When cooped up for nine days straight one often turns to reading to pass the time. Well that or masturbating but we all know you can only do so much of that before the chaffing starts...
Luckily I have several magazines to peruse in between bouts of treating my body like an amusement park ride.
1. NZ Home & Garden – Provided by raging interior designer Maxi
This is one of those mags where women who look like a boiled horse pull on their best white pants and pose with their hen pecked husbands on beds and couches that are more pillow than furniture.
They like to hang their plates on the wall, have seven duvets where one would suffice and for whom sticking flowers in a vase on a jaunty angle is about as cutting edge as life gets.
They are always, always pictured with their husbands who look as though they are gagging to say “Enjoy this moment dear because once the photographer is gone I’m moving in with my 18 year old sugar daughter who really does give me something for all the money I waste on her…”
Masturbatory verdict: Absolutely none, unless you have a thing for middle aged women who look like tampons in their tightey whitey three quarter pant’s..
2. NZ Performance Car – Provided by thoughtful but ultimately misguided sister
One for the mecapheliacs. Lots of shiny, throbbing pistons and rotary engines adorn these pages, usually from cars owned by young people who must be mortgaged up to their eyeballs.
Strangely, most of the featured rides were bought, dismantled and rebuilt again at some cost just so they could make an RX7 look like, well, a RX7. What the fuck for?
There’s a lot of Asian envy in these pages and of course, the token tart in a bikini who you just know has no interest in cars that drift or the gearsticks that drive them.
My issue also has a big A3 poster of a shiny RX7 that I doubt will appear on any wall other than that of the guy that owns it.
Masturbatory verdict: Lame with a capital L, although, having read it I did have the desire to insert my penis into the exhaust of the passion wagon. Imagine that.
3. FHM – Snuck into the work basket by the lads. Have you fullas never heard of a stick mag? Geez.
For Handy Masturbating is a magazine I have always struggled to understand the point of even when I was looking for a handy wank back in the day.
It really is the junk shop of magazines and tries to squeeze a whole bunch of stuff that apparently appeals to men, like cars, movies, fashion and grooming but ultimately fails because the geezers buying it are not doing so for the articles.
Jessica Alba is in my one and yes, she is an attractive lady but she kills the mood a little by declaring that she would never appear nude on screen or in print.
And besides, she reminds me far too much of ClubDes alumni Amz for me to ever fancy her in a dirty way.
Masturbatory verdict: it was a sad wank.
4. Uncut – a good effort by the sis.
This is one of those English music mags which is for the most part a really good read. The rest is all about how one of the writers attended some obscure concert by some obscure band that has gone on to become the stuff of legend. Well, at least to the four people that saw it that day anyway.
My issue has Fifty Best Lost Movies, all of which were scandalous and in some cases salacious in their day, but are all bar a few, are completely nonexistent today. And the point of the article was thus...?
My copy also has a free CD of artists I have never ever heard of before and by the look of it, never ever will again.
Masturbatory verdict: Original Lady Man Lady, David Bowie, was strangely attractive during the 70’s.....
5. New Idea – included in the basket from work. Not funny guys, not funny.
Utter drivel aimed at the Good Morning watchers amongst us. A program which happens to be the ultimate in catering for those with attention deficit disorder...
Masturbatory verdict: I wouldn’t even beat the cleaner with this, let alone the meat.
6. Time, The Listener – bought by the missus in an excellent effort.
Once upon a time I collected these mags like I did my X-Men comics and I was pleasantly reminder why; cover to cover factual reporting that is so informative my brain just about burst for a bit.
Masturbatory verdict: Faster working than Viagra which, for those who don’t know, takes about half an hour and by then she’s probably managed to wriggle free anyway….
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