What Not To Wear This Summer (Or Ever)

Let’s take time out for a moment to take the piss out of what some folk are wearing, because someone has to.

Far be it from me to judge and all that PC shit, but I am a raging metrosexual and if there’s one thing I’m quite good at its spotting ensembles that work and those that don’t. It’s my channeling the inner gay at its finest.

Let us then begin:

1. The dress that is short at the front and long at the back, the mullet of the fashion world.

I think that this particular item owes its ‘popularity’ to the TV show on gyppos that aired a few months back. That in its self should explain why this garment is a failure on so many levels. It is the female equivalent of the sleeveless vest; neither here nor there and I don’t care how good the legs are, it just looks as silly as a fella wearing a cape.

It is the latest item in something I like to call ‘Hepatitis Chic’.

2. Retro swim shorts, especially the flouro pink ones.

I saw a teenage boy wearing a pair of this a few months back at the turf and thought that maybe it was just the first bad choice in a long line of many that kid will make over the next few years.

But then I started noticing more and more of them in various menswear stores and realised that yet another relic from the late eighties is back, the flouro fucking swim shorts. Yes, caught somewhere between a pair of boardies and good taste are faded pink togs, best worn with copious amounts of coconut oil, aviators and looking like a dick.

3. Jean Shorts (the really short ones)

Speaking of retro, these have been making a steady comeback for a few years but seem to have exploded this summer. Now I love seeing young girls wearing these as much as the next happily married man, but I do worry about the body image dramas these bring our young women who already have a shitload of that on their plates.

Put simply, some girls just don’t suit them but what is a parent to say when their young princess wants to wear what everyone else at school is, even if they’re bulging out of ends? It’s not a decision I envy having to make. And if they’re the cut off variety why would you want the inside of the pockets to hang out the leg? That just seems naff.

Still, what I know aye? Gok Wan I ain’t but I promise you this, you won’t catch Junior wearing a mullet skirt, pink togs or jean shorts, not while I’m paying for the wardrobe anyway.

As you were.