The Hamster Sells Out

I've always had a lot of time for Richard Hammond and not just because he's a small man who likes wearing pink shirts.

Here's a guy who has possibly one of the coolest jobs on the planet; test driving some of the coolest cars on the planet. Here's a guy who not only totalled a rocket powered car but lived to tell the tale, proving that he might very well be the smallest of the three Top Gear presenters, but he has the biggest ticker. Here's a guy who during severe flooding in 2007, left his Porsche 911 - in which he had been stuck in traffic for 13 hours - to run home for his daughter's birthday. He ran 16 miles (26 km) in two-and-a-half hours (from 3am to 5:30 am), arriving home before his daughter woke up.

And here's a guy who despite owning several muscle cars and the aforementioned Porsche, prefers to cycle his way around cities. Yet despite all this awesomeness, is now appearing in the latest Telescum ad flogging off their new network as if it somehow compares to test driving all the very cool things he's actually test driven.

Now I relaise that overseas celebrities make a bit on the side by advertising products that they wouldn't usually promote in their home country, but surely at some point a fella as awesome as The Hamster has to put his hands up and say 'I ain't promoting this, it's shit'. It is after all just a phone network. Getting into a jet powered dragster capable of achieving 370kmp is exciting, a cellphone, no matter how much streaming porn you can watch on it, is not.

He's wearing overalls and everything too, making it look like he's actually going to 'test drive' something that could potentially explode into flames at any second. A cellphone won't do that, not even at a petrol station, despite what the petrol companies will have you believe. It simply doesn't emit enough of an electrical signal to cause a spark. Static electricity does however and getting in and out of your car while you fill up is more likely to cause the sucker to explode. Remember that the next time you scratch your nuts in your parachute pants whilst at the servo.

So what if Telescums XT network is super fast? That's not much of a brag coming from a company who's broadband service is one of the slowest in the developed world. They're also waxing on about how XT will allow you to access the internet quicker and in more places than ever before, all on your mobile phone, which is just the best place to view anything isn't it, with its miniscule screen? How often do you find yourself alone with your mobile wishing you could surf the Net? Fuck all? I thought so.

I don't know about you but I pretty much get my internet fix in about 20 minutes at the PC. Sure its a big place this world wide intraweb but who regularly looks further afield than their favourites most of the time? There is only one thing that keeps your interest when you're bored silly on the Net and its tits and arse. Now there is a selling point for Telescum; 'XT will bring you T&A quicker than ever before'.

Imagine the geezer next to you on the bus watching porn on his new XT mobile. It'd probably be okay if its straight or even girl on girl, but if its that kinky cake fart stuff that DougalMac is into then its going to be just downright objectionable. I couldn't help but wonder something similar whilst driving behind an SUV the other night; they had TV screens in the back on which the kids were watching some cartoon. How distracting for others driving would it have been if it was an interacial gangbang? Imagine claiming that as the cause of your crash on the insurance claim.

The world doesn't need XT and its faster internet and we don't need cellphones that seem to be getting bigger not smaller. Whats the deal with that? I thought the endgame in mobile phones was a Zoolander phone? I had one once and all it caused me was grief. It was so small it didn't reach my ear and motuh at the same time so to speak I had to move it between the two. I never heard anything as I did anyway - the sound of people laughing at me drowned out everything else.

So despite The Hamsters endorsement I aint buying it and hopefully you won't either. This is why cassette tapes are making a comeback; life just gets too complicated real quick.

Not your finest hour Rich, not your finest hour.