Now with beach volleyball I can understand, because if I was female and spending half the game staring at the hungry bum of Anna Scarlett clad in the briefest of briefs, I’d want to slap some skin as often as I could too. Not so much, mind you, if I was a fella (which I am) partnered with another fella. Then the only sausages I’d want to see touching in that particular scenario would be those on the post match BBQ...
Even when they fuck it up, they’re still throwing high fives. It’s like some psychological ritual they have to go through at the end of each point, a bit of touchy touchy, just to let you know I’m still here and I dig you in your boy briefs.
Doubles tennis is much the same. Usually it’s high fives but if a point has been ferociously contested across several shots then the adrenalin kicks in and the pair who has won the point is fisting each other in celebration. Which is brilliant when it’s female or mixed doubles but again, not so enjoyable when it’s a sausage fest.
Recently I watched some ten pin bowlers (or is that ballers?) down at the local lanes with some interest. I had taken my son and some of his mates down for something to do on a rainy day and our visit just happened to coincide with a week day league session. I was fascinated to watch just how ever competitor would ritualistically high five everybody in their foursome after each bowl, even the opposition!
From what I could gather the way the league worked you signed up, probably with some other mates who likewise didn’t get out much and you played with a different partner every time. Just quietly, by the look of some of them I think they possibly went home with a different partner every time too. It was that kind of crowd. In one lane I watched two pairs who were clearly hoping not to draw the other's car keys out of the bowl (given that they would sit miles from each other when polishing their balls), but yet still the obligatory high fives flowed as often as the pins fell.
I think it’s an inferiority complex thing. Most people play doubles in one sport or another because on they’re not very good at on their own. This is not always the case in tennis mind you where top players will often play together to a) win even more trophies, the loads of cash that comes with it and the adoration of those that love them and b) to look shit hot whilst doing it*.
But those few exceptions aside, most double ups are usually Joe Average partnered with Average Joe i.e. the famous American / Asian mixed pair of the same name. These sportsmen and women probably would have been quite successful in their own right if it not for one poignant detail of their childhood; they were Mommas boys and girls and were given hugs after every practice, game and competition, regardless of the result. Now, in the world of professional sport, they still long for that soothing touch and thus, needlessly high five or bum pat their partner even in moments when just such a gesture is not called for.
Well, either that or they fancy their partner. Bloody homo's.
*Such was the case of Anna Kournikova pairing up with Martina Hingis during the late Nineties and early Naughties. Kournikova was the most masturbated over athlete of her time but yet, quite shit at tennis. Hingis was excellent at tennis and although not hard on the eye, was often mistaken for a lezzer, so for both girls it was a win-win situation.
Not to mention for boys the world over, who spent that entire period wanking over the thought of the two making out in the showers after each match and doing unmentionable things with their tennis balls and rackets.
Or was that just me?
Moving on from the high five is the one handed bra release....yes please!
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