The little girl who sang at the opening ceremony was fake. The fireworks at the opening ceremony were fake. I think the whole freakin Olympics are fake. I don't think they're being held in China at all. I reckon it'll turn out to be like an episode of Lost and all the world's athletes have been kept on some island with giant panda bears whilst the fake Olympics took place. But then there’s no real surprise in that, China is fugazi central, they even make fake components to be used in fake appliances. When that blows up in your face you can buy fake medication to treat your not so fake injuries. No stone is left un-turned when it comes to faking it in China.
It can have its advantages though. I'm reminded of this one time, back in 'Nam, that DG Macca, Lancelot, Big Al and I were on covert sneak peak insertion near the Cambodian border and we stumbled across a platoon of Chinese crack troops all locked and loaded. They hadn't expected to see any G.I that close to the border and were actually all tucking into some flied lice and Cream of Sum Yung Gui when we came across them. Needless to say shit got real serious real fast, but luckily for us their AK-47s were fake.
Not everything that comes out of China is fake. Many of the world’s biggest labels, such as the adidas hoodie I'm wearing as I write this, are made in China. The irony is that a lot of the fake copies of the worlds biggest labels come from China too. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be that the guys who produced the real stuff also had a hand in making the fugazi's too because there's a lot of money to be made in both that's for sure. Although quite what the Chinese will spend it all on is open for interpretation. Better haircuts? I don't think so.
Still, if any of our athletes at the fake Olympic Games need an emergency replacement pair of sneakers they can pop next door to the factory of ten year olds making them and help themselves.
Communist bum chums Russia seemed determined not to let their rent boy China have all the attention this month though. They decided to up and invade Georgia which is one of those little break away countries that you'd never know about unless they were invaded or were home to the world's most prolific serial killer. Unfortunately for the poor Georgians it appears as though the Russian AK47s are very real and they're getting a right fisting.
Team America has taken notice though and put the Russians in their rightful place by telling them they've all been naughty little boys. In fact, as soon as Michael Phelps has won his eight gold medals they're sending him over to sort it all out in a classic Yanks vs The Reds confrontation, the likes of which the world hasn't seen since we taught that Chinese platoon how we like to party like it's 1969.
So that leaves only one unanswered question. If Michael Phelps has size 14 feet and his arm span is bigger than he is tall, how big do you reckon his chopper is?
Neither Russian nor fake, apparently, is brunette model Dasha Astafieva, rumoured to be the latest bit of totty for one Mr Hugh Hefner. He likes what he sees so much that he’s reportedly invited her to come be his fourth concubine, much to the shock of his three resident blonde hand maidens. They don’t want another girl in the house quite possibly any more than Astafieva wants to play with a couple of walnuts in a stocking every fourth night but hey, you do what you have to do to get by these days.
Just like these poor kids, who have to stand together for the entire month of August otherwise shit just won’t make sense…
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