We might be on holiday in the middle of the wops but its been hard to miss the Obama magic show on TV. Honestly it's been so incredibly intense that I'm genuinely surprised that those who were watching didn't die of excitement.
Yes the guy finally got inaugurated. Yes it's a momentous day in America's history because he's bleeck. Yes I woke this morning with a hard on at the thought of it but now I am well and truly over it. The whole Obama thing has been gagging on for months now. It all reminds me of a three hour movie that just goes on and farken on. Like Lord of the Rings, which to my surprise ended with actually no ending, meaning you had to wait two years for the next one. I would've known that of course had I read the books in my teens, but I didn't. I was out partying and getting laid. Because I was cool.
Obama is cool. That's why he is so popular. Che Guevara cool. Only without the goatee beard that Che cultivated. My god Che was cool wasn't he? The world is full of metrosexuals today who pay shitloads to look as cool as Che did but don't quite cut it because ultimately they pay some poof to create their look for them where as Che had no choice but to grow his - the man was on the run living and shitting in the jungle without water, or a razor. Now that's necessity cool. His politics weren't so cool but the beard and the beret look great on a tee shirt. Obama looks great on a tee shirt too and everyone digs his politics. Now that's real cool.
That's where Adolf went wrong I think, he neglected his tee shirt market. All those millions moshing at Nuremberg and not one concert tee shirt to be found. He could have had the Blitzkrieg Tour Edition, with all the dates he conquered countries on the back. Not to mention the Death To Juden tour of Europe. All that cash from tees could have helped pay for research into new technologies that might have come up with some super weapon to help him win the war. Like flying tanks.
Obama is cool in a country where traditionally all the nerds who weren't cool, leave college, become politicians and pass legislation to punish the cool guys they longed to be like. They make rules like banning the use of marijuana just so as to piss the cool guys off. I reckon Obama was more likely to have transcended both genres at college. He would've been in with the nerdy guys because he was smart, but in with the cool at the same time because he was good looking and bleeck. Which is a magnet for chicks who long to see if he fit's the stereotype of good looking black men; that he's hung like a rogue bull.
Now Obama has said some very inspiring things about the global meltdown that is the economy and just how America will face it, so inspiring that I suspect that the sun may actually shine from his arse. Whether or not it will do any good is the problem though because it could be that the global recession is bigger than just one man. But hey, full credit to Obama for being the right guy at the right time and for America finally doing something right since ages ago, by voting for the dude in the first place. Who knows, maybe a leopard (America) can change it's spots after all.
A day into his tenure and already Obama has sent a very clear message. He's passed legislation that will ensure his government is one elected by and to serve the people and made it pretty clear that the usual mutual reach around with big business that has happened up till now is to stop. That means there will be a lot of pissed of lobbyists and conglomerates out there or can no longer count on the obscene amounts of money they used to make from the golden goose that is the American presidency. Its a bold move and one long overdue. I applaud Obama for making it his first task because it sets the bar, but I can't help but feel the line of rednecks, survivalists and would be assassins just got a bit longer.
Speaking of bleeck guys, albeit not so cool ones, I encountered one the other day in what is to date, the highlight of our trip north so far. There I was, sitting outside a cafe enjoying a cup of warm milk and water that just about had passed itself off as a coffee when I happened to glance - just glance mind you - at the kind of spectacularly tattooed individual that gives gangs a bad name, walking past pushing a pushbike. As he passed he launched into some fantastic conversation starter that was almost illegible but I was able to pick out the following phrases; 'fucken', 'ballhead' 'smash you up' and 'you cunt'.
I thought perhaps he had tourettes and almost paid him no attention. But being a full trained ninja and having served three consecutive tours in Nam I never miss anything. Even at night these days I still sleep with all three eyes open and the safeties off, so it dawned on me that perhaps his tirade was aimed at me, given that I am quite possibly the only Caucasian in town presently. Apart from Bruiser, but he's a lovely shade of pink at the moment.
My wife confirmed my suspicions. It seems our mate - he off the penile dwarfism and a Mensa mental disposition - can add legal blindness to his list of ailments. He had mistaken me for a skin head despite my having a full head of hair (that admittedly if I style a certain way does look a little like a minge) and a beard that looks almost as cool as Che Guevara’s.
Almost, but not quite.
Showing posts with label America. Show all posts
Showing posts with label America. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
What Price Virginity Aye?
