A Question of Sport #2

More unanswered question from the wonderful world of sport. What? You don't like sport? You should.

Rugby


The World Cup has started – you might have noticed – and undoubtedly the highlight to date, so far as NZ is concerned, is the moment Sonny Bill Williams All Black jersey lost a sleeve and he had to remove it. What a fabulous advertisement for the $220 jersey that adidas spent years developing aye? I thought it was made of some fantastic fabric that hadn’t even been invented yet? And now we know why it costs so much; it comes with a guy to help you take the damn thing off.

Apparently the jersey is now being sent to China for testing to see what went wrong. China. I'd say that's your answer right there...

On the same subject the English – who I’ve happened to draw in the work sweepstake – had similar issues with the numbers on their jerseys, which started to peel off en masse with the slightest breeze. Some comfort then to know that Nike’s sweatshops, also based in China, don’t do quality any better then adidas. In a remarkable coincidence, England was wearing their new black strip too, the idea for which they pinched from us, so it serves the unoriginal bastards right doesn’t it? Perhaps they’ve finally realised white is the colour of surrender, that’s why we don’t wear it…

Tennis


That guy Serena Williams was at it again this week too, proving that she can’t handle the jandal when she starts to lose to a whitey and just confirmed that you can take the diva out of Compton, but she still sulks like one when things don’t go her own way. Do you think she’ll look back on these comments with a sense of irony?

''Don't even look at me,'' shouted the 29-year-old up at Asdaraki (Chair Umpire).

''If I see you in the corridor don't even walk past me because - you're out of control, you're out of control. You're totally out of control, you're a hater and you're just unattractive inside. Who would do such a thing? And I never complain. Wow. You’re a loser.

I get a code violation for expressing who I am; we're in America last time I checked. Am I going to get violated for (asking for) water? Really don't look at me. I promise you don't look at me. Don't look my way.''

Fruity Football Boots & Serena's Budgie

What is it about top some athletes and their outfit choices aye?

Maybe it’s the enhanced levels of adrenaline or testosterone that cause complete lack of judgement. Maybe it’s at the insistence of the sweat factory sporting label that they are contracted to. Maybe it’s just that they spent their formative years developing sporting prowess and not sense. Maybe they’re just fucked in the head? Who knows?

Venus Willams – not to be confused with her brother Serena – unleashed the latest shocker this week with ‘flesh’ coloured undies. Not ‘flesh’ as in Caucasian, no Michele Obama made that mistake a few weeks back when she wore a ‘flesh’ coloured gown to some knees up only it was whitey flesh, not darkie, so was it really ‘flesh’ some asked?

It was fucken beige, that’s what it was. Just as Venus’ grundies were poo brown. Neither are any more skin coloured than is the dirty black atomic wedgie number she’s wearing under them. Now that is truly shocking.

But if you needed more proof that this type of decision is made because the drugs don’t work then read Venus’s reason for wearing them:

"The outfit was about illusion, and that's been a lot of my motif this year, illusion".

All I can say is aren't you glad it wasn't Serena photogrpahed wearing such tightie brownies? Then we really would have seen the smuggled budgie wouldn't we....?

Meanwhile over at the World Cup next month the world’s foremost exponents of the beautiful game will be wearing jellies on their feet. Yes jellies. The same brightly coloured plastic numbers your sister wore and that you borrowed occasionally when dressing in her clothes when you thought the family was out for ages only they weren’t, they came back early and caught you.

When I was a boy there was only one boot colour and it was black. Not skin coloured black but black as a black man’s cape and they did the business. These days football boots are as fruity as some of the guys wearing them and shit is starting to get ridiculous; not only do we now have fluorescent greens, yellows and oranges, but combinations of all three.

Which look great if your tiedyed socks match, but they don’t. So Christiano Ronaldo will spend his pitch time poncing around in purple and orange boots whilst wearing green socks. Would he leave the house in just such a combo? Well, probably. Bad example.

It’s all marketing of course. You might think the World Cup is about Brazil vs. Spain, or Argentina vs. The Dutchies, but it’s not really. Its Adidas vs Nike in a battle to see who can flog as many pairs of their overpriced boots as quickly as the tiny little underpaid hands in the sweat factories can make them.

Another day in the Nike factory, another dollar. Literally.

But I wonder where it will all end? How long before we see boots that flash like a set of Christmas lights, or change colour depending on temperature, moisture or after impact? Maybe we’ll see mood boots that change according to the feelings of the player wearing them. Thus Ronaldo’s will always be purple because he’s a poof.

Or maybe we’ll go back to bleeck and not just because it’s retro but because no one really gives a fuck about multi coloured jellies, no matter who’s wearing them.

Except your mother, that day she came home early to find you wearing some, as well as your sister’s underwear...

Venus, who may need surgery to retrieve her undies...

Women Are Strange Creatures - Epilogue

Now I'm as impressed at the tennis prowess of the Williams sisters as the next frightened caucasian opponent, but I wonder if anyone has checked that Serena doesn't have an inverted testicle because as she proved on court today not only is she built like a brick shit house, but she has the mouth of one too.

I rest my case.

NB: Kinky idea involving the tennis ball though. Kudos for that Serena.