I Love A Wedding - Even In Oz

Off, then, to Australia for me old mate Sully’s wedding.

And what a week it was. He showed us the bright lights of Brisbane town, I got a tan and spent the day itself surrounded by and looking out for, four gorgeous bridesmaids. Where I come from we’d call that a result.

Now admittedly Australia is a grand place, but there’s something about the thing that just gets on my tits. And not just because it’s full of Aussies.

Actually I met several nice ones whilst there and spotted just as many on their lunch break in the city centre. The inner city girls are a very stylish lot who clearly take a pride in their appearance, so much so I wonder just how anyone manages to work around them. I know I couldn’t.

It got me wondering what they’ve done with all the average looking folk, because I didn’t see many. Maybe it was just that I was so busy trying to check out the female cast of Home and Away that I didn’t notice anyone normal.

Oh and the little school uniforms they wear on shows like that? No one wears anything remotely arousing as that in inner suburbs of Brisbane town and believe me, I checked. Several times. How many disappointed paedophiles have travelled to Australia on the basis of that one I wonder?

Somewhat bizarrely the only crowd that stood out more from the nubile and well dressed were those moving about in small gangs that were neither goth nor emo, but yet all looked like they had hepatitis. It must be an Aussie thing.

The one thing that they do really well, in Queensland anyway, is their roads. They, like slavery, just get shit done. Everything is two or three lanes, minimum and that’s just the residential areas and whereas here in NZ it takes years to fill a pot hole at the end of your street, the Ossies erect things like main arterial bridges between your Gold Coast visits. And we were only there three years ago!

But then the place is so damn big they have to really.

Everything is about carving the quickest route from Point A to Point B and minimising disruption while they do so. Whereas in NZ every second road worker leans on a spade as you take an hour to crawl through 50 metres of roadwork, they just get on with it. In Brisbane they shut down one lane, leaving three. No fucken dramas.

All of which was secondary to the real reason we were that and that was, of course, to see my good mate and fellow World Cup football sweepstake conspirator, Sully, marry his gorgeous misses, Jess. I had the honour of being a groomsman which has all the coolness of the best man with none of the responsibility!

I did take it upon myself to look after Jess and the girls whenever I could. I won’t lie to you; it is an unpleasant job looking after five stunning young ladies but I think I managed to pull it off and what’s more, I have the photos to prove it. I don't think it's a job I'd ever get tired of either...

So well done Mr and Mrs O’Sullivan; you two were outstanding and it was I, for once, who was a close second.

The Threeway.

Tell the truth now; how many times have you read a headline like this online:

Drunk Teen ‘Forced Into Sex Act’

And thought “Oh yeah, I’ll have a look at that...!”

Usually in the hope there will be a pic or two. Only there isn’t and to really top things off and make you feel really stink for hoping it was filthy, is the first paragraph which list’s the ‘act’ as occurring between some dirty old bugger and some stoned boy.

Had it been a dirty old man and some drunken girl, well, that wouldn’t be as bad. All of which reminds me of a quote from Ja’mie King, inadvertent star of that kaleidoscope doco on Australian life; Summer Heights High:

“I’d rather be a paedophile than lesbian”.

I jest, of course. But then should we be super surprised that another teacher has been implicated in a sexual relationship with an underage student? Especially when the old parent – teacher interview is these days called a ‘three way’?!

True story and it’s called a three way because it’s the parent, the teacher and the child. Now I don’t know about you but if I’m remotely involved in any way in a three way, I sure as hell don’t want any kids about.

Rather worryingly, Mrs ClubDes is quite excited about the whole thing, on account of Junior’s teacher being quite the hunk of spunk. She hasn’t exactly been shy in telling people she’s having a three way tonight.

A. Three. Way. Further proof then that teacher’s these days are 5% shaping young minds and 95% rooting their way through rooting each other...

Ja'mie King; her breasts would've been bigger but she had an eating disorder in Year 8.

Halloween Cometh and Goeth (Thank God for That)

Now we all know that we Kiwis don't really get into the spirit of Halloween.

Most of us see it as an Americanised thing that only comes about because we watch so much Americanised garbage on the box. But it's precisely for that very reason that there are now a whole generation of kids up and down the country who love the whole idea of dressing up, knocking on strangers doors and begging for shit. Or lollies. Depends what you're into I suppose.

Of course the scaremongers amongst us love this time of year because they can crank up the myth that there is a paedophile behind every door. Thankfully we haven't reached the state of paranoia about kiddie fiddlers that they have in the UK where an online newspaper heading this week read "Parents Are Warned Not to Watch Their Kids at a Park - In Case They Are A Paedophile".

Anyways, we don't really do the 'Ween here at ClubDes but we got many at our door who did. Here are a select few who, despite interrupting us from our streaming kiddie porn each and every time, did earn themselves a sweetie for making us laugh.