With a headline like ‘Bids for student's virginity hit $6.7m’ you know that I’m not going to let this story pass without comment. If ever there was a worthy cause for the boys in the office to have a whip round for, this would be it!
The story, despite the titillating headline and being a boy’s wet dream, makes for some pretty sad reading really. Natalie Dylan – not her real name by the way – a 22-year-old Masters student, came up with the idea after her sister paid for her own degree by working as a prostitute for three weeks. So she comes from good stock, obviously. Natalie has a degree in Women's Studies and is studying for a master’s degree in Family and Marriage Therapy.
How many troubled marriages are going to want to go and have a consultation with the bird who sold her virginity online I wonder? Husbands will, obviously. That’s possibly why the marriage is in trouble in the first place but I can’t imagine many disgruntled wives are going to be so shit hot over the idea. How many families are going to want their troubled teenage girls to have some alone time with Ms Chastity? Teenage boys on the other hand will be going emo by the thousands just to meet her.
Dylan reckons she’s alright with the auction because "I feel empowered because I am being pro-choice with my body." The career limiting prospects of feeling so empowered seem to have escaped her but hey, this is the States we’re talking about, if the Family and Marriage Therapy falls through there’s always a career in porn.
Dylan is running the auction through the Moonlite Bunny Ranch's website, a legalised brothel in Nevada whose telephone number ends in 3825, which spells out F-U-C-K on a telephone pad. If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know about the place then wait, there’s more. Upon entering the website – the things I do for research – you’re greeted with the news and pictures that Eric the Midget partied hard over New Years with Air Force Amy, one of the Ranch’s finest and that Pregnant Bunny, despite being heavily pregnant, is available for work and is yum!
The Ranch owner, Denis Hof, is to receive half of the winning bid. A clever bit of marketing that, but it wouldn’t be the first time; In June 2003, Hof promised that the first 50 servicemen who showed up at his brothel after returning from the Iraq war would get a free root. For another 50 days after that, all returning servicemen would receive a 50% discount.
I can only imagine how chuffed Ranch regulars like Air Force Amy, Sunny Lane and Foxy Rexy were to learn that 50 blue balled servicemen with post traumatic stress disorder and anger management issues would be lined up at the door the next morning. The connection with Dylan and the Ranch is that her sister worked there two years ago, whilst raising money for her degree. With that kind of history to date maybe Moonlite could apply to the Nevada government to get the same sort of allowance that other tertiary institutions get?
The act of deflowering will be of course, consummated at the ranch. But even that isn’t all that it seems. Dylan has retained the right to reject the winner of the auction and pick another bidder, one who she has ‘chemistry’ with. So even if you were the type of guy who has millions to spare and the drive to take the cherry of some young woman who clearly has self esteem issues, there’s a good chance your money will count for nout. But hey, stiff shit. Nobody ever offered me money to take my virginity, infact if truth be told the girl that did probably would’ve liked to have been paid for my wasting of her time. But then that’s another story..
How this freak show ends is anybodies guess but if it doesn’t turn out to be a well orchestrated PR exercise then it’s going to end in disappointment for some dude who has far too much money for his own good – because going by the pictures I’ve seen of Dylan, I don’t think he’ll be her first. She does admit to having had oral sex but in this day and age even the Brethren will tell you ‘oral is moral’.
I wonder if Eric the Midget had to pay full price….?
The story, despite the titillating headline and being a boy’s wet dream, makes for some pretty sad reading really. Natalie Dylan – not her real name by the way – a 22-year-old Masters student, came up with the idea after her sister paid for her own degree by working as a prostitute for three weeks. So she comes from good stock, obviously. Natalie has a degree in Women's Studies and is studying for a master’s degree in Family and Marriage Therapy.
How many troubled marriages are going to want to go and have a consultation with the bird who sold her virginity online I wonder? Husbands will, obviously. That’s possibly why the marriage is in trouble in the first place but I can’t imagine many disgruntled wives are going to be so shit hot over the idea. How many families are going to want their troubled teenage girls to have some alone time with Ms Chastity? Teenage boys on the other hand will be going emo by the thousands just to meet her.
Dylan reckons she’s alright with the auction because "I feel empowered because I am being pro-choice with my body." The career limiting prospects of feeling so empowered seem to have escaped her but hey, this is the States we’re talking about, if the Family and Marriage Therapy falls through there’s always a career in porn.
