Smooth Rolling Wayne Checks Out

Saxi Maxi rolled out of ClubDes this week, not because we told him his spokey dokeys were annoying but because he's on to bigger and better things.

It's not the first time some of us have waved goodbye to the big fulla, there was that one time in '67 as we Recon boys left for Vietnam (it's this whole other country) and he had to stay on account of articulated wheelchair tracks hadn't been invented then.

Fighting Charlie in the bush and paddy fields may not have called for a technical genius confined to a wheelchair but my life upon my return from the war zone as a psychopathic vigilante and all round nice guy - The Punisher - did, so it worked out fine.

I’ll think the thing I'll miss most about Maxi is those rides you used to give me around the place.

Funny how that brake lever of yours, the one that poked me in the back when I sat on your lap, never seemed to work no matter how hard I tugged at it. We just never seemed to slow down! You should get that looked out before you impale yourself.

Anyhoo, so long big boy. All the best in the new job, see you on Facey but not on a doggy date because you know how it is; love my dog, not yours. A dogging date on the other hand….

And yes, I know the locket I gave you is a bit sticky upon unwrapping it, but then it is filled with mans milk. Mine, obviously.

No, we can't go back to 'Nam now you've got your tank chair Maxi...

Its A Dog Eat Dog World

I almost didn’t write this because I don’t want to be one of those people that whacks off about their pets, but we now have a dog.

Now I’m not really a dog person. For a long time the only thing remotely ‘dog’ that I was ever interested in was doggy style, but that pretty much dried up when I got married so it was inevitable I guess that we would eventually get a dog.

Okay so I’ve always like the look of some dogs but then I feel the same about Asian schoolgirls; it doesn’t necessarily mean I want to own one. Some dogs, I admit, are quite smart and quite cute but I have always felt that essentially, your average dog is a dumb animal as it relies on man to amuse it and thus lacks the individuality of a good cat.

We already have cats and the process of getting them went something a little like this: cat one was cute and cuddly for a bit, highly amusing then annoying and by default, boring, so we got another. Once she’d gone through that same evolution process it was time for a dog, or so the missus reckoned.

It probably should be noted that this was flawed logic from the start as both Mrs ClubDes and Junior are allergic to cats. Yet we have two.

At this point I played the Daddy card and said no. Contrary to the grandiose plans of her indoors, our house is not huge nor is our yard and as there was no way in hell I would allow us to get a small dog (the cats of the dog world), we sure as heck weren’t getting an animal that was 90% muscle sinew, 10% dog called Satan.

But then we met Charlie.

Who was actually called Freddie whilst at the SPCA but who calls a dog Freddie, seriously? He was neither mop nor Clydesdale in size, rather somewhere in between and although he was dead scared of me initially – an impression I try to cultivate in everyone I meet for the first time – he was rather handsome and the other two vote holders in the house adored him, so what else was I to do but cave.

So now we have a dog (and have had for a few months now). Someone at the SPCA must’ve seen us coming because he is for the most part, a nutter, so he fits in perfectly in our little corner of suburbia. Oh and sure we’ve had all the wonderful things they never tell you about before you get a dog; the whizzing on the bed, the cacking everywhere, the chewing of everything and the occasional social erection but who hasn’t done those things whilst out on the piss aye?

The twice a day walkies rule that I laid down as being a pre-requisite for getting him fell by the wayside after a couple of weeks, as did the ‘not on the furniture’ rule that Mrs ClubDes decreed. But then we all know rules are meant to be broken, that’s why the wife and I no longer use the safety word…

There is a downside to all this and that is now I am a dog owner I get a lot of dog talk from other owners and requests for doggy dates etc. These are people I remove from Facebook immediately because my feelings on dogs have only changed ever so slightly; I love ours but I have no intention of hanging out with yours.

Or your Asian schoolgirl for that matter.

Charlie, the exhibitionist.