Geez this recession business is some serious shit isn't it?
Or so we're told. Someone is always telling us aren't they? There's always an expert on something, somewhere prepared to tell you just how bad it is. I really wish they wouldn't though; those people stuff it up for those of us that really do know it all. But no matter how grim it's going to get, I can't help but think there are some positives to a global recession.
Like how finally we will have a solution to the rampant consumerism that seems to plague just about everybody. With the prospect of job losses and cost cutting we can expect discretionary spending to reduce. With the pinch going on financial intuitions - especially finance companies - we can expect interest rate on hire purchases and personal loans to be high. Loan shark high. If that doesn't curb the desire for the sufferers of status anxiety to feel they have to buy the latest in flat screen TVs to match the neighbours, then what the fuck will aye?
Of course more and more finance companies are going bust because the investments they have made with your debt have fallen through, so the neighbour who still owes a packet on the latest in flat screen TV that he bought with the help of the finance company, is going to lose it as the creditors try and recoup some of the investors money. Suddenly that old cathode number that sits out in the garage or the shed and served every bugger so well for so long is not too shabby after all.
Upgrading the iPod to the latest colour range won't be an option, nor will be the next generation in cell phones; the ones that have a built in toilet. That PC of yours that just doesn't seem to download the streaming porn quite as quick as it use to will just have to do you for a few years, you'll just have to burn your favourite Red Tube clips to disc.
Electrical appliances will have to be repaired, not trashed at the first hint of trouble like the old video player that chewed your stick flick just as it was getting to the threesome bit, again. Those that specialise in small appliance repair will have the kind of brisk trade that their grandfather used to tell them about when he first started the business back in the 50's. Shoes and clothes will have to last more than one season and people will finally start to question whether or not $15 to see a movie that will be out on DVD in a few weeks is money well wasted.
Boy racers like my neighbour will find that not only are their ridiculously loud Jappas more expensive to buy, but the finance and insurance costs of just such a motor will be more than they save by living at home, wanking their days away on the couch until Mum comes home. Those with menial jobs and who spend their apprenticeship at the garage out the back sniffing the old CRC cans, might be reduced to car pooling when they do the Courtney Place circuit because their minimum wage won’t stretch to meet the on going costs of keeping their wanker’s wagons on the roads. Oh dear, how sad, never mind.
Restaurants and cafes will do it tough because their patrons will have to stay home and heaven forbid learn to cook. Home Economics classes at secondary schools will overflow with new entrants because chances are it will be the only feed that some of those kids get. There is a shortage of Home Ec teachers in New Zealand, a sure sign that for too long now the art of cooking and knowing the basics has been lost on a generation that has everything offered to them pre-pared, pre-sliced and pre-packed for consumer convenience.
Companies are realising that the ridiculous concept that is the corporate lunch and having a 'coffee meeting' is not only a waste of money it's a waste of time. The same companies will look to cut costs and unfortunately that will mean redundancies, no surprise given that usually a figure of about 75% of a companies expenditure is on wages. Those that keep their jobs will find that their email and internet usage will be closely scrutinised as firms look to maximise productivity. No emails and Facebook? Crikey. What will Generation X,Y, or whatever fucken letter we're up to do at work all day? Actually work?
Yep, even a recession has its positives.
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