Dylan is running the auction through the Moonlite Bunny Ranch's website, a legalised brothel in Nevada whose telephone number ends in 3825, which spells out F-U-C-K on a telephone pad. If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know about the place then wait, there’s more. Upon entering the website – the things I do for research – you’re greeted with the news and pictures that Eric the Midget partied hard over New Years with Air Force Amy, one of the Ranch’s finest and that Pregnant Bunny, despite being heavily pregnant, is available for work and is yum!
The Ranch owner, Denis Hof, is to receive half of the winning bid. A clever bit of marketing that, but it wouldn’t be the first time; In June 2003, Hof promised that the first 50 servicemen who showed up at his brothel after returning from the Iraq war would get a free root. For another 50 days after that, all returning servicemen would receive a 50% discount.
I can only imagine how chuffed Ranch regulars like Air Force Amy, Sunny Lane and Foxy Rexy were to learn that 50 blue balled servicemen with post traumatic stress disorder and anger management issues would be lined up at the door the next morning. The connection with Dylan and the Ranch is that her sister worked there two years ago, whilst raising money for her degree. With that kind of history to date maybe Moonlite could apply to the Nevada government to get the same sort of allowance that other tertiary institutions get?
The act of deflowering will be of course, consummated at the ranch. But even that isn’t all that it seems. Dylan has retained the right to reject the winner of the auction and pick another bidder, one who she has ‘chemistry’ with. So even if you were the type of guy who has millions to spare and the drive to take the cherry of some young woman who clearly has self esteem issues, there’s a good chance your money will count for nout. But hey, stiff shit. Nobody ever offered me money to take my virginity, infact if truth be told the girl that did probably would’ve liked to have been paid for my wasting of her time. But then that’s another story..
How this freak show ends is anybodies guess but if it doesn’t turn out to be a well orchestrated PR exercise then it’s going to end in disappointment for some dude who has far too much money for his own good – because going by the pictures I’ve seen of Dylan, I don’t think he’ll be her first. She does admit to having had oral sex but in this day and age even the Brethren will tell you ‘oral is moral’.
I wonder if Eric the Midget had to pay full price….?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Barack Bin Laden?
Man I can’t wait for the general election in October when I can finally vote for Barack Obama. Oh yeah, I feel so black right now.
What? He’s running for the American Presidency and not the New Zealand Prime Ministerial ship? So I won’t be able to vote for him? Well you could’ve fooled me because he’s on the bloody news every night; if not in person then it’s some Gaylord waxing on how he’s the first black Ron Jeremy and from his sack will flow the freedom seed. Or something to that affect
I can understand it must be a big deal if you live in America and give a shit, but we don’t, on both counts. But this is what happens when news programmes here in New Zealand staff themselves with lazy pricks who, rather than go out and find real stories, fill their bulletins with crap from the overseas networks so that they can spend more time at home beating up their girlfriends. Honestly, I think I got more of an education back in the day watching Zippy and Bungle pack a sad with each other.
Did you ever wonder why it was that Bungle always wrapped a towel around his waist to after a shower and wore jammies to bed, but yet walked around in the buff the rest of time? I didn’t at the time because I was only about eight, but now I do and I’m thinking he must have had a stiffy the whole time. Why else would he have had the towel on? Hey – we’ve all been there, been a little too attentive with the soap whilst washing a certain part of the anatomy and then tried to explain it away when the missus catches you as ‘I was just washing it…’.
The same thing happens with Formula One racing highlights. Ever since Formula One coverage got bought out by Sky and not TVNZ, we’ve had the English highlights package on the network news which is always about Lewis Hamilton, the UKs answer to Barack Obama, only he does car, not Presidential races. Admittedly he’s won a few races over the two seasons he’s been competing, so as far as the Poms are concerned its game over, call the competition off, there’s only one man in it. The fuck there is.
John Key, National leader, born and raised in middle class New Zealand and quite possibly whiter than the underside of my scrotum compared himself to Barack Obama this week. I never knew that John Keys smoked marijuana? How else would you come up with that kind of self comparison? It would have been more laughable if we weren’t all sniggering at that jammy bugger Winston Peters finally getting a little dose of karma up the jacksie. Winston reminds me of a guy I used to work with, who found shit hilarious when he was dishing it out but couldn’t handle the jandal when he had the piss taken out of him. I can’t stand guys like that.
