ManFlu and Mucus

It’s amazing isn’t it, just how much mucus the body can produce when one is sick, almost as amazing as just how many places it can come out of...

I had the manful earlier this week which, by the way, is a terrible affliction. Not quite as bad as self rape, but close. In fact the two are linked because when you’re stuck at home laid up with the manful thoughts inevitably turn to playing with yourself.

Not while Good Morning is on though, because just as you get warmed up one of the two fellas come on. Talk about your mood killer.

My mate AJ was perplexed by the term manflu and wondered if it was some cross species ailment. It’s not but it raises something I’ve contemplated before; if you were a vet how long would it be before you got bored with the work and just started shagging stuff?

Maybe that’s why I’m not a vet.

Still, it would beat daytime TV which sucks arse. It always has – there’s nothing new in that – but it never ceases to amaze me just how mind numbing it is, which beggars the question – who watches the shit?

Dr Oz is cool, I guess, in the same way that all family doctors who’ve seen three generations of the breasts in your family are. The other day he had Richard Simmons on who is just a legend in his own time and seems to have been around for ages and yet, doesn’t appear to have aged one bit. Spooky.

Is there a scarier advertisement for weight loss than the teeny tiny shorts he wears? I know one thing for sure, if some fruity guy in short shorts and sequined tops started getting all excited and chasing me around a gym I’d run till the fat dripped off..

Apparently he’s put out over a hundred audio visual recordings which is a phenomenal number. Who’s buying them all I wonder? And they can’t all be working because surely you only need the one exercise video and if it doesn’t work then more by the same guy isn’t going to help. Perhaps Simmons is the P of weight loss DVDs; no one wants to admit to doing him but someone clearly is.

I do like him though and his back story is quite the inspiring one. For fatties.

Yet despite the apparent lack of quality TV on during the day, those affected with manflu are strangely drawn to watch it between cat naps. It’s either that or raid the DVD collection and watch films you feel obligated to watch again because you paid full price for them and couldn’t wait the couple of weeks it would’ve taken for them to drop to $10.

Perhaps it was all the staring at the walls I did but I found myself contemplating some interior decoration. Unfortunately, like all sufferers of manflu, I had almost lost the ability to stand, so the closest I would’ve come to fulfilling that dream was to have taken some diarrhoea pills and to go to work on them with a stencil.

I did find the energy however to sit outside in the sun, wrapped up warm, like an old fart, supping on tea and barley sugars. I would have preferred a Fishermans Friend to have sucked on but sometimes you have to work with what you’ve got.

And I’m on the mend, if only I could stop this incessant flow of mucus...