I know we’re all trying to save the environment and shit by car pooling, but seeing two dudes sharing a motorbike just makes me uncomfortable. Reach around anyone?
Sex Ed at school made everybody uncomfortable. I was reminded of this recently when Junior announced his class was going through puberty. The lesson, not the body changing experience, although in some cases of kids with advanced development - and I have seen them with my own eyes - I suspect it’s both.
Even the act of teaching it has changed. Why just the other day his class had to come up with as many swear words as they know for male and female genitalia. Now that’s my kind of lesson.
They even have homework; both Junior and my niece – the football prodigy – have to do an assignment on puberty and the changes it brings. Back in the day they never set us homework for sex ed because we had our own; masturbation and we all got an ‘A’.
Which reminds me of the time Maxi got caught wanking by his Nana. The poor old thing had a stroke. Maxi was surprised to find she had such a soft hand...
Things have definitely changed since our day. Our sex ed consisted of a couple of lesbian P.E teachers showing us cutaways of the various bits on an A3 bit of paper and that was it. Quite why it had to be the lesbian teachers that took the co-ed class I never did quite understand; it just made us fellas laugh the whole time and the girls awkward as Ms Man spoke with some intensity about the vagina.
The diagrams, although incredibly accurate, were quite useless. The penis for example, was drawn at such an angle it made us boys wonder if that something was not quite right with our equipment.
Now I don’t make a habit of checking out cock or nothing, but I’ve never ever seen one with quite the same bent arm action going on as those 1950s diagrams would have you believe.
As for the female reproductive system, well, it could have been a map of the solar system for all we knew. None of the heavily embellished sexual stories from our older brothers or friends mentioned anything about it looking like the Klingon Bird of Prey, for chrissakes.
I realise now of course that such horrendous diagrams were most likely to have been drawn by a celibate monk so as to scare young minds off ever contemplating trying to get past the undies. Oh how he must have dreamed of the day that lesbian P.E teachers unleashed them on a frightened student faculty...
A few years later and, conveniently after we had all left college, Sex Ed suddenly became hands on.
Young girls were given condoms to pull on over all matter of root vegetable, usually cucumbers which just ruined it for fucken everybody. From that point on sexually awakened girls expected to find a cucumber each and every time, whilst boys spent their nights weeping uncontrollably with the impending inadequacy that moment would bring.
My dear friend and daughter I never had, Sam, a college girl, tells me that sex ed at her age is still very much hands on but thankfully there’s not a cucumber in sight. Hers is a single sex school which at least makes the whole process easier; at least there aren’t half a class room of boys feeling inadequate because their penis doesn’t resemble a tap. Or a cucumber.
Still, I guess I can be thankful that schools make an attempt at least because let’s be honest, no teen in their right mind is going to ask Mum and Dad about it so that leaves only avenue, porn and as I’ve mentioned several times before, that particular medium has a lot to answer for in mis-educating young male minds.
On second thoughts, maybe a couple of lesbians and a cucumber aren’t so bad after all.
I remember 1 very brave girl asking our teacher how come the boy ejaculates in stead of pissing inside us. The teacher went bright red and we all wet ourselves laughing. To this day I can't remember his answer.
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