Fancy A Wank?

You’d think that spending 10 days flat out on your back would be the perfect time to have a wank wouldn’t you? Well you’d be wrong. I imagine that when the guy who thought up the whole idea of hospitals came up with the concept he probably had masturbation on his mind, but I’m unconvinced at this point in time that he was pro-wank. Consider the following:

1. The whole concept of hospital is like a dream. Its all white, you’re always in bed, you have loads of alone time and mostly attractive young ladies tend to your every need. Very wanky.

2. Unfortunately the curtains in each room are half a meter too short so they never quite reach all the way across so that even were you to have a quick one, thus filling in some of that alone time, chances are you’d be watched. Anti-wank design that one.

3. Theres lots of touchy feely examinations that take place. If you’re lucky, it’s a sheila. Lovely, that will keep you going for a few days.

4. If you’re not, it’s a dude. Bugger.

5. The beds themselves go up and down, up and down. Very wanky. Infact the tip of your bed can be raised. Your bed can have an erection too!

6. But the sheets on the beds are so thin that no matter what position you lie in it looks like you’ve got a stiffy! I tried lying on my stomach but that just gave me a stiffy. If you wake each morning with one then the first person to see it is likely to be the cleaner and she’s more prone to whack it down with her mop. Not very wanky at all.

7. Every hand basin in the place is at teste height. Every tap is at chest height. It might make life easier for surgeons who want to scrub up to their elbows but for everybody else they just end up splashing water all over your crutch which can look like you just had a wank. Or that you wet yourself. Neither is a turn on really.

8. Similarly every food item that you get for lunch or tea that is white and lives in a punnet, like ice cream, will as a rule, explode all over you as you pull back the lid. Inexplicably it will cover your nether regions making it look too all and sundry like you just had a wank. Nothing worse than looking like you’ve just had one when you never did.

9. The paper towels rip off in 47 separate pieces all about the size of a potato chip, so you can’t even clean up the above. Frantically trying to wipe off white creamy stuff with broken tissue just makes the whole scene look more suss than it even is.

10. Finally, even in the case of an emergency such as a fire, there are masturbatory connotations as this sign indicates. Now I'd be confused. Do I help put out the fire or have a wank....?