Anyone For Tennis?

There are some lovely looking ladies in world tennis…..but these are not them:


Oh well. I only watch women's tennis for the articles anyway…

A Question of Sport #2

More unanswered question from the wonderful world of sport. What? You don't like sport? You should.

Rugby


The World Cup has started – you might have noticed – and undoubtedly the highlight to date, so far as NZ is concerned, is the moment Sonny Bill Williams All Black jersey lost a sleeve and he had to remove it. What a fabulous advertisement for the $220 jersey that adidas spent years developing aye? I thought it was made of some fantastic fabric that hadn’t even been invented yet? And now we know why it costs so much; it comes with a guy to help you take the damn thing off.

Apparently the jersey is now being sent to China for testing to see what went wrong. China. I'd say that's your answer right there...

On the same subject the English – who I’ve happened to draw in the work sweepstake – had similar issues with the numbers on their jerseys, which started to peel off en masse with the slightest breeze. Some comfort then to know that Nike’s sweatshops, also based in China, don’t do quality any better then adidas. In a remarkable coincidence, England was wearing their new black strip too, the idea for which they pinched from us, so it serves the unoriginal bastards right doesn’t it? Perhaps they’ve finally realised white is the colour of surrender, that’s why we don’t wear it…

Tennis


That guy Serena Williams was at it again this week too, proving that she can’t handle the jandal when she starts to lose to a whitey and just confirmed that you can take the diva out of Compton, but she still sulks like one when things don’t go her own way. Do you think she’ll look back on these comments with a sense of irony?

''Don't even look at me,'' shouted the 29-year-old up at Asdaraki (Chair Umpire).

''If I see you in the corridor don't even walk past me because - you're out of control, you're out of control. You're totally out of control, you're a hater and you're just unattractive inside. Who would do such a thing? And I never complain. Wow. You’re a loser.

I get a code violation for expressing who I am; we're in America last time I checked. Am I going to get violated for (asking for) water? Really don't look at me. I promise you don't look at me. Don't look my way.''

How Do You Know You're Beat Before You Begin..?

When your opponent at a major tennis tournament (and who just happens to be the world’s best player) turns up to play you in drill shorts, that’s how.

This photo doesn’t really do them justice but I’m sure Rafael Nadal picked them up from the skateboarding, not tennis playing, part of the Nike sweatshop.

All he is missing to complete the look of utter contempt towards his opponent is the chain and the cap on a jaunty angle. I suppose he could’ve turned out in jeans but that would’ve been a bit cheeky really.

Oh and Rafa, mate, this whole ‘sign the camera lens thing’ that you top tennis stars do every time you leave the court? It’s getting a bit wanky.

As you were.

I Need A High Five

Why is it, do you think, that some sports, like beach volleyball and doubles tennis, require the participants to be in constant high five throwing distance? They seem to spend more time ticking each others palms then they do playing the damn game.

Now with beach volleyball I can understand, because if I was female and spending half the game staring at the hungry bum of Anna Scarlett clad in the briefest of briefs, I’d want to slap some skin as often as I could too. Not so much, mind you, if I was a fella (which I am) partnered with another fella. Then the only sausages I’d want to see touching in that particular scenario would be those on the post match BBQ...

Even when they fuck it up, they’re still throwing high fives. It’s like some psychological ritual they have to go through at the end of each point, a bit of touchy touchy, just to let you know I’m still here and I dig you in your boy briefs.

Doubles tennis is much the same. Usually it’s high fives but if a point has been ferociously contested across several shots then the adrenalin kicks in and the pair who has won the point is fisting each other in celebration. Which is brilliant when it’s female or mixed doubles but again, not so enjoyable when it’s a sausage fest.

Recently I watched some ten pin bowlers (or is that ballers?) down at the local lanes with some interest. I had taken my son and some of his mates down for something to do on a rainy day and our visit just happened to coincide with a week day league session. I was fascinated to watch just how ever competitor would ritualistically high five everybody in their foursome after each bowl, even the opposition!

