Too Cool For School

I see the radio station The Edge are planning to create another bit of ground breaking entertainment; they're looking for a couple willing to get married in the nude. Choice. I have just the one question: What the fuck for?

The question is of course somewhat rhetorical because I am sure we all know why they're doing it - publicity, money, sexploitation - the usual suspects, but it's shit. They know it and we know it. It's not even funny shit, it's 'drop the kids off at the pool' shit. And here's another poser from the school of rhetoric: Who's going to sign up for it? Wasters, that’s who, we all know there’s one born every minute silly enough to bare their soul (or in this case their junk) for a ridiculously small amount of fame and even smaller amount of money.

Actually this prize is pretty big. The Edge reckon the value of will be around fifty grand, which, let's face it, is a great piss up in any one's book. The service and reception are going to be held on some yacht in the Bay of Islands which will be very romantic, no doubt. But will it be all worth while in 10 years when the happy couple look back at their wedding pics they can't share with anyone because of the shrinkage one gets anywhere near the water and wonder if it really was a good move whoring themselves out on their big day?

It's like the old saying “you don't get anything for free”. But you know who does get shit for free? Car yards and alike who service your car and plaster the thing with their stickers and their plate surrounds. It's so discreet you probably don't even notice; a window sticker here, a bumper sticker there and to top it off a complimentary key ring. Before you know it your passion wagon is a rolling advertisement for the pricks and not only have they not paid you a cent in commission, they've charged you!

Some places do it as a loyalty discount thing; they sticker the car and next time you come in with it on you get 10% off something that has a 100% mark up, brilliant. But others don't even offer that. My missus took her car into a specialist post sale service dealership for a service and they not only stickered the thing they swapped over the plate surrounds too.

When I queried it with them they were pleased to advise, in a smug bastard kind of way, that it was all part of the service. The fuck it was. Now it didn't say so on the bill (surprise, surprise) but I reckoned that it had to have taken at least 20 minutes for a 'technician' to take the old ones off and put new ones on, all of which we paid for. Were they going to give me a credit for the time and labour? Nope, so I wasted their time the next day when I dropped in and asked them to take the lot off.

Car yard dealerships think they're too cool for school, that’s the problem and of more concern is the growing numbers who think so too. Like poofs who think they're too cool to use pedestrian crossings and instead jay walk their sorry asses across a busy road a few meters off the designated crossing. The irony is that they will often spend longing waiting for a gap in the traffic than it would have taken them to use the crossing. But they don't care; they're too cool for school and too cool for crossings.

Then there are those that are too cool for road rules full stop. These are the kind of folk who like to back out into busy traffic thinking that everyone will wait for them, because they’re cool. Or those too cool for centre lines and on a section of road where parked cars mean someone has to cross ‘em they take the view that it’s first in first served as to who gives way, no matter how close it gets, because they’re too cool to give way. Giving way to them is like surrendering.

Maybe one day, just once, I'll ignore the little voice inside of me called 'social responsibility' and be too cool to stop. That’ll shit them right up.