Some things never change no matter where you are. Like daytime TV – shit whether you’re at home on the couch because you’ve pulled a sickie, or on a hospital bed because you are a sickie. Admittedly I didn’t watch a lot of TV whilst in hospital, but some of the stuff I did was even more disturbing than the abnormal interest my Asian physio had in examining my phlegm each morning.
TV1 news for example, now gives us the weather before, during and after the news. That’s the same weather forecast three times in an hour. Now I would’ve thought that by now, after about 40 years of it having been done the same way each and every night that people would know that the weather is covered in the last ten minutes of the news. If you haven’t figured that out by now then let’s be honest, it’s not going to make a blind bit of difference whether it’s raining or sunny tomorrow because in all probability you are a Mongol and will dress / plan / venture inappropriately regardless of the overhead conditions. Just because your audience is getting dumber TV1, doesn’t mean you have to.
And I love how both channels – TV1 and TV3 – show the same news shots from the same event and try to claim it as ‘exclusive footage’. Did they not see each other standing there whilst they were filming or what? And just because your camera is ten metres closer than the other network’s doesn't mean you can claim to be the ‘first to bring it to you’ either! Munters.
Mind you TV3 aren’t far off having the dudes from Play School present their shows either. Their V8 Supercars coverage on Sundays is presented by the morning crew from The Rock radio station. If you’re not a big fan of the unoriginal Rock team then you’re fucked really, because now they’re on your TV too, lead by Rog, the tiny unattractive man with a voice that sounds like he needs a wheelbarrow to carry his humongous gnads around. He doesn’t, incidentally, because they’re not humongous but it makes you wonder why he, a man with a face for radio, got the job and not some up and coming presenter with a future in the bizzo?
The only saving grace for that lot is Tracy Donaldson gets to be on camera and she’s every bit as good looking as she sounds on the radio. She’s a blondie too which means she has a 95% better chance of appearing on the cover of Cleo than a brunette. I know this because a) I’ve made this observation before in a previous blog and b) thanks to the generous stack of glossy mags I had to work through whilst in hospital I can confirm that nothing has changed. Both Cleo and Cosmo had their usual blond it girl on the cover and inside, pages and pages of how to look like her. They also had in depth earth shattering articles on how to get the career you want. The big secret is just to be yourself. Genius. But now I’m confused – is it try to look like Kate Heigel, or be myself?! Oh fuck. And what if I’m a ginga that looks nothing like Kaye Heigel – is there any hope for me?!
Cleo also had an insightful piece on what guys want in a girl. It looked to me as though the guys were actually asked ‘what gives you a stiffy?’ because the answers were pretty stock standard; nice figure, great legs, firm boobs. Dave on the other hand, liked ‘dresses with flowers on them’, which made me think Dave hadn’t been vetted very well for his sexual preference because I don’t think it was girlies.
Cleo also had their most ‘full on’ sealed section ever, which contained 93 sexpert tricks written by actual pornstars, strippers and sexperts. It contained gems like ‘do it in a public place’, take it ‘slow and steady’ and try ‘using no hands’. Despite having several multiple orgasms by just reading the damn thing I couldn’t help but feel that by using the term ‘full on’ Cleo had reset the bar when it comes to bullshitting their readership. There weren’t even 93 tips either! Just because your audience is getting dumber Cleo, doesn’t mean you have to too.
I wonder if Cleo and Cosmo get the same guy to write their sealed sections as FHM and Ralph do to write their erotic stories. Although FHM try to make like theirs is written by a dirty girl, one who makes good use of her Thesaurus because I for one never knew there were quite so many words that meant ‘ejaculate’. Maybe it’s something that’s only taught in ‘fat guys who want to talk dirty online’ school.
There’s actually very little difference between the likes of Cleo and the likes of FHM. They contain lots of what’s cool, lots of innuendo and lots of girls wearing very little. FHM and Ralph do actually have some interesting stuff in them but it’s buried beneath all the soft porn. Barmaids and girls next door in bikinis were great ten years ago but that was before a little thing called the Internet came along – you may have heard of it – and started delivering free porn daily in any flavour you liked. Surely these lads’ mags are fighting a losing battle for sales because I reckon if you’ve seen one pretty girl holding her naked milkers you’ve seen them all.
What they should do is cut out all the soft porn, seal their issues up each month in a plastic bag and include on the inside a free one time log in to a porn site of your choosing. Now that would be worth $8.
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