Local Body Erections?

It’s local body election time in J Town. That time of year where some of the saddest campaign hoarding's ever pop up, only to be pulled down just as quickly by some of the saddest individuals ever.

As amusing as it is to see them all torn down every morning, it’s not so cool to see the old folk volunteers who turn up later in the day to erect them again. There are certainly no frills when you start at the bottom step of local body politics, especially not when Grandad has to re-erect your woody for you each morning. And Bill Gates has a lot to answer for. One of his most heinous crimes is rolling out a software package that makes anybody think that they’re a half decent desk top publisher. My eight year old son could do a better job at putting a poster together compared to some of the efforts on show this election.

How effective are campaign hoardings anyway? I mean really. Has anybody in the history of the world ever decided to vote for some cooze on the basis of their picture having been stapled to a fence? I doubt it. But some folk really get into it, a couple of peeps in J Town are driving around with bumper stickers that read ‘Bring Back Jack’. Who the fuck is Jack and what ever happened to bumper sticks that actually meant something like “My Other Ride Is Your Mum” or “Fancy A Bum - You Might Like It”?

They all look so depressing, that’s the problem. I got the candidate info pamphlet in the mail the other day. I tried to read it because you know me, I like to make informed decisions but I think I‘ve had more fun watching my cat defecate in the neighbours garden. But then that’s what you get when you have 57 Christian Scout Master Rotarian's all preaching the same thing. Sure, there were a few hippies chucked in for good measure and possibly one ethnic minority but it’s not much of a selection is it? No wonder we New Zealanders don’t get into politics half as much as we should.

Here’s a good reason why we should though. Some Maori bird up North has taken a national treasure claim to the Treaty of Waitangi Tribunal. Her idea of a national treasure? Her husband of one year, a Tongan over stayer who is being deported because a) he overstayed and b) he’s been convicted of assault on – wait for it - his wife. What a lovely couple aye? She hopes by having him classified as a treasure, the Government will not be able to legally deport him. Now instead of kicking the claim to the kerb like any self respecting Government department should, the Tribunal is allowing it to be heard! So you and I, the taxpayer, will be funding the several days it takes for this genuine grievance claim of the indigenous people of this land to be heard.

Is it any wonder then that in this country we have people with the mentality to hold up banks with a screwdriver, because our politicians put more effort and money into being politically correct, than being accountable and proactive towards the health, education and criminal justice systems of this country? And it all starts with us not paying enough attention when it comes to voting in the guy who decides whether its two or three ply that will be on the roll in the local library’s shitter.

A screwdriver. To hold up a bank no less. I mean come on - guns for show knives for a pro it might be, but a screwdriver?! What's the guy going to do if you don't give him the money? Unscrew the legs from your desk? Open a tin of paint for you? Geez, it doesn't get much more hardcore than that.

So I really should take more notice of our local body candidates, for like it or not, they’ll eventually move up the ladder to national politics and if they reach that stage, it’s too late to vote the buggers out.

My decision then will be based on the simplest of criteria. I’m going to vote for the candidate with the best nungas. A decision made easier when 90 percent of the candidates have moobs. Now that would make for interesting campaign hoardings – topless candidates. The men aren’t going to fair so well but I’m betting the women won’t have their hoardings torn down every night. Unless they’re well stacked and then all the perverts will pinch them. The really shy ones won't take the hoardings though, they will just park up alongside them several times a day and have a jimmy in the car.

It’s a strategy that worked well last time round for one of our incumbent councillors who just happens to be a reasonably attractive young lady who has just the slightest hint of closet naughtiness about her. Or is it that just my imagination? I’m sure ever picture I saw of her last election was of her in a tighty whitey and thus at least half of the eligible voters in the ward, all the males, voted for her main policy points. There were two of them.

So there you go. All the scientific proof you need to show that even if sex doesn't win you a local body election, it certainly makes it a hell of a lot more interesting.