Don't Text And Drive

Have you spotted anyone using their cellphone whilst driving yet?

Better yet, if you have did you dob the buggers in? I have and did so today and what made it even the more sweeter was that it was one of those a-typical pricks who think they are the authority on everything and therefore above the law; a middle aged balding dude in a desperately dated BMW. Tosser.

Apparently the first few days have been reasonably offence free which is a good thing, but lets be honest, it won't be long before old habits return and the cellphones in cars start a ringing. I've been waiting for mine to ring because my lovely wife has a habit of texting me when she knows I'm driving and then ringing two minutes later to see why it is exactly I haven't replied to her text.

Sadly, it will be around this point that the Five-O will start getting bad press for ticketing cellphone user drivers and undoubtedly, one of the best laws passed in ages will become, in the eyes of the lawbreakers only, a money making exercise. Middle aged balding dudes in desperate dated European cars will be the most vociferous of the lawbreakers, making outlandish statements when faced with a ticket and demerit like "Why don't you jokers go and catch some real criminals and stop wasting my time".

Of course the irony of the situation will be lost on the man who hasn't actually seen his own penis for some time...

The thing I like about this law is that it's proof that if we really want to, we can change things to protect ourselves. Despite what the knockers say, making it illegal to chat on the trouser phone whilst driving is a damn good thing and it's such a simple step to have taken you have to wonder why the fuck we didn't do it sooner.

Now we can start on the other stuff that puckers a few sphincters; like banning alcohol advertising that glorifies getting pissed - which is most of it. Have you ever noticed how advertising for alcohol made overseas is seldom about getting comatose like ours, but more about an attitude or way of life?

While we're at it we can reinstate the legal drinking age back to twenty, given now that most of seem to be prepared to admit lowering it was a mistake. That particular exercise was a bit like lighting your own fart wasn't it? Great in theory, but one scalded, blistered gooch later and suddenly it's not so cool.

Then we can start on shitty food advertising which is aimed at making our kids of today tomorrows Biggest Loser. Am I the only one who can't help but think that the rise in popularity of cooking shows (so much so that we even now have dedicated cooking channels) has helped influence not only waist lines, but an entire industry and series of TV shows around - wait for it - losing weight. It's a conspiracy I tell you.

And hey, if you haven't spotted anyone using their cellphone whilst driving yet then don't despair, there will be a middle aged, balding guy in a BMW just around the corner.

Too Cool For School

I see the radio station The Edge are planning to create another bit of ground breaking entertainment; they're looking for a couple willing to get married in the nude. Choice. I have just the one question: What the fuck for?

The question is of course somewhat rhetorical because I am sure we all know why they're doing it - publicity, money, sexploitation - the usual suspects, but it's shit. They know it and we know it. It's not even funny shit, it's 'drop the kids off at the pool' shit. And here's another poser from the school of rhetoric: Who's going to sign up for it? Wasters, that’s who, we all know there’s one born every minute silly enough to bare their soul (or in this case their junk) for a ridiculously small amount of fame and even smaller amount of money.

Actually this prize is pretty big. The Edge reckon the value of will be around fifty grand, which, let's face it, is a great piss up in any one's book. The service and reception are going to be held on some yacht in the Bay of Islands which will be very romantic, no doubt. But will it be all worth while in 10 years when the happy couple look back at their wedding pics they can't share with anyone because of the shrinkage one gets anywhere near the water and wonder if it really was a good move whoring themselves out on their big day?

It's like the old saying “you don't get anything for free”. But you know who does get shit for free? Car yards and alike who service your car and plaster the thing with their stickers and their plate surrounds. It's so discreet you probably don't even notice; a window sticker here, a bumper sticker there and to top it off a complimentary key ring. Before you know it your passion wagon is a rolling advertisement for the pricks and not only have they not paid you a cent in commission, they've charged you!

Some places do it as a loyalty discount thing; they sticker the car and next time you come in with it on you get 10% off something that has a 100% mark up, brilliant. But others don't even offer that. My missus took her car into a specialist post sale service dealership for a service and they not only stickered the thing they swapped over the plate surrounds too.

When I queried it with them they were pleased to advise, in a smug bastard kind of way, that it was all part of the service. The fuck it was. Now it didn't say so on the bill (surprise, surprise) but I reckoned that it had to have taken at least 20 minutes for a 'technician' to take the old ones off and put new ones on, all of which we paid for. Were they going to give me a credit for the time and labour? Nope, so I wasted their time the next day when I dropped in and asked them to take the lot off.

Car yard dealerships think they're too cool for school, that’s the problem and of more concern is the growing numbers who think so too. Like poofs who think they're too cool to use pedestrian crossings and instead jay walk their sorry asses across a busy road a few meters off the designated crossing. The irony is that they will often spend longing waiting for a gap in the traffic than it would have taken them to use the crossing. But they don't care; they're too cool for school and too cool for crossings.

Then there are those that are too cool for road rules full stop. These are the kind of folk who like to back out into busy traffic thinking that everyone will wait for them, because they’re cool. Or those too cool for centre lines and on a section of road where parked cars mean someone has to cross ‘em they take the view that it’s first in first served as to who gives way, no matter how close it gets, because they’re too cool to give way. Giving way to them is like surrendering.

Maybe one day, just once, I'll ignore the little voice inside of me called 'social responsibility' and be too cool to stop. That’ll shit them right up.