From what I could gather the way the league worked you signed up, probably with some other mates who likewise didn’t get out much and you played with a different partner every time. Just quietly, by the look of some of them I think they possibly went home with a different partner every time too. It was that kind of crowd. In one lane I watched two pairs who were clearly hoping not to draw the other's car keys out of the bowl (given that they would sit miles from each other when polishing their balls), but yet still the obligatory high fives flowed as often as the pins fell.

I think it’s an inferiority complex thing. Most people play doubles in one sport or another because on they’re not very good at on their own. This is not always the case in tennis mind you where top players will often play together to a) win even more trophies, the loads of cash that comes with it and the adoration of those that love them and b) to look shit hot whilst doing it*.

But those few exceptions aside, most double ups are usually Joe Average partnered with Average Joe i.e. the famous American / Asian mixed pair of the same name. These sportsmen and women probably would have been quite successful in their own right if it not for one poignant detail of their childhood; they were Mommas boys and girls and were given hugs after every practice, game and competition, regardless of the result. Now, in the world of professional sport, they still long for that soothing touch and thus, needlessly high five or bum pat their partner even in moments when just such a gesture is not called for.

Well, either that or they fancy their partner. Bloody homo's.

*Such was the case of Anna Kournikova pairing up with Martina Hingis during the late Nineties and early Naughties. Kournikova was the most masturbated over athlete of her time but yet, quite shit at tennis. Hingis was excellent at tennis and although not hard on the eye, was often mistaken for a lezzer, so for both girls it was a win-win situation.

Not to mention for boys the world over, who spent that entire period wanking over the thought of the two making out in the showers after each match and doing unmentionable things with their tennis balls and rackets.

Or was that just me?

Moving on from the high five is the one handed bra release....yes please!

Sheila of the Week

Sticking with the tennis theme we salute Kim Clijsters who this week won the US Open after two years out of the game.

During that time she mourned the passing of her father, got married and welcomed her first child, all of which makes what she did this week all the more remarkable. But then that’s the story of her career really. Her Grand Slam win this week was the first by an unseeded, unranked player ever. She’s also the first Mum to win a Grand Slam since 1980 too, but then she’s used to being the first to do things in the tennis world.

In 2003 Clijsters became not only the first Belgian - man or woman - to be ranked World No. 1, but also did so without winning a Grand Slam tournament. Clijsters is one of only five women to have been ranked World No. 1 in singles and doubles simultaneously. Her singles win total that year was the highest single-season total by any woman since Navratilova in 1982. She was also the first woman to play more than 100 singles matches in a year since Chris Evert in 1974.

In 2005 her victory in the US Open Series and the subsequent US Open meant she collected US$2.2 million in prize money, the largest single purse ever won by a female athlete.

In the season 2005 to 2006 Clijsters broke a rankings record returning to the World No. 1 ranking. She was ranked as low as World No. 134 in March 2005, so her return to the top spot in a ten-month span was the fastest and biggest leap in women's tennis history.

Clijsters is one of the most recognisable tennis players on the women’s tour, but not for the reasons we normally associate with top tennis players; She doesn’t have the long ground to bum legs of Sharapova, the smoldering looks of Ivanovic or the massive gun show that is the Williams sisters, but her style of play and positive attitude towards the game make her a stand out.

Her father was a professional footballer and Clijsters seems to have inherited his determination and his legs, as she has often remarked. She is one of a few players who can slide through a shot on any surface and her tenacity across the court means she is more likely to return the ball more than any other opponent.

But it’s not just the fact that she’s a fit MILF that we appreciate Kim. She also dated annoying Aussie Lleyton ‘C’mon’ Hewitt for a year and seeing that guy naked is deserved of a medal we reckon. One thing is for sure; you can bet that in that particular match it was Hewitt who always came first, he just has that look about him.

So big ups to Kimmie C, who this week proved that Mums really can do anything.

Women Are Strange Creatures - Epilogue

Now I'm as impressed at the tennis prowess of the Williams sisters as the next frightened caucasian opponent, but I wonder if anyone has checked that Serena doesn't have an inverted testicle because as she proved on court today not only is she built like a brick shit house, but she has the mouth of one too.

I rest my case.

NB: Kinky idea involving the tennis ball though. Kudos for that Serena.