Your Body Is A Wonderland

Why have testicular implants never caught on like the boob job has?

I always ponder this, funnily enough, whenever I handle kiwifruit. Surely having a couple of giant walnuts bouncing around in the third sock would be the ultimate in virility advertising? Nothing says ‘baby maker’ like carting your two veg around in a wheelbarrow that’s for sure. But the negative would far outweigh the positive I suspect. Them bad boys would bounce around and slap each other silly with any movement vaguely resembling exercise and as we all know, no one wants to handle bruised fruit. Not to mention the very real risk of accidentally sitting on one of them. I can imagine in some parts of the world you probably pay good money for a teste up the ringer but I wouldn't be all that keen to find out why, even if it were my own.

So it will never catch on like having fake milkers. We fellas just don’t care about our assets that much that we’d have them enlarged. Clearly it’s not high on the wish list of you sheilas either because if it was we’d all be doing it, especially if we thought it would result in us getting some. Like watching Greys Anatomy with you – we don’t do it by choice you know.

I was watching a show on the box the other night on cosmetic surgery and some bird who rated herself as all that and a bag of chips was having the fat hack sawed off her thighs in an attempt to appear more attractive. It didn’t help that she had a face for radio I thought or the personality of a soggy malt biscuit, but clearly to her it was her fatty thighs holding her back. I can never get over just how brutal and primitive cosmetic surgery is, especially the liposuction. I’m surprised the doctors don’t just cut to the chase and angle grind the fat off.

I’m not a fan of surgically altering what you’ve got – unless you’re a Mongol and surgery is the only option of having less folk heckle you, then that’s fair enough I suppose. But for pure vanity is it really worth it? Botox for instance, in its purest form is one of the most poisonous naturally occurring substances in the world and even though the stuff they inject into the eyebrows is watered down, that’s still a hell of a lot of faith to put in some geezer who calls you ‘darhling’.

Some guys are even having it injected in their scrotes in order to decrease the wrinkles apparently?! What the fuck? It’s meant to be wrinkly fellas, if you want smooth then get a fagina I say. Hell I don’t even let the wife near her retired wedding present if she hasn’t trimmed her nails and yet these guys are willingly waving needles around the man purse? It’s just not right. It’s all fun and games alright until someone ends up in the emergency room with a coke bottle up the arse with the excuse “I slipped on it whilst in the shower”.

And bleaching the anus – that’s when you know that this shit (no pun intended) has gone too far. Who came up with the idea I wonder and what were they doing in order to have this epiphany? Sure, there’s nothing I like better than giving myself a good ‘ol cheeks apart brown eye in the mirror each morning either, but I’m quite happy to let toilet paper do its thing or in the are case of a truly melted Picnic bar, a baby wipe. But bleaching the damn thing? I think I’d prefer deep heat and the broomstick to be perfectly honest.

No, cosmetic surgery is definitely whack in my book. But actually working your body to become a better you – now that I’m all for and not only will they become fitter and physically stronger, but the self esteem that these people so often lack will often appear too I reckon.

There’s no quick fix with exercise though, like everything worth doing you have to keep at it and stay motivated and to do so has to come from within yourself and if you’re lucky enough to have them, from a supportive network of friends, family and colleagues. Why spend your hard earned money having some sadistic bugger plane the fat from your thighs or paint your date with bleach in order to impress people who don’t really care anyway?

Because life’s too short I reckon to have botulism injected in your eyebrows or your sack, or your man berries enlarged to the size of kiwifruit. Work with what you’ve got and enjoy it. Your body is a wonderland and even if you don’t think so, someone is longing to take that ride.

Yes, even if you have a brown anus.

Radiohead vs Nicky Watson

Radiohead, the once cool but now crap alternative band for the angst of my generation, have done something quite cool again this past week.

In a world where everything can be downloaded from the net at no charge and at no risk bar a few Trojans – viruses, not condoms – they’ve decided to heed the age old adage of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ by offering their latest album online for free download before it hits the shops. The cool bit is you pay as much or as little as you want for it. It’s totally up to you.

Naturally, Radiohead fans have wet themselves and crashed the website in a rush to download the album. They’re an honourable lot too with most of them admitting that they paid nothing, bar the 40p transaction fee to download it. So there you go, even when you offer a geek the chance to be honest he doesn’t take it. How low will these people go I ask myself?! Oh the inhumanity of it all. But Radiohead don’t seem to care, they made trillions from their first couple of albums before it all went to shit, musically anyway, so I suspect the income factor on new recordings is not high on the priority list for them these days.

The music industry has freaked though. James Blunt for one has done his nut which is a bit rich coming from a guy who can lay claim to being the most played but equally most hated artist out I reckon. Maroon 5 would be a close second in my book - does any other band actually sound like they're giving each other a blowie whilst they play as much as those dudes?! Blunt must be doing alright though because he seems to hook up with some fantastic birds. He either has a huge chopper or a tiny one and like Tom Cruise, pays his missus for a little more than just the housekeeping.

Record companies have poopooed The ‘Head for making their music free to all because from their point of view ‘it sets a dangerous precedent’. You bet your arse it does! It means that other bands might take up the cause and start offering their new music direct to the listener, the fan, the consumer at a cheaper rate than the $30 we pay these days for a piece of coded plastic. Every bugger who touches the recording after the actual artist adds a 100% mark up to the cost of a CD, you can be sure of that. In this day and age there is simply no need for a recording to pass through so many hands anyway, not when it can be marketed direct to my living room via the intraweb.

And for an industry that talks a big game about dealing with piracy, I don’t see or hear many artists taking the same stand Radiohead has. Why don’t successful bands put pressure on their record labels to lower the wholesale prices of their music? It sure won’t stop the freeloaders but it’s a damn good start for people like me who actually want to reward the artistic endeavour it took to write an album full of original music and want to pay something for it. Releasing your music legitimately online it seems is only a path taken by the struggling to break it artist and the savant act like Radiohead, who don’t give a rats about the money or the sales any more.

One new release you’d have to pay me to download though is the new Nicky Watson calendar *shiver*. If Nicky Watson is New Zealand’s answer to Pamela Anderson then I want to know what the fucken question was and who asked it?! For all the naive, easily influenced young ladies out there reading this – Ames, that means you – here’s a free insight into the mind of the quintessential ClubDes man and hopefully some peace of mind for you: We don’t dig football size bitty and most men don’t. Over rated rock band drummers do, but that’s because they were breastfed well into their teens and exhibit the mentality to prove it. The only guy who enjoys seeing girls with a rack you could hide a small Asian family between is the surgeon who pockets twenty grand to implant them.

Watson must be getting desperate for the money too because in her calendar she is as airbrushed as one of my old 1/24 scale Tamiya models. She looks more look 3D rendered porn than she does real which will no doubt please those into 3D porn, an audience I suspect not too far separated from those that find Nicky ‘all that and a bag of chips’ anyway. 3D porn aye, what is up with that?! Now I can understand an animator getting a little bored in his downtime and rendering some girl on girl action late one night, we did the same in the back of our maths books at school. But now it’s gotten well out of hand. Why would anyone choose a drawing over the real thing when there’s so much of it on offer? For free even.

Maybe it harks back to the early days of a boys sexual awakening when the first girl he ever had a semi over was Daphne on Scooby Doo and her knee high boots. The minx. She was gagging for it too. Even now, on the odd occasion, Kim Possible in her cheerleader uniform can get a fella a little bailed up in the morning…

Or so I'm told.