John Campbell Blows. Himself.

If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like to see a guy give himself a blowie – and let’s be honest, who hasn’t – then tune into TV3 at 7pm each week night. John Campbell might not physically be able to pull it off, but he always has that look of someone who just did.

If I was to be honest, I’d have to admit that I usually don’t mind John. I’m not likely to put a photo of him on my ceiling above the bed anytime soon, but I can handle him in small doses. John is the kind of guy that uses pigeon Maori a lot so as to appear a genuine Kiwi bloke. The thing is John, genuine Kiwi blokes, like myself, don’t actually use any pigeon Maori unless we’re mocking that one dimensional character on Bro Town, but there you go.

John doesn’t wear a tie with his suit so as to appear casually relaxed, but at the same time, seriously anally uptight over the news of the day. John pushes the boundry of decency by sometimes saying some soft core profanity like ‘bugger’ and ‘bastard’, and gets away with it because he’s always smiling when he does. John’s the kind of guy you would hear shorten names like ‘Noel Leemings’ to ‘Noels’ because he thinks it makes him sound more Kiwi, when in fact it makes him sound like a twat, as does anyone who shortens the name of an appliance store.

But John is a hard core reporter who lives life on the edge. This week he had one of the scrotes that pulled the Waiouru museum robbery appear incognito on his show. That’s right, New Zealand’s most wanted man, who to date has evaded capture, sitting casually in a studio with the tie less John Campbell. The perp was so well disguised with his hoodie on, face blurred out and voice changed that it could almost have been anybody. It’s almost unbelievable, but it had to be true because John had his serious frown on and never once did he turn it upside down.

Needless to say the Cops were interested to speak with John the next day and so they did, turning up at the TV3 studios with a warrant. John probably welcomed them with a ‘Kia Ora’ and called them all ‘maaate’. This of course made the lead story of TV3 News and not unsurprisingly the lead story on John’s program too. It was right at that moment, that I realised the only way John could have been giving himself a bigger gob job was if he had had a couple of ribs removed so that he could fully deep throat his bad self.

For a start, there is no two sided story to be told here. The pussies that robbed the museum did so for personal gain and desecrated the memory of men with vastly bigger testes than they. Men who fought in World Wars won those medals whilst doing their duty so that these pricks could have the freedom they clearly don’t seem to enjoy having today. That, in my opinion, makes those that took the medals public enemy number one and no one with an ounce of national pride would hesitate in calling the bastards in were they to come face to face with them.

But then that says a lot about Harae Mai John I guess. Him and his station are now hiding behind journalistic principals and stoutly promising not to reveal their sources, which I could understand if they had just prevented a huge injustice from happening, but they haven’t. What they’ve done is man milked a gutless crime for as much airtime as they could and poor old John has the lockjaw to prove it.

Reporters, or rather the guys who sit at the desk with someone else’s hand up their rectum and read an autocue should stick to reading the news, not trying to make it. And what about the lawyer who we’re supposed to believe is a hero because he got the medals back? Apparently he did the same to some rare paintings that were nicked a few years back too. I reckon that makes him either extremely resourceful to be in the right place at the right time - not once but twice - or a decidedly jammy bastard who shouldn’t be trusted. He is a lawyer after all.

Personally I hope the boys in blue put all the pricks in jail for obstructing justice and then we can have a new public health poster that reads something like “This is your anus before journalistic integrity” and “This is your anus after you go to jail for journalistic integrity”.

Kiaora John, you tit.