Bringing Back The Biff

It wouldn't be Waitangi Day without a bit of biff would it? It might only have been a bit of shirt tugging but it seems some good 'ol boys up that neck of the woods are determined to prove each year that the savage native has not yet been tamed by the colonial invader. And what better way to tell it to the man by picking on a guy with a broken arm aye?

But things do seem to have turned a corner as far as race relations go in this country. We all seem to have grown up this past year and realised that a) we don't need to make sensationalistic comparisons of the Maori in this country to the slavery struggles of Afro Americans in the States and that b) flying the tino rangatiratanga flag atop a government building our bridge on our national day, like the Dunedin City Council did, is no big deal.

Not that the Maori flag that looks so good on tee shirts and plastered across the back window of dusty station wagons and vans is actually is the actual Maori flag of independence. It’s certainly not the one that represented the Maori when the treaty was signed. No this present day piece of astute marketing is just that, something thought up by somebody with an eye for colour back in 1990. Not that it really matters I suppose, its not so much the symbol but the movement it stands for, but it's just a little known fact that makes me want to start an argument with someone.

But you know and I know that that little exercise would be like trying to have a balanced discussion with somebody obsessively religious - they're never going to see your point but the reaction would be well worth the wind up. Funnily enough I find all this talk of Maori independence and sovereignty about the same as I do religion; I don't mind that people do so long as they don't attempt to ram it up my arse. A little known fact is that my bottom is an exit only area, nothing gets in that bad boy.

I haven't always been so flaccid when it comes to accepting Te Reo. It all harks back to my college days where we had a marae on site, which in itself doesn't knot my undies, but we also had a principal who obsessed with being as Maori as one can be when one is as white as my aforementioned skinny arse. That meant compulsory Te Reo lessons for everyone at Naenae College, once a week, every damn term. At least it would have been for me had it not been for my mother, who, in perhaps the only moment of genius I can ever fairly attribute to her, wrote me a note that excused me from Te Reo.

She wrote that she would prefer that I learnt how to fully master the English language before I started with something as fruity as Maori. Now a note like that could have been read as being sarcy for someone who didn’t know my mother, but the sad fact is that she was genuinely of the opinion that I had all the communication skills of a mute. This coming from a woman who would later come up with such insightful gems as the day she told me she knew what I spent all my money on; beer and condoms, (like all men do). My mother might have been nuttier than a Snickers bar but I forgave her for it that day.

I wasn't the only one to get out of that particular class though. One of the 'teachers' did too after her old school technique of discipline - by smacking kids over the legs with a vacuum cleaner tube - came to the attention of the school board. Still despite all this, the principal was recognised by the local Iwi as being a huge suck up and was presented with a magnificent feathered cloak at assembly one morning. He thought he looked like the shit and a complete Maori, we all thought he just looked like a tit.

Speaking of bringing back the biff, it seems even that prettiest of pretty boys, Chris Brown is not immune from smacking his bitch up. I knew that guy was too smooth to be true. Admittedly I figured he'd probably end up being exposed as a kiddie fiddler like R Kelly, but wife beater would have been my second guess. And even more proof then that no matter how hot or how desirable a woman is someone, somewhere, is sick of her shit.

Not that I find Rhianna remotely hot or desirable, I think she’s distinctly average, but she seems to have a considerable fan base which I’m guessing just got one name shorter.