Six Degrees of New Zealand

New Zealand is a relatively small place. Not like an orange small, but in terms of land mass we’re a pubescent boy amongst the big countries of the world.

Despite our size we have a lot going for us and do a lot of cool things that get us noticed on the world stage. We do some pretty fucken idiotic things too but on the whole, we’re known more for positive reasons and having small man syndrome is not one of them.

So it really gets on my tits when the media outlets in this country feel they have to create a New Zealand link to already newsworthy stories so as to increase the appeal, like we’re all a bunch of idiots or something. We may be miles away from everyone else but I take it personally when it’s implied we’re backwards because of it.

Some stories do have a definitive New Zealand link i.e. they involve a Kiwi, but it gets a bit ridiculous when we start referencing the fact that someone once holidayed here or accidentally pointed to us on a globe thinking that we were Australia. What the fuck does that have to do with the price of fish and does it make the story any the more interesting? No. No it does not.

It’s almost as if every news story that comes in on the wires is given the Six Degrees of New Zealand treatment. That must be what all those clowns in the newsroom behind the presenters spend all their time doing: “Right, here we have a story about some geezer who’s just gunned down 12 kids in a McDonald's over in Finland. What’s the link? Oh I’ve got it; we have McDonald's in New Zealand! And kids! And geezers!”

But let’s not solely blame the news organisations for this thinly veiled narcissism. The latest series of World Vision ads are laying it on nice and thick too with the spokesperson, Petra Bagust, exclaiming that their work in whatever rice paddy field she’s standing in is really a NZ problem and we need to take ownership of it. Excuse me?

I’m all for helping to end poverty in third world countries too but the emotional blackmail is not going to work on me, not when it’s pushed by a woman who made her name by being the oldest virgin on telly. Oh and to complete the look she’s taken her daughter with her on tour and introduced her to the world of being a B Grade celebrity in this country, like she had a choice.

Maybe I’m a cynical prick but I can’t wait for the day the news breaks that the younger Bagust accidentally-on-purpose lets slip that, just like Mum, she shagged her boyfriend in the toilets on the plane too. We love that shit in New Zealand. Maybe she’ll hook up with Millie Holmes too and they can share war stories on just how interesting life can be when you’re the daughter of a B grader.

Now that would be an easy one degree of New Zealand news story wouldn’t it?