The Hitch Hike

Straight from the ‘I’ve seen a porno that started like this..” comes the story of JK and his boys last week picking up a hitchhiker on their way up North. Innocent enough but this was no ordinary hitch hiker, no, for she was:

1. Swiss
2. Single
3. A nurse
4. Ridiculously good looking
5. Not to mention happy to hop into a SUV with four strapping Kiwi blokes

To say she gave the lads a Toblerone is an under statement. Apparently she’d been trip hopping her way round the country using the same means of transport and had only had to turn down a ride the once. Sounds like me with the girls in my college days but then I was ridiculously good looking back then.

Hitch hiking is a funny thing. Personally I could never do it on account that I have a car and thus asking for a lift just doesn’t make sense, but even if I didn’t there is the whole stranger danger thing that would worry me too much.

What if they took a fancy to my pretty boy looks and decided to keep me, take me to some place off the beaten track and do things to me that I always dreamed would happen but never actually thought would? What if I did the same to them? It’s just a Pandora’s Box of opportunities really.

My sister did it for a long while, whilst on the run from all manner of child authorities I might add, but she absolutely swore by it. So did JK’s Swiss Miss but then like so many other things it’s probably a lot easier when you’re a sheila.

I see a lot of guys hitching and it makes me laugh at the state of them. Perhaps it’s a result of the lifestyle but asking to share the confined space of a car with someone when you look and possibly smell like road kill, is not a good marketing strategy I would have thought. Still, someone must take the chance.

Then there’s the awkwardness of it all like what happens when the conversation runs out or simply never starts. At what point would my Jonas Brothers / Oasis / Metallica iPod mix become an issue and who would have to kick who out. And Junior put the Jo Bros on there anyway.

The only time I’ve ever contemplated picking up a hitchy is when faced with the Tui ad scenario that JK had the other day but even then, knowing my luck, her minger of a boyfriend will exit from the bushes where he was hiding the whole time and want to sit up front with me. Chances are they’ll be from one of those fruity countries too, like Sweden and he’ll have cut off jean shorts on as well which will just add to the irony of it all.

Speaking of which, the missus and I watched ‘Love And Other Drugs’ a wee while back and yes, Anne Hathaway does spend a good deal of the movie naked but then so does Jake Gyllenhal and every time I closed my eyes for a long time after wards I saw his naked thighs.

I think I'll go back to imagining that porno I saw that started like JK's story...

The Dumb Down Burger

The intelligence of this country took another hit this week with the arrival of the Double Down burger from that bastion of healthy life choices, KFC.

Naturally the health conscious freaked and got their miserable, puckered anus like faces in and on everything dispelling the nutritional content of such a thing. It was an exercise that backfired spectacularly because in doing so they created huge hype to something that even the company admitted on camera it was never really going to promote.

Oh and of course the media had a field day with it.

I’ve said it once but I love the sound of my voice so I’ll do so again; we’re a pretty sad fucken country when something like a burger gets the tits in a tangle and it starts becoming a lead news story. It’s not news, it’s a burger. It’s not a health epidemic, it’s a burger and it’s certainly not a freedom of choice issue because it’s only a fucken burger.

And are you, like me, sick to death of seeing nutritionists bagging everything they personally wouldn’t eat and taking the moral high ground accordingly? I for one know that they don’t practice what they preach for I regularly bump into (I wish, she’s quite tidy) the dietitian I had whilst in the hospital last, at the supermarket and she buys some shit, so there you go.

And they’re only ever one of two types of people are these self appointed experts; morbidly obese thus completely jealous of anyone that eats the Double Down, or stick thin and thus incapable of holding the Double Down let alone eat it (thus being completely jealous of anyone who can).

It's not even the worst burger I've ever heard off. That particular honour goes to one that a guy who we always called 'uncle' but actually wasn't, told me to ask for a fur burger at the corner dairy. Now I might have only been 10 years old but even I suspected I didn't want one, especially as he haven't given me any money to pay for it.

By all means, fight the good fight on childhood obesity and all that jazz but pick your battles aye? Steer clear of anything that any fast food joint churns out because people go there to buy that rubbish. They don’t give a toss about you telling them how much salt is in the damn thing or the calorie count any more than a smoker cares how much nicotine is in their durry; all they care is that there is some.

So the Double Down is here for five weeks and for the small minority of the population that have or will try them, like Chef and JK, they’re pretty good by all accounts. KFC are rubbing their fat caked hands with all the free publicity they’ve gotten over it and every celery eater who spoke up about body mass index and shit looks like a fool, again.

Personally that stuff goes right through me and looks the same coming out as it did going in, so I won’t be partaking unless I have the urge for a cheap colonic. But I do feel a little bit dumber for having seen / heard / read the whole sorry saga so maybe a product rename is in order:

New from KFC – The Dumb Down Burger.

Even the Chef, with his extraordinary culinary palate, inhaled his Dumb Down burger.