Energy Drink or Horse Piss?

Target did another of their tell-us-something-we-don’t-already-know exposés last week on energy drinks. Not surprisingly the consensus at the end of it all was that they have about as much nutritional content as horse piss. No, really?

Of course nobody buys energy drinks for their nutritional content. People drink energy drinks to a) get enough energy to get them through their incredibly taxing lives and perhaps more importantly b) to look cool. But nobody looks cool drinking energy drinks, no matter how risqué they try and make the name of them, you don’t look cool.

Cocaine, Big Cock, Mother, Demon, Redline, Rockstar. They all sound so hip and edgy don’t they? I mean how else could you legally buy Cocaine in a can? Fuck yeah that’s cool and thankfully sounds nothing at all like horse piss, which you can’t help but think might impact sales if it were.

The main ingredient in most of these drinks is of course caffeine. Sure, some purport to have natural things like Guarana and Herpes Simplex Ten to give you the natural energy burst you crave, but the problem with that theory is that Guarana seeds have twice the amount of caffeine in them as coffee beans. So don't fool yourselves; it’s the tried and true mix of caffeine and copious spoonfuls of sugar that put the lead in your pencil not some magical mystical weed from Asia.

The popularity of energy drinks has been born from the ridiculous social theory that we simply must consume caffeine in copious amounts to get through life. As a result large multinational companies like Starbucks and Coca-Cola have had a licence to print money the last ten years on the back of our caffeine deprived, energy drink needing neurosis. Not that the poor coffee bean grower sees any of the billions that caffeine filled products generates.

I have never been a fan of energy drinks. My one and only encounter with one was the time I knocked back a red Bull only to find a couple of hours later that I had so much acne I could’ve got a job at McDonalds. Whether it was a one off reaction or something more serious who knows (or cares), I’ve never tried one since and perhaps of more surprise to those that do, I’ve managed to get through each and every day since without the need for a pick me up.

When did we decide that we needed energy drinks? Not when I was a kid that’s for sure. The only thing resembling an energy drink back then was Lucozade and back then it was like drinking aspirin because they hadn’t yet decided to add a cup of sugary syrup to flavour it like they do today. The only drink we had back in the day was cordial and my old man watered that sucker down so much that it was cordial by colour only. And it was never anything tasty like Raspberry or Orange Mango, no it was always lime. Watery, tastes like piss, looks like piss, could have been piss lime.

Our fathers - and theirs before them - never needed energy drinks and they arguably got through more work in a day than we ever do. And we’re talking manual labour work at that too, none of this sitting in front of a PC for 10 hours supping on a Big Cock to stay awake. The only drink they spent their hard earned money on were pints, at the end of the day, before coming home and thrashing our grandmothers before bed. Maybe beer was the original energy drink?

It could be said that tea is the original energy because hey everyone drinks tea. Everyone except my brother-in-law Bruiser, he doesn’t drink anything hot, not even Milo. Who doesn’t drink Milo?! He does like the odd bottle of V or three though. I must confess I do drink a lot of tea and always have and the stronger the better. These days there’s nothing more I like during the day than a good double tea bagging from Big Gay Ray and a dunking of ginger nuts. But as refreshing as that is – and it is refreshing – I don’t drink it for energy.

During the war the Allies used to put stuff in the tea that they issued the troops to stop them from getting randy. Imagine if they did that with energy drinks?

But fret not those that find themselves with Demon flavoured semen, for I have the answer for those of you that spend close to a fiver on your canned energy each and every day; eat a balanced diet with lots of fruit and veggies, exercise regularly, get out in the fresh air during the day and get plenty of sleep, regularly.

Then let me know just how much ‘energy in a can’ you need.