worth it, because inside, at least from what I could see from the little service window, the place was full of beautiful young women packing pills like some clandestine drug lab. Which of course it was! The reason for all the security suddenly became abundantly clear; I thought it might've been to keep any semi-determined P cook from ever finding the place in a drug fuelled raid, but no, it was to protect the gorgeous girls from Lurch and his homeboys.
In all seriousness though, it was one of those little moments in your life that you know you will never be able to explain in sufficient detail to anybody, ever. Why right now I have a chubby at the very thought of it but I bet you haven't.
Not all guys choose to have the 'burns chopped so unceremoniously half way up the head. It's one of those sick jokes that barber plays on their unsuspecting captive customers. If you have the pleasure of visiting a real barber and remember, real men do, then you really should avoiding saying "no" to the innocent sounding question "Are we keeping the sideburns sir?".
But at least you'll be asked. When you're ten and struggling to attract the opposite sex as it is the last thing you need is the setback of having white skin showing from the bowl cut down, something that doesn't cross the mind of the bastard with the clippers. If being taken to the barbers at 6am and having to spend the rest of the school day smelling of old man and the sanitiser the barbers cleaned their kit in wasn't bad enough!
They don't cut hair like that any more though and boys are reaping the rewards. Maybe that’s why 5000+ teenagers gave birth last year but god knows how. I was trawling through some Facebook photos of friends younger and far more attractive than myself - the only point of FB really - and I was absolutely blown away by the self presentation of the young 'gentlemen' on show. These guys haven't made the slightest bit of effort in getting ready for whatever piss up they're at and I can see why, the coherent state of the girls deteriorates well before I hit the second page of photos and that folks is why we have so many teen pregnancies in New Zealand.
That would never happen if you shave your son’s sideburns. Or your daughters for that matter. Trust me, I speak from experience.
A whole bunch of dudes like that work at the hospital, deep in the bellows where they can't frighten the already weak of heart patients, unless you have the misfortune of waking in the middle of the night in time to see the ones who like to stand outside of your bedroom window watching you sleep. Not that I ever did, but just because I didn't see him it doesn't mean he wasn't there!
Kind of like if a fat girl falls in the woods is it still funny? Ponder that.
Anyhoo, I have from time to time bumped into the shaven sideburn squad. They're the guys who get to push heavy trolleys full of shit (sometimes literally) through the warren of tunnels that link the many hospital buildings. They are, quite frankly, the oil in the machine. If they weren't their skulking their way about day after day, freaking out the young nurses who use the tunnels as shortcuts to get about, the place would fall to pieces. But knowing that doesn't make it any less scary when bumping into one, especially at night.
I had to ask one for help a few weeks back whilst trying to locate the pharmacy. I had foolishly thought it would be clearly sign posted and had thus assured my doctor that I could find it, no problems. It wasn't and I couldn't, hence my flagging down Lurch for assistance. He was happy for the interruption - his type always are - and dutifully informed me that a) the door was unmarked and secure and b) that I had just walked past it. I wasn't too happy that he then advised me to walk in front of his flatbed truck of a trolley till we got there but I figured hey, if he runs me down in an instantaneous, uncontrollable savant rage I was in the right place for it.
He wasn't wrong, on both counts. The place was locked down like a nuclear missile silo. I had to get through two intercom controlled doors but my god was it worth it, because inside, at least from what I could see from the little service window, the place was full of beautiful young women packing pills like some clandestine drug lab. Which of course it was! The reason for all the security suddenly became abundantly clear; I thought it might've been to keep any semi-determined P cook from ever finding the place in a drug fuelled raid, but no, it was to protect the gorgeous girls from Lurch and his homeboys.
In all seriousness though, it was one of those little moments in your life that you know you will never be able to explain in sufficient detail to anybody, ever. Why right now I have a chubby at the very thought of it but I bet you haven't.
Not all guys choose to have the 'burns chopped so unceremoniously half way up the head. It's one of those sick jokes that barber plays on their unsuspecting captive customers. If you have the pleasure of visiting a real barber and remember, real men do, then you really should avoiding saying "no" to the innocent sounding question "Are we keeping the sideburns sir?".
But at least you'll be asked. When you're ten and struggling to attract the opposite sex as it is the last thing you need is the setback of having white skin showing from the bowl cut down, something that doesn't cross the mind of the bastard with the clippers. If being taken to the barbers at 6am and having to spend the rest of the school day smelling of old man and the sanitiser the barbers cleaned their kit in wasn't bad enough!
They don't cut hair like that any more though and boys are reaping the rewards. Maybe that’s why 5000+ teenagers gave birth last year but god knows how. I was trawling through some Facebook photos of friends younger and far more attractive than myself - the only point of FB really - and I was absolutely blown away by the self presentation of the young 'gentlemen' on show. These guys haven't made the slightest bit of effort in getting ready for whatever piss up they're at and I can see why, the coherent state of the girls deteriorates well before I hit the second page of photos and that folks is why we have so many teen pregnancies in New Zealand.
That would never happen if you shave your son’s sideburns. Or your daughters for that matter. Trust me, I speak from experience.
Hello, is your daughter home?
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