Dan, The 'Showbiz Editor'.

It’s funny how you remember some people.

You might have seen / heard the kerfuffle around the News of the World crashing and burning this week after it’s come to light they hacked a whole bunch of cell phones in the UK including that of a murdered girl. The fuckers.

So sensing a shit storm, Rupert Murdoch shut the whole paper down. It was a spectacular move and a spectacular story, even here in NZ and naturally our media did what they always do when something actually newsworthy i.e. Not the Harry Potter movie premiere, happens. They try to find ‘the NZ angle’.

And this one was easy because the News of the World has a NZ staff member, Dan. We’ll call him Dan because that’s his name. Not his full name you might have noticed but as he strikes me as the kind of cat to Google himself, regularly, I won’t use his last name.

He’s the papers’ Showbiz Editor. No really, there is actually such a position. It’s an oxymoron really because ‘showbiz’ is not really news; it’s scripted, planned and marketed. In fact it’s about as un-newsworthy as it gets so it’s a bit of a fucken stretch I think to describe the guy as a ‘journalist’ like all our media are.

Incidentally I always wanted to be a journalist but two things stopped me really a) that the prospect of four years study when I’d only just flunked college was not appealing and b) I thought I knew it all anyway. Still do.

My dearly departed Grandad was forever offering to pay for me too. He also regularly dropped the knowledge on me that I should learn Japanese and get into the tourism biz. Coming from a man who fought the buggers for 3 long years and still trusted none of them 50 years on, it was an admission of sorts that the bastards had won out, eventually.

Anyhoo. Dan was on the telly too, with his faux English accent that started out all hoighty toighty but quickly denigrated into colloquial Kiwi the madder he got at having just been left without a job. Given that he’s only been in the UK for about five years I thought it was the height of wankiness that he tried the accent on in the first place.

See, I’ve known of Dan for quite a while. He used to write a daily piece in the Dominion that was one of those ones that you just know he must’ve sucked some cock to get the column space because it contained no journalistic merit at all.

His crowning glory came the day he decided to poke fun at the masses who wore sneakers with their work clothes when hiking up Featherston Street from the train station. He thought he was being insightful and witty, everyone else just thought he was being a douche. Needless to say the complaints poured in.

I remember it so well because it was one of those times in my life I read his rubbish and regret that I had never taken Grandad up on his offer on the journalism. How Dan went from criticising peoples comfort to ‘Showbiz Editor’ I don’t know but again, I suspect it involves a lot of penis.

Oh and don’t feel too sorry for Dan, he reckons he’ll find a new job real easy because he’s on “a lot of TV and radio” and he’s “one of the most recognised faces in the showbiz industry”. His words not mine. See what I mean about him being a big self Googler?

Yes it’s funny how you remember some people.

Sienna had her cell phone hacked.

Sheila of the Week

Whether this appreciation piece is about a fictional character or the sexy minx who plays her in a movie, we're not entirely sure. But of one thing we are sure; Sienna Miller was born to play a character like The Baroness in the recently released G.I.Joe movie.

Some of the ClubDes Massive made a boys afternoon of it last week and rewound the years back to our childhoods when G.I.Joe was the biggest thing in toys since Star Wars. It's fair to say that back in them days the makers of G.I.Joe (Hasbro) made a token effort in representing the fairer sex with only a few figures; Baroness, Scarlett, Lady Jaye, Jinx and Zarana. Back then female equality in the military hadn't yet occurred and playing with something in your pocket that was three and a half inches big was most definitely a boy’s thing.

But times have changed, there are now females on the frontline of almost every world conflict and we fellas have grown up, at least physically. Our interest in the female figure has changed so much that these days we'd be more likely to arrange our Joes - particularly the few female ones - in an orgy than a flanking ambush. They are fully poseable after all. I don't mind you; mine always have their mind on the job.

So it’s fair to say we looked upon the Baroness and Scarlett in a different light last week than that of my ten year old son who accompanied us. Infact watching them portrayed on the big screen was a bit like bumping into your mates annoying little sister who is now all grown up and as sexy as sin. Quite how a push up bra is standard military issue I don't know but it seemed to work for both the Baroness and Scarlett.

Certainly Bruiser had a three inch in his pocket after the movie despite not actually taking any figures with him, thanks to Rachel Nichols' portrayal of Scarlett, but then he always did have a thing for redheads. Even Cover Girl made an appearance, albeit far too briefly for we the older generation. She is the character who got bored with modelling (hence the Cover Girl codename) and took up counter terrorism, as you do. Cheesy bio but hey, who knows, she could be the perfect role model for the current generation of photocopy wannabes!

But it was the Baroness, or rather Sienna that stole the show. The Baroness was always my favourite SheJoe anyways; sleek and sexy in all black leather, ruthless, she never took any shit from no one. She was every teacher-librarian-authority figure fantasy rolled into one, with Uzis. Even today she is a role model for young women everywhere (less the Uzis) and is a cult favourite going by the number of Google images you can find of fans dressed as her.

Sienna Miller is an interesting sheila herself, although probably not a role model for many given her recent husband stealing ways. She started out as a model and on film, particularly this one, she is electric. She had to undergo a slight appearance change in order to take on the role, what with her being a blonde in real life but as often is the case, good looking blondes make striking brunettes.

Unfortunately despite her many talents she is perhaps best known (before G.I.Joe) as Jude Laws’ ex missus, who he rather infamously cheated on with the couple’s nanny. Now how the hell you choose the hired help over someone like Miller is beyond us and we’re damn sure that we never would.

Especially if she keeps the Baroness outfits from the movie....