That said though, credit where credit is due, Winston Peters is a survivor. Sgt Zeke Anderson was a survivor. Survivors are winners. He was very good at it but it helped that he had a certain amount of natural ability. If there was one thing he didn’t like it was dopers, because if you were a doper you were getting high and not listening to him which meant you were going to get him killed. And he wasn’t going to let that happen. A lot of good men died in Vietnam but Sgt Zeke Anderson was not one of them. He was a fictional character in a TV series, but I served with a lot of men like him.
A figure once put as high as 23% of Americans believe Barack Obama is Muslim and therefore – following the six degrees of separation rule – somehow tied to Al Qaeda. Down in the redneck states, the ones who put sexy in dyslexia, there is a percentage who thinks that ‘Obama’ and ‘Osama’ are just a little too close for their liking. And I can understand where they’re coming from too, a kid in my class at school was named Hitler Tampon and he was always getting grief about his name.
Funny then, what with all this kerfuffle that Barack would choose a running mate with a last name that does little to ease the situation. Thousands of people waving ‘Barack Biden’ placards are just going to piss off the illiterate voters of America more who are probably reading the signs as ‘Barack Bin Laden’.
What? He’s running for the American Presidency and not the New Zealand Prime Ministerial ship? So I won’t be able to vote for him? Well you could’ve fooled me because he’s on the bloody news every night; if not in person then it’s some Gaylord waxing on how he’s the first black Ron Jeremy and from his sack will flow the freedom seed. Or something to that affect
I can understand it must be a big deal if you live in America and give a shit, but we don’t, on both counts. But this is what happens when news programmes here in New Zealand staff themselves with lazy pricks who, rather than go out and find real stories, fill their bulletins with crap from the overseas networks so that they can spend more time at home beating up their girlfriends. Honestly, I think I got more of an education back in the day watching Zippy and Bungle pack a sad with each other.
Did you ever wonder why it was that Bungle always wrapped a towel around his waist to after a shower and wore jammies to bed, but yet walked around in the buff the rest of time? I didn’t at the time because I was only about eight, but now I do and I’m thinking he must have had a stiffy the whole time. Why else would he have had the towel on? Hey – we’ve all been there, been a little too attentive with the soap whilst washing a certain part of the anatomy and then tried to explain it away when the missus catches you as ‘I was just washing it…’.
The same thing happens with Formula One racing highlights. Ever since Formula One coverage got bought out by Sky and not TVNZ, we’ve had the English highlights package on the network news which is always about Lewis Hamilton, the UKs answer to Barack Obama, only he does car, not Presidential races. Admittedly he’s won a few races over the two seasons he’s been competing, so as far as the Poms are concerned its game over, call the competition off, there’s only one man in it. The fuck there is.
John Key, National leader, born and raised in middle class New Zealand and quite possibly whiter than the underside of my scrotum compared himself to Barack Obama this week. I never knew that John Keys smoked marijuana? How else would you come up with that kind of self comparison? It would have been more laughable if we weren’t all sniggering at that jammy bugger Winston Peters finally getting a little dose of karma up the jacksie. Winston reminds me of a guy I used to work with, who found shit hilarious when he was dishing it out but couldn’t handle the jandal when he had the piss taken out of him. I can’t stand guys like that.
That said though, credit where credit is due, Winston Peters is a survivor. Sgt Zeke Anderson was a survivor. Survivors are winners. He was very good at it but it helped that he had a certain amount of natural ability. If there was one thing he didn’t like it was dopers, because if you were a doper you were getting high and not listening to him which meant you were going to get him killed. And he wasn’t going to let that happen. A lot of good men died in Vietnam but Sgt Zeke Anderson was not one of them. He was a fictional character in a TV series, but I served with a lot of men like him.
A figure once put as high as 23% of Americans believe Barack Obama is Muslim and therefore – following the six degrees of separation rule – somehow tied to Al Qaeda. Down in the redneck states, the ones who put sexy in dyslexia, there is a percentage who thinks that ‘Obama’ and ‘Osama’ are just a little too close for their liking. And I can understand where they’re coming from too, a kid in my class at school was named Hitler Tampon and he was always getting grief about his name.
Funny then, what with all this kerfuffle that Barack would choose a running mate with a last name that does little to ease the situation. Thousands of people waving ‘Barack Biden’ placards are just going to piss off the illiterate voters of America more who are probably reading the signs as ‘Barack Bin Laden’.
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