Big Gay Ray Junior Arrives

Once our resident hard core gamer and now purveyor of the Legnum chop shop out the back, Big Gay Ray continues to live a lie and has gone and had himself another baby, a boy this time, brother to Paige and one step closer to being able to start up his own motorcycle gang, tentatively titled The Sons of Dad. I think it has a catchy ring to it, personally.

Oh and he’s only gone and named him after my own son. Coincidence? I think not. Clearly the man worships me. As I’ve already gone on record as saying, sadly I won’t be returning the favour; ‘Big' or ‘Gay’ probably won’t feature in the names of any kids we have in the future...

Mother and son are doing very well by all accounts which is great news and Rayway is up to Level 12 in Battlefield Bad Company 2, thanks to all the peace and quiet he’s getting at home. Mind you he needs the head start because as Nat gets her hands on that console its game over, literally.

So congratulations again to the BigGay clan. Elton John couldn’t manage the double life but then he did sing a song about ‘a little bit of a funny feeling inside’ didn’t he? He should’ve taken a sequin off Ray’s banana hammock and just helped out on the weekends when they’re busy.

But seriously, if there's one thing we love round these parts it's proof that yet another one of the massive hasn't had his plums fried by the usual cellphone / iPod / car alarm combo we all carry in our pockets.

And as always, we’re up for babysitting, just as soon as the protection order is lifted.

Dodgy Daddy Day Care Ltd.

Don't Text And Drive

Have you spotted anyone using their cellphone whilst driving yet?

Better yet, if you have did you dob the buggers in? I have and did so today and what made it even the more sweeter was that it was one of those a-typical pricks who think they are the authority on everything and therefore above the law; a middle aged balding dude in a desperately dated BMW. Tosser.

Apparently the first few days have been reasonably offence free which is a good thing, but lets be honest, it won't be long before old habits return and the cellphones in cars start a ringing. I've been waiting for mine to ring because my lovely wife has a habit of texting me when she knows I'm driving and then ringing two minutes later to see why it is exactly I haven't replied to her text.

Sadly, it will be around this point that the Five-O will start getting bad press for ticketing cellphone user drivers and undoubtedly, one of the best laws passed in ages will become, in the eyes of the lawbreakers only, a money making exercise. Middle aged balding dudes in desperate dated European cars will be the most vociferous of the lawbreakers, making outlandish statements when faced with a ticket and demerit like "Why don't you jokers go and catch some real criminals and stop wasting my time".

Of course the irony of the situation will be lost on the man who hasn't actually seen his own penis for some time...

The thing I like about this law is that it's proof that if we really want to, we can change things to protect ourselves. Despite what the knockers say, making it illegal to chat on the trouser phone whilst driving is a damn good thing and it's such a simple step to have taken you have to wonder why the fuck we didn't do it sooner.

Now we can start on the other stuff that puckers a few sphincters; like banning alcohol advertising that glorifies getting pissed - which is most of it. Have you ever noticed how advertising for alcohol made overseas is seldom about getting comatose like ours, but more about an attitude or way of life?

While we're at it we can reinstate the legal drinking age back to twenty, given now that most of seem to be prepared to admit lowering it was a mistake. That particular exercise was a bit like lighting your own fart wasn't it? Great in theory, but one scalded, blistered gooch later and suddenly it's not so cool.

Then we can start on shitty food advertising which is aimed at making our kids of today tomorrows Biggest Loser. Am I the only one who can't help but think that the rise in popularity of cooking shows (so much so that we even now have dedicated cooking channels) has helped influence not only waist lines, but an entire industry and series of TV shows around - wait for it - losing weight. It's a conspiracy I tell you.

And hey, if you haven't spotted anyone using their cellphone whilst driving yet then don't despair, there will be a middle aged, balding guy in a BMW just around the corner.

Two Phoned Mutha Ucka.

I’ve made a decision this week that I’m not proud of. I’ve crossed a line that I firmly drew in the sand and the emotional pain it’s causing me is almost causing me to feel the need to stab my wife 216 times. Almost, but not quite.

Have you checked out this guy Clayton Weatherston? I know everybody deserves their day in court but some geezers just don’t help themselves. The dude looks like a nut job and all he’s missing is the homespun to prove it.

And hey, I’m no criminal psychologist but I’ve read enough books on serial killers and all round nice guys to know that when you slice and dice someone 216 times then that shit is personal. As the saying goes it’s not manslaughter without the laughter and something tells me that this guy is a lizzer. Big time.

Anyhoo, I’ve taken to using the cell phone work gave me about a year ago which doesn’t quite put me in the same league as Weatherston but it does officially make me a two phone carrying mutha ucka. Oh the shame of it. Up till now I’d never even taken it out of the box because I have strict beliefs on this kind of thing.

Not as in the ‘oral is moral’ kind of beliefs but hey, that’s not one I don’t have too much of an issue with. No I’ve always believed there is a time for work and a time for life and as I’m not paid to work 24 / 7 I’ve never been prepared to be available 24 / 7 because switching the thing on is like waving an attractive girl in front of a psycho Economics lecturer.

Listing your cell phone number somewhere at work or on your business card is like writing your home number and something fruity on the toilet wall; you’re going to get calls and although some of them might just be phoning to ask if your anatomically correct artistic depiction is a scale drawing, some will inevitably want to talk shop.

