A tighty whitey singlet – made famous by the likes of Jake the Muss – is commonly known here in NZ as a ‘wife beater’, but I propose that from this week on it’s referred to as a ‘Tony Veitch’. Let this go on record as being the first official bad taste use of the Tony Veitch affair.
Veitch finally came out and admitted what some already knew about NZs favourite – or most irritating depending which channel you watch the news on each night - small man; that yes, about a year ago, he did infact give his then missus a good kicking. Apparently this was one of those dirty little secrets that people within the circle of trust that is the B & C grade NZ celebrity scene had known for some time but it took the Dom Post to splash it across their front page Monday morning before we, the working class folk with normal jobs and normal lives were to find out that Mr Veitch is not so far removed from us at all.
Veitch – usually impossible to shut up – kept quiet all week before finally fronting up to the same sort of press conference he has so often been on the other side of and you could bloody tell too - his statement reeked of having watched one too many media conferences held by the high profile sportspeople that he spends all day talking, writing and wanking about. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see that several of them now sue the guy for outright plagiarism. I can hardly blame him for pinching their work though, I'm guessing it wasn't something he ever expected to have to do when he paid his battered and broken girlfriend a hundred thousand grand to shut the hell up about it all a few years ago.
The token gesture of having his current wife stand behind him as he made it was as convincing as the time Hilary stood behind Bill the day he finally revealed that he and Monica had poked, rather than toked, the cigar they shared that time they were alone in the oval office. In his impassioned plea for leniency, Veitch revealed that he was on medication and under immense pressure from two stressful jobs at the time, which explains the Once Were Warriors re-enactment that night. A good story and almost believable (although not condonable even if it were true) were it not for the fact that talking on the radio and reading the sports headlines on the TV each night are hardly right up there in terms of stressful jobs. Try having to scrape people off the road, run into burning buildings or jump start dead hearts before you reel that sob story out Tony, you tit.
What Veitch does to earn the considerable amount of wedge he earns shouldn’t be confused with those things in term of importance, because they’re not even fucking close. Guys like Veitch might think that the world of current affairs might stop were he to fall of the face of the earth (chance would be a fine thing) but alas, it won’t. It’s this sense of inflated self importance that leads a guy like him to think that it’s okay to buy off any mistakes he might make. His job is easy money and he knows it. The long line of dudes standing behind the small man currently in the chair, just waiting to take his place know it too and that’s why Veitch hoped he could pay his way out of this one, because annoying sports anchors are a dime a dozen.
He might think that a smart suit, a well scripted 5 minutes of bullshit and a steadfast wife standing by might get him back on the telly but those that pay his wage will have other ideas. They know only too well that the backlash from a public that view him as a wife beater means a loss in viewer ship or listener ship and thus ultimately in advertising revenue. This is not adultery we’re talking about here either, this is an actual crime (assault) that Veitch has managed to pay his way out of and its hard to see the man getting any sympathy even if he is a dwarf. Ironically TV3 took great pleasure in running the piece as one of its top stories each night, whereas TV1 didn’t’ want to touch it with a barge pole. The same thing happened in reverse a few years back when then TV3 sports anchor Clint Brown had a few too many in Taupo, but then he only took a swipe at another fella, Veitch smacked his bitch up.
The real problem is that Veitch suffers from – amongst a myriad of other issues I’m sure – small man syndrome, an affliction common in those that have spent their life looking up at real men. It leads most man midgets to believe that almost everything is about them. Like the guy I know who suffers from the same affliction and who my boys gave a soccer lesson to his boys last season. He did what all small men do in the face of adversary; he got fired up and started ranting and raving. Not a good look on the sideline of an eight year olds soccer game. Luckily his wife wasn’t there; she would have gone home in a wheelchair.
“Geez that poo chick from Wheel of Fortune annoys me, I feel like giving her a right Tony Veitching” – second official bad taste use of the Tony Veitch affair.
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