The Lost Art Of The Secret Santa

I’ve said this once but I’ll say it again: the art of the Secret Santa gift giving in the office is not what it was.

Once upon a time colleagues took the time to find out two things about the co-worker they were buying for; either what they were interested in or what would embarrass them the most. Thus the point of Secret Santa philosophy was fulfilled, it bought work mates closer together.

Now shit has just got silly. No one gives anything as thoughtful as a book of hand drawn sketches of rifles to a gun enthusiast or as amusing as a tube of KY to the 40 year old virgin anymore. Even the mandatory pack of nudie playing cards (guys for the guys, girls for buyer) has dried up quicker than Grandma.

It started when people started giving stress balls and those ridiculous plastic reindeer that shat chocolate covered raisins if you pushed down on their hind legs. A gift that serves no purpose whatsoever because even when you know what they are, who on earth is going to eat reindeer shit?

Personally I blame the advent of The Two Dollar shop and other such emporiums of tat that act as a Mecca for those that just can’t be arsed. A minute, plastic pool table for the desk is neither practical nor functional so why even contemplate buying the fucken thing? Besides if I’m that bored at work a second hand stick mag in the mens will do the trick and it’s well under the $5 limit.

For the completely unimaginative Secret Santa means buying a box of crappy wafer sticks from the Warehouse, or a bag of lollies. For the completely disorganised it’s something pinched from the stationary cupboard or the stapler from Stu’s desk.

What is amazingly to me though is that despite the frugality of the economy these days, no one has yet started giving blocks of cheese, two litre bottles of milk or preserving jars full of petrol. Secret Santa is just not that practical I guess.

Thank fully I am blessed with thoughtful team mates, or at least two of them, for my last two gifts have been AWESOME and have been clearly purchased by someone who has done their homework, realising that I am both a ninja and proficient in handling the AK47:

Not that I would ever use a firearm whilst slicing and dicing my way through a garrison of very bad men because as we all know, swords don’t run out of bullets.

Mind you my last two efforts have been pretty good even if I do say so; a six pack of dirty Rheineck and a good night in for Ron Jeremy last year and this year? A mega can of horse piss aka Red Bull for Candylane because she loves the stuff. Actually I could’ve taken a warm steamy one in a bottle and saved the $5 really for all the taste or nutritional content that rubbish has in it. Next year maybe.

So it might be too late to not give that crappy chocolate cacking reindeer now but give it some thought next year aye?

Spit is Cheaper..

Direct from our ‘What the fuck for?’ file comes the new KY Yours + Mine concept, yet another product from a company that is taking the piss out of its consumers by flogging off two of the same thing under the guise that a) they’re both uniquely different, but b) when put together they make a magical third substance.

Lynx tried the same thing a year or so ago when they tried to tell us that by combining the leftover fly spray and oven cleaner they had lying around, you made a mystical musk that would have all the girls in the general vicinity dropping their daks for you. Needless to say that concept left us suitably unimpressed too.

The blurb for this new lube says it all really:

“Whether you have a flame that needs rekindling or you´re looking to take your relationship to the next level, we´ve got the perfect adventure for you both.

It´s simple. You apply the product to each other. The blue goes on him for an invigorating sensation. The purple goes on her for a thrilling sensation. And when combined, there´s an amazing reaction.”

Now if you’re anything like me then you too have just rendered the chair you’re sitting in unusable for half an hour after reading that, or at least till the wet patch dries.

I am no relationship expert but I reckon if you have a ‘flame that needs rekindling’ then whipping out a tube of KY on her one night is probably not the best start. Your missus, she of the frigid fanny, is going to see that as a sign that you want to take her up the chuff and I doubt very much whether or not she’s going to share KYs view that that is ‘the perfect adventure for you both’.

And what is taking your relationship to the next level anyway? Is that an euphemism for anal? And as for making sensations I am pretty sure that anytime I’ve lathered something wet on my willie I’ve had an invigorating time, so tell us something we don’t know.

The one thing that is clear with Yours + Mine is that it is a product for heterosexual couples only. Gays need not bother buying this because you just haven’t got the bits between you to fully utilise the epic encounter slathering on this lube will bring you, so you will have to stick with saliva. Heaven knows what will happen if two lezzers apply the blue tubed lube to themselves, perhaps they’ll grow a penis?

The KY website is quite the amusing exercise in just how much rubbish a company will come up with in order to sell you what you could otherwise get for free from any of those partially used lotions you have on your dresser or in the bathroom.

My personal fave was taking the ‘KY Intense’ tour just so I could see what effect a drop of the stuff has on sexy things like a CD player, picture of the Eiffel tower, or a pair of bunny slippers. Rather disappointingly there isn’t a fanny in sight.

KY really is having a laugh with Yours + Mine and pretty much their entire range. Lube is lube, no matter what you call it or how fancy you make the tube. There are only two practical uses for KY and that is 1) taking it up the chuff and 2) giving it as a Secret Santa gift which is extremely funny, especially if you take a moment to squeeze half of it out, rough up the tube a little and stick a few pubes under the lid before wrapping it...

Now that will create an amazing reaction, every time.

Of course it has to look like it will slip easily up the bum too doesn't it?