Have you ever been with someone when they’ve gotten a work call out of hours? And how often has that person then had to say to the caller something along the lines of ‘I’m not actually in the office can I call you tomorrow…’? Often I bet and I’ve always wondered a) If you can’t help the caller why even be available to take the call and b) what kind of sad bugger makes business calls when no one is actually at their place of business?

And it’s for that very reason I have never used the work phone, never listed the number anywhere or made myself remotely available after hours. But why do so many feel the need to be on call even when we’re not? How many of us have life changing jobs where life and death decisions often need to be made out of hours?

Oh and there is the small matter of the provider being Telescum and don’t even get me started on them buggers.

However last week I did some work away from the office and regretfully I had to give out my personal mobile number to those that I did actually need to talk to. Needless to say I felt as comfortable dishing out my personal number to work colleagues as I did the time we went on patrol near the Cambodian border back in ’68 after all having the shits the day before.

If there is one thing Charlie can smell in the jungle its fear, particularly if it’s running behind your knee thanks to the Number 5 you ordered off the menu and ironically we spent the whole six hours crapping ourselves thinking that at any moment Charlie would get a whiff of us crapping ourselves.

Cellphones would have been a definite no no in the bush, even if you had the thing on vibrate because it would have rattled against something else and that would have made noise and if there’s one thing Charlie can hear in the jungle its noise. We were so careful with noise control that if you took a swig from your canteen you deep throated the whole damn lot because a half full vessel makes noise as you move. Ten minutes later we’d fill it again with urine, preferably your own, because an empty canteen when bumped makes noise.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and that’s why I’ve started using my work phone. Now I carry one in each pocket and it looks like I'm playing pocket billards the whole damn time. So call me sometime, even if it’s just to tell me you like the drawing I left in the first cubicle of the men’s.

And yes, it is to scale.

The Hamster Sells Out

I've always had a lot of time for Richard Hammond and not just because he's a small man who likes wearing pink shirts.

Here's a guy who has possibly one of the coolest jobs on the planet; test driving some of the coolest cars on the planet. Here's a guy who not only totalled a rocket powered car but lived to tell the tale, proving that he might very well be the smallest of the three Top Gear presenters, but he has the biggest ticker. Here's a guy who during severe flooding in 2007, left his Porsche 911 - in which he had been stuck in traffic for 13 hours - to run home for his daughter's birthday. He ran 16 miles (26 km) in two-and-a-half hours (from 3am to 5:30 am), arriving home before his daughter woke up.

And here's a guy who despite owning several muscle cars and the aforementioned Porsche, prefers to cycle his way around cities. Yet despite all this awesomeness, is now appearing in the latest Telescum ad flogging off their new network as if it somehow compares to test driving all the very cool things he's actually test driven.

Now I relaise that overseas celebrities make a bit on the side by advertising products that they wouldn't usually promote in their home country, but surely at some point a fella as awesome as The Hamster has to put his hands up and say 'I ain't promoting this, it's shit'. It is after all just a phone network. Getting into a jet powered dragster capable of achieving 370kmp is exciting, a cellphone, no matter how much streaming porn you can watch on it, is not.

He's wearing overalls and everything too, making it look like he's actually going to 'test drive' something that could potentially explode into flames at any second. A cellphone won't do that, not even at a petrol station, despite what the petrol companies will have you believe. It simply doesn't emit enough of an electrical signal to cause a spark. Static electricity does however and getting in and out of your car while you fill up is more likely to cause the sucker to explode. Remember that the next time you scratch your nuts in your parachute pants whilst at the servo.

So what if Telescums XT network is super fast? That's not much of a brag coming from a company who's broadband service is one of the slowest in the developed world. They're also waxing on about how XT will allow you to access the internet quicker and in more places than ever before, all on your mobile phone, which is just the best place to view anything isn't it, with its miniscule screen? How often do you find yourself alone with your mobile wishing you could surf the Net? Fuck all? I thought so.

I don't know about you but I pretty much get my internet fix in about 20 minutes at the PC. Sure its a big place this world wide intraweb but who regularly looks further afield than their favourites most of the time? There is only one thing that keeps your interest when you're bored silly on the Net and its tits and arse. Now there is a selling point for Telescum; 'XT will bring you T&A quicker than ever before'.

Imagine the geezer next to you on the bus watching porn on his new XT mobile. It'd probably be okay if its straight or even girl on girl, but if its that kinky cake fart stuff that DougalMac is into then its going to be just downright objectionable. I couldn't help but wonder something similar whilst driving behind an SUV the other night; they had TV screens in the back on which the kids were watching some cartoon. How distracting for others driving would it have been if it was an interacial gangbang? Imagine claiming that as the cause of your crash on the insurance claim.

The world doesn't need XT and its faster internet and we don't need cellphones that seem to be getting bigger not smaller. Whats the deal with that? I thought the endgame in mobile phones was a Zoolander phone? I had one once and all it caused me was grief. It was so small it didn't reach my ear and motuh at the same time so to speak I had to move it between the two. I never heard anything as I did anyway - the sound of people laughing at me drowned out everything else.

So despite The Hamsters endorsement I aint buying it and hopefully you won't either. This is why cassette tapes are making a comeback; life just gets too complicated real quick.

Not your finest hour Rich, not your finest hour.