I saw a lot of scary things whilst in Gisbos and I'm not just talking about skanky girls who think that wearing a singlet as a dress is the latest in high street fashion. Breezy on a hot fanny it might be but I think I speak for every heterosexual out there when I say baring ones undercarriage every time you breathe in, is definitely not cool.
One of the joys of sharing a house is that you inevitably have to share the TV rights and unfortunately that means having to watch bits of shows that you'd never, ever willingly subject yourself to, like Shortland Street. Now I accept Shorters for what it is; a soap that by nature appeals to a pretty low denominator, voyeurism. Which is what all soaps do, they allow the watcher to regular partake in a world that is fantastical and often not their own. We watched a bit of Coro too, as was the Aunties want. Great stuff. But where Shorters differs from the likes of Coro Street is in the standard of the acting.
I've seen better acting at my son’s school. And he's ten. The kids at his school aren't paid to act and they aren't directed by folk who've done course in directing people. So with that in mind you would be right in thinking that they should actually know what they're doing on the set of Shorters. But I don't think they do. You would think that with such a support network in place that 25 minutes of a passable production would be achievable, but it rarely is. I watched several bits of several episodes and I am genuinely convinced that someone somewhere is having a farken laugh, because if I was the person responsible for turning out such rubbish I'd seriously consider topping myself. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable in calling myself a 'director' or an 'actor'.
Now admittedly Shorters has been a very successful springboard for a notable few, but for every one actor who has gone on to make something of themselves there are hundreds that have delivered their lines with all the intensity one would find in a glass of water. And people watch this stuff? Every night? Fuck me. What really puckers my anus is that people like to talk about Shorters as being 'part of our culture'. The fuck it is. Let's compare Billy T James and Shitland Street and see which one cuts the mustard as far as being part of our culture. The same people also fart about saying things like that a 'whole generation has been raised on Shortland Street'. That bit is probably true, which goes a long way towards explaining a few things about the youth of today, aye?
I'm no stranger to soaps. Back when we were kids we only had one TV - didn't everyone back then - and that meant you watched whatever Mum watched and my mother watched a lot. Coro, Emmerdale, Eastenders; every bloody soap on the box. Hardly the kind of thing a coming of age boy hopes for in order to get him in the mood for a quick one when Mum leaves the room during the ads to make a cuppa. But somehow I got by and my ever increasing, swelling, blue pubescent balls thanked me for it.
Speaking of your cock up, my arse - I couldn't help but notice the world’s biggest phallus rolled into town (well Auckland) this week with the arrival of the first Airbus A380 to our shores. What a monster it is. We boys love planes, quite possibly because most of them look a lot like our willies and if looking at lots of other willies makes me a poof than go ahead and call me Gaylord. But I had to laugh when I saw the A380 because in these hard economic times it kind of reminds me of that episode of The Office where instead of laying off staff, David Brent hires himself a PA.
Of course when they thought up, designed and built the A380 the world wasn't looking down the barrel of a recession. But now we are and it's supposedly darker than Barack’s starfish, only how they'd know that I don't know. Unless his wife came up with that and then I'm pretty sure we can take her word for it. What's she doing poking around there anyway? Kinky bitch.
But it's a bit like Hitler building the equally massive King Tiger tank, the biggest, heaviest tank of the war. It was that great and I get hard just writing about it. But it was ultimately useless because once it finally got to see action, in the defrosting fields of Europe, it was so heavy that it sank into the mud and was immovable. I can only imagine what dear old Adolf would've said when he heard of it, probably something along the lines of 'Shitto'.
Anyhoo. What I don't get about the airline bizzo is the contradictions that come out of the place. On one hand one airline clearly feels it can pack out the biggest cock with wings every flight, whilst on the other hand it's competition are saying that there are too many half empty flights as it is and the A380 is not sustainable. Sounds like someone has airplane envy to me. But if there are so many empty flights then why is it all the ones I've ever boarded were jammed pack with crying babies who haven't had their nappies changed for several hours?
The only thing that would make it worse is if they showed Shorters during the flight.
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