Your Body Is A Wonderland

Why have testicular implants never caught on like the boob job has?

I always ponder this, funnily enough, whenever I handle kiwifruit. Surely having a couple of giant walnuts bouncing around in the third sock would be the ultimate in virility advertising? Nothing says ‘baby maker’ like carting your two veg around in a wheelbarrow that’s for sure. But the negative would far outweigh the positive I suspect. Them bad boys would bounce around and slap each other silly with any movement vaguely resembling exercise and as we all know, no one wants to handle bruised fruit. Not to mention the very real risk of accidentally sitting on one of them. I can imagine in some parts of the world you probably pay good money for a teste up the ringer but I wouldn't be all that keen to find out why, even if it were my own.

So it will never catch on like having fake milkers. We fellas just don’t care about our assets that much that we’d have them enlarged. Clearly it’s not high on the wish list of you sheilas either because if it was we’d all be doing it, especially if we thought it would result in us getting some. Like watching Greys Anatomy with you – we don’t do it by choice you know.

I was watching a show on the box the other night on cosmetic surgery and some bird who rated herself as all that and a bag of chips was having the fat hack sawed off her thighs in an attempt to appear more attractive. It didn’t help that she had a face for radio I thought or the personality of a soggy malt biscuit, but clearly to her it was her fatty thighs holding her back. I can never get over just how brutal and primitive cosmetic surgery is, especially the liposuction. I’m surprised the doctors don’t just cut to the chase and angle grind the fat off.

I’m not a fan of surgically altering what you’ve got – unless you’re a Mongol and surgery is the only option of having less folk heckle you, then that’s fair enough I suppose. But for pure vanity is it really worth it? Botox for instance, in its purest form is one of the most poisonous naturally occurring substances in the world and even though the stuff they inject into the eyebrows is watered down, that’s still a hell of a lot of faith to put in some geezer who calls you ‘darhling’.

Some guys are even having it injected in their scrotes in order to decrease the wrinkles apparently?! What the fuck? It’s meant to be wrinkly fellas, if you want smooth then get a fagina I say. Hell I don’t even let the wife near her retired wedding present if she hasn’t trimmed her nails and yet these guys are willingly waving needles around the man purse? It’s just not right. It’s all fun and games alright until someone ends up in the emergency room with a coke bottle up the arse with the excuse “I slipped on it whilst in the shower”.

And bleaching the anus – that’s when you know that this shit (no pun intended) has gone too far. Who came up with the idea I wonder and what were they doing in order to have this epiphany? Sure, there’s nothing I like better than giving myself a good ‘ol cheeks apart brown eye in the mirror each morning either, but I’m quite happy to let toilet paper do its thing or in the are case of a truly melted Picnic bar, a baby wipe. But bleaching the damn thing? I think I’d prefer deep heat and the broomstick to be perfectly honest.

No, cosmetic surgery is definitely whack in my book. But actually working your body to become a better you – now that I’m all for and not only will they become fitter and physically stronger, but the self esteem that these people so often lack will often appear too I reckon.

There’s no quick fix with exercise though, like everything worth doing you have to keep at it and stay motivated and to do so has to come from within yourself and if you’re lucky enough to have them, from a supportive network of friends, family and colleagues. Why spend your hard earned money having some sadistic bugger plane the fat from your thighs or paint your date with bleach in order to impress people who don’t really care anyway?

Because life’s too short I reckon to have botulism injected in your eyebrows or your sack, or your man berries enlarged to the size of kiwifruit. Work with what you’ve got and enjoy it. Your body is a wonderland and even if you don’t think so, someone is longing to take that ride.

Yes, even if you have a brown anus.