What A Bunch Of Cork Soakers

Well Ken ‘Moon Man’ Ring got that one right didn’t he? What a cork soaker.

Sad isn’t it, that one aging hippy with a theory about the moon and tides has almost had as much press as the earthquake he reckons he predicted. Even sadder that the media in this country tried milking it for everything they could get, just in case. The cork soakers.

Good ol Ken - let’s call him Ringpiece for short - predicted that another major earthquake would happen in Christchurch on the 20th of March, just before lunch time. Ringpiece, it should be noted, claimed to have predicted the big one too. After it had happened.

Then he changed that prediction to be a couple of days either side of the 20th. Finally he decided it wasn’t going to be an earthquake at all, but rather a spot of bad weather. Naturally a lot of folk down that way, upon hearing this prediction, freaked. And who would blame them given that their life these days is one big aftershock occasionally interrupted by normality?

So why the change in prediction this time? Did the pressure of expectation get to him? Did the moon and tides suddenly change? Maybe the tsunami generated by Japans earthquake threw the charts of course. Whatever the excuse something must have happened because it’s quite the downgrade isn’t it, from a major shifting of the Earth’s tectonic plates to a spot of precipitation in the air?

It was foggy in Christchurch today actually. Cue the spooky music.

Maybe it’s because just like physics and tarot card readers he’s full of shit? Ringpiece reminds me a lot of a conspiracy theorist and I farken hate them. And just like a theorist it strikes me that someone like Ringpiece doesn’t actually need to prove anything.

Oh sure, science hasn’t yet proven any correlation between the cycle of the moon and the frequencies of earthquakes but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a connection. Likewise no one has actually proven that Tower 11 was an inside job on 9 / 11 but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t and nobody can really say for sure if MI5 killed Princess Diana because again, no one has proved they didn’t.

Only they have, for all three of the above scenarios, but guys like Ringpiece thrive on that little bit of doubt that exists when the full story can’t ever be laid out from start to finish like it is in the movies. They work on coincidence and happenstance and so long as there is fear of the unknown they get the publicity they long for in order to promote their myth conceptions.

And Ringpiece has had loads of publicity. My favorite was when he appeared on Harae Mae John Campbell’s show and got ripped to shreds by a host who was given the dirty nappy of all interviews by his producers and was clearly pissed about it. He got a lot of stick about it too did John but I for one thought he did a fine job tearing strips off a fear monger.

In Ringpiece’s case it’s a win win situation; predicting weather and shit is flaky at best and no one ever expects meteorologists and alike to get it right all of the time. So he predicts a lunar event that if it doesn’t come off means nothing, no sweat off anybody’s sack, but if he gets it right he becomes the authority on everything. Or in his own words:

"My business is only a bunch of opinions, as I have wearily repeated. There is no claim on accuracy; proof or anything other than that I have opinions."

"I don't claim to predict the weather. No-one can. We are not gods. Nobody has all the answers. In my books, it states on paragraph one on page one that what I say is opinion."

Nice bit of bullet dodging that, claiming his is an opinion. The book is $48 by the way and can be found on the shelf labeled ‘B for Bullshit’ at your nearest bookseller. Right next to Kelvin Quickwanks literary efforts.

Christchurch did have a sizeable aftershock last night, 5.1 to be exact. The believers will of course say The Moon Man got it right but that ignores the fact that before he changed his prediction three times, he reckoned it would be a magnitude 7+. In his own opinion, of course.

Perhaps he’ll claim next that tomorrow is going to be Tuesday too, in a remarkable piece of foresight he could have only extracted from his ring piece.

What a cork soaker.

Conspiracy Theory #1

I thought I’d lighten the ClubDes mood a little by talking about child abduction.

I want to share with you a theory I’ve got on a high profile case of the above, not that I mean to trivialise it in any way, shape or form. Please do not get me wrong here, I would be beyond devastated were the same to happen to me or any of my family or friends.

Now I know that I take the piss most of the time, about trivial things like sliced cheese and frightened Caucasians being chased down by terrifying natives, of which I can speak with some authority incidentally. I had the pleasure of growing up in a low socio-economic area where Polynesian, Maori and Pakeha lived in equal numbers. It was in all fairness a very nurturing environment in which to spend my formulative years and I wouldn’t now change a thing about that period of my life – but it did have its humorous side.

At college we Caucasians were either one with the Bro’s or you were a Bogan. Or a stoner. Probably both. But for those of us that grew up with the Bros the choice was a natural one and that meant playing rugby league every lunch time. The natural order of things was quite simple. The Palungi (the skinny white dudes) stayed on the wings and would occasionally get the last pass, long after the movement had finished or had gotten so far out of bounds no one but you and your fellow paleface on the opposite wing cared anymore.

For most of us, that was choice. We liked it that way. But there were two juniors who ignored the first rule of BroClub which was ‘don’t take the piss’. These guys ‘scored’ so many tries at lunch time that they decided to actually take up rugby league on Saturdays because they were sooo good. Their words, not mine. That meant they’d be lining up against the same guys who had so generously tossed them the ball before the final lunch bell rang. Now shit was serious.

Neither lasted the full first game. It is widely reported that the brownest things on the pitch that Saturday were the white shorts belonging to the two honkies that had broken the first rule of BroClub. Needless to say, they never played lunch time league again. Maybe they would have done better if they had of worn tight titty tops?

Anyways, back to the point of this particular blog. Everyone has heard the tragic story of Madeline McCann, the three year old girl who went missing from her hotel room whilst her parents were in the restaurant downstairs eating dinner. I won’t pass judgement on their parental skills at this part of the narrative for I am about to do that a few lines further down. This all happened in Portugal and has captivated Europe, not so much here in NZ because we have a she’ll be right attitude.

I’m a pessimistic type of fellow (you may have noticed) and I like to question, or rather, not believe most of what I see and hear. Unless it’s on the internet, then it must be true. So straight away I’m having some doubts as to what’s actually happened here, more so when I never ever see the parents lose it whilst fronting one of the many media conferences they’ve held. Now I watch a lot of news (because I’m boring) and I am yet to see these two cry once and that doesn’t sit right with me. I’d hate to put myself in their shoes but if my son went missing, I’d be about as coherent as Sly Stallone.

And then something a little too freaky naughty happens - the case goes global. Internet sites, sports teams and rock stars start promoting the cause and wearing the tee-shirts. Who’s getting the money from those tee-shirts I wonder quietly to myself? Why are so many people getting on the case? Is it because it has a catchy slogan? There sure are a lot of missing kids in the world, do they have highly orchestrated multi media campaigns too I wonder? I’m really pissing my wife off by this time with all my out loud wonderings.

So here’s my theory. What if this is the biggest hoax since the Da Vinci Code? For those that don’t get what I mean by that, check out the list of the top selling non fiction titles of all time – it ain’t on there. Neither is the Bible but that’s another blog. It’s a horrible thought I know to have over what is a contentious and emotional issue, but it’s not impossible, is it? Who could do such a thing you may well ask and truth be told I ask myself that too but there’s always a first time. It would almost be right up there with marketing obesity causing fast foods to innocent children, wouldn't it?

Perhaps it's more a sign of today’s society that you can no longer believe anything you see on the news or in the papers? Not the intranet though, it’s all true on there.

I hope I’m wrong but if I’m right then dang, that’s whack.