Three's A Crowd - Even On The Radio

Three, as the saying goes, is a crowd.

So why do radio stations persist in having three or more Muppets hosting their breakfast shows? Who made up the rule that three was cool? Three is annoying and is as unfunny collectively as I suspect they are individually. And what about the stations where the producer chimes in making it a foursome? There’s a reason you couldn’t cut it as a DJ at radio school mate, because you weren’t funny then either.

All they do is talk, about shit. And not just once. If you’ve ever had the distinct misfortune of listening to a breakfast radio show here in NZ for longer than 15 minutes, then you soon start to realise they’re repeating themselves. They will always revisit what they talked about in the last 15 minutes. By the third time round, they’re actually repeating their last repeat! If the first bit sucked – which it usually does - then not surprisingly, so does the 43rd rendition.

It’s true that opinions are like anuses, we all have one. But I certainly don’t want to see your anus in the morning and I don’t want your opinion. If I wanted to listen to retards giving me their take on life in the morning I would tune in to talkback. That’s 24 / 7 anus. Some of it even makes more sense.

So why the constant repeat? All the radio research shows that people only ever listen to the radio in 10 – 15 minute bursts. That’s why play lists are often repeated every couple of hours – the bastards have worked out that that is when you’re next likely to be listening and that’s why the three stooges endlessly repeat themselves. They want to catch you before you hop in the shower and after you get out, before you take a dump and after you’ve finished.

Here's a thought - why not save time then and dump in the shower? Depends on your diet I suppose.

There is only one way round this phenomenon. That’s messing with the mind and ultimately the results of the tele-researcher. I love it when a tele-researcher calls, especially when it’s for something like radio stations, of which I know just about all of them. I have a mega memory for random and inconsequential things like that. Don't ask me how, its just the way I roll.

So the researcher asks you a series of questions about which stations you know, which you listen too and for how long. I list them all. Even the foreign language ones and I make like I change them on my wireless quicker than I do my mind. I contradict my earlier answers in the survey too and generally do the researchers head in so much I suspect many of them hand in their resignation at the end of that very shift.

I did that job once – I resigned at the end of my first shift. I only did it because I fancied the friend who got me the job. I therefore know how to hook in a tele-researcher. They’re so often the brunts of the cold hang up that when someone genuinely begins answering your questions you’re hooked like a dog on another dogs crack. The guy answering their questions could literally whack one out whilst on the phone and still not risk being hung up on.

I even regulary fill out an on line survey of the current playlist that the local radio station sends me. I do it because I hate what they play (my wife incidentally loves their playlist) and I love letting them know. Funnily enough they’ve stopped sending me those surveys.

All this talking means less music and ironically, less space for advertising – the bread and butter of any station. By the time the three amigo’s have finished talking, I have long tuned out on them and any advertising that might be of interest. I wonder how the advertisers feel about that? Radio should return to what it’s good at. That’s playing good music, with hourly interruptions only for the news, sports and weather. And we only need the one guy to tell us the time.

Because three is certainly a crowd. Not, however, in the event of a spit roast, for in that instance, three is most definitely the magic number.