The Devil's Semen

It’s not that I’m an angry man – I can be when provoked – but I can’t help but think sometimes that life is just one big joke that I’m not in on.

Like when you rock on up to the servo and the pumps don’t work. Whilst leaving RotoAnus a few weeks ago I spent several minutes manoeuvring the passion wagon between two pumps that simply wouldn’t pump, only for Rangi (his real name) to tell me, when he finally noticed the angry pakeha, that “Sorry Bro, forgot to turn those ones on this morning”. When I finally got the devils semen pumped I found I couldn’t even pay for the stuff, because Rangi’s mate inside couldn’t “take cash on this till, only Eftpos”.

Can’t take cash?! It’s legal fucken tender, you can't not but take it! Clearly I should’ve offered him some blankets, some beads and some glue for his children because that day, cold hard cash just wasn’t going to cut it at BP RotoAnus. Rangi finally fixed me up, on the other till, but I came close to pulling a drive off that morning, I kid you not.

But this is not an isolated incident because almost every week I struggle to find a pump at Shell J-Town that will actually work when you put it on that little clip thing that was made – and I’m guessing here – so that you could leave it pumping, hands free. Now that would be handy, was it to ever work. Sometimes the fuckers even stop when you’re manually holding the bloody thing down so there’s absolutely no pattern to it other than to piss me off.

The guy behind the counter the one time I mentioned it was a great help, he reminded me that I had to pull the lever for it to work which was brilliant advice because up till then I had had it up my arsehole. My bad. But clearly our money is no longer any good to them. First they take away the forecourt attendants who used to pump your gas for you and now they take away the ability for you to actually pump your own gas. The final step will be that the pumps actually takes away your gas by siphoning out what little of it you have left in the tank without you knowing.

How can you spot the ex porn star at the servo? He’s the one who pulls the pump out before it’s finished and sprays it all over your boot.