Sometimes I look at my two cats and wish that they were big enough for me to mount and ride them, like He-Man did his. Just imagine getting around the place astride a giant cat. That'd be awesome.
Speaking of giant pussies, do you remember sitting and giggling through your first Sex Ed class back in intermediate or college? It all went so well until the moment they whipped out the visual aides and every guy sat there absolutely terrified from the moment the huge floating vagina appeared on the teachers flip chart board. Geez it was like something out of Star Trek wasn’t it? And if that wasn’t scary enough it was soon followed by a giant flaccid dickie which was so big it left most of us boys feeling deeply inadequate for several years after having seen it.
I thought of this the other day when I saw an ad for coloured tampons. WTF Ladies? Coloured tampons seem to me to be a tad unnecessary; I mean they're all going to come out the same colour aren't they, so what’s the point? Do you really want to be shoving something dyed bright orange up the ol’ sprinkler, because last time I heard coloured food dye was great for causing hyper activity in kids but shit all else and yet, here you are with a whole box of coloured goodness in your hand?!
Its all part of a disturbing trend I’ve noticed that is the making traditionally what was always unnoticeable – women’s sanitary items - highly ‘in your face can’t bloody ignore it’ noticeable. I wonder if its women who come up with these marketing ideas for other women or is it fellas? Is it some bizarre reverse psychology thing where chicks are trying to be liberated by giving other girlies the option of coloured over just plain white, or is it just guys having a laugh?
Like the three stack able boxes of the damn things on the window sill in our carzie. And just in case you haven’t noticed them, some genius has decided they look best when all brightly coloured in ‘funky retro patterns’. Now lets get one thing straight right now; the only time tampons come close to being mentioned in the same sentence as the word ‘funk’ is when somebody wants to refer to the smell an old used one that just won’t flush is making. And I’ve seen a lot of those.
Right up till the day I went flatting I had never really seen a tampon. I'm sure my sister must have had them but she was very discreet, unlike my first few female flatmates who seemed to take great delight in leaving theirs un-flushed most of the time. I did the same with my cables admittedly, so maybe it was their way of saying ‘thanks for that’.
See I lived a fairly sheltered life growing up and the only naked women I saw for a long time was my mother - she of the retro beaver - and my sister who, like all sisters do, started bathing alone from about the age of ten. I did wonder why for many a year until the memorable day she attempted the streak past my bedroom at bath time only to trip outside my door. That was the day I discovered, much to her embarrassment and to my surprise, that my little sister was little no more. She was my mothers daughter too, of that there could be no doubt, for she too had a huge minge-on. But I try not to think about it.
We had a couple of Martina Navratilova’s take us for Sex Ed too. Real vintage lezzos. Both were married but they were as camp as a row of tents and everyone knew it. Early on in the piece all the girls were taken away to a separate room for a 40 minute period whilst we were left to discuss the fertility merits of boxers vs. tightey whiteys with Ms Man. When the girls finally came back into the room there was a definite mood change in the air and whatever was said whilst they’re gone none of us fellas ever did find out, but we never scored so much as a sneaky feel off any the girls for a good six weeks.
Still, it could have been worse I suppose. I could’ve gone to an all boys school like DG Macca where they only got to see the one flip board diagram in their Sex Ed class and it wasnt the giant set of beef curtains either....
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