The most common question around the traps these days is, somewhat surprisingly, not “Do you fancy a bum?” but rather “Seen Avatar yet?”
Personally, I’d prefer the first.
I haven’t been to see Avatar and I won’t lie to you, I don’t plan to anytime soon. I’m not saying that I’d prefer to stare at the wall and hold my breath for two hours instead, but the thing just doesn’t interest me, even if it is full of big blue alien boobs (and kinky stuff like that usually does interest me. Enormously so).
For a start, when I first heard of it I thought ‘Avatar’ was a movie adaption of the rather cool cartoon my son sometimes watches. It isn’t (although there is a movie of that coming out) and I’m still a little pissed that I got all excited needlessly.
Secondly, the plot doesn’t interest me. From what I’ve seen of it the bulk of the money spent on the flick wasn’t on an original script. Visually it’s spectacular, so I’m told, but I’ve seen 3-D before, hell I’ve even seen 4-D (Shrek 4 @ MovieWorld, Australia) so again, nothing new there.
Which is typical James Cameron really. Sure, Terminator was blow-your-socks off visually stunning for its time, but Titanic was gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun and instead played the epic love story card, which is rather ironic don’t you think, given that Cameron has had five wives?
All of which makes Avatar seem to me to be a bit like the hottest girl in the room, who is also the dumbest. She’s great to look at, but there’s to be strictly no talking when you’re giving her a sneaky finger out the back and just like her, Avatar may be the first good looking 3 D film but it won’t be the last.
Avatar has had its knockers though (and I’m not just talking about blue nungas again), the Vatican hates it but then that might be due to the lack of partially clothed pubescent boys in it. The usual group who whack on about such things have proclaimed it racist, like rice and the anti-smoking lobby think that the character played by Sigourney Weaver sucking on fags the whole time, sucks.
Maybe she should have sucked on a Fishermans Friend instead?
3 D, like widescreen format, high definition and BluRay before it, is the next big thing in movies, or so we’re told. The porn industry, already the frontrunner in my book for so many things on film, like midgets, is the first to pick up on the success of Avatar and is planning to crank out streaming 3 D porn quicker than you get your pants down and the moisturiser out.
The very thought of which I love, because the increase in porn watching injuries is going to sky rocket when it goes 3 D! The reported incidents of accidental injury through one handing surfing go largely unreported these days; no one wants to admit that their chair toppled whilst it was delicately balanced on two legs as they furiously masturbated with alternate hands while trying to control the scroll function of the RedTube clip with their feet.
But those instances of self harm will go through the roof when millions of young men around the world panic, mid wank, when it looks like a big black cock is about to whack them across the forehead, or that they’re about to be drenched in a climactic facial. Not to mention the number of eye related injuries that will occur as 3 D glasses are hurriedly whipped from the head when Mum walks in on them unexpectedly.
And that, James Cameron, will be Avatar’s legacy. You wanker.
Personally, I’d prefer the first.
I haven’t been to see Avatar and I won’t lie to you, I don’t plan to anytime soon. I’m not saying that I’d prefer to stare at the wall and hold my breath for two hours instead, but the thing just doesn’t interest me, even if it is full of big blue alien boobs (and kinky stuff like that usually does interest me. Enormously so).
For a start, when I first heard of it I thought ‘Avatar’ was a movie adaption of the rather cool cartoon my son sometimes watches. It isn’t (although there is a movie of that coming out) and I’m still a little pissed that I got all excited needlessly.
Secondly, the plot doesn’t interest me. From what I’ve seen of it the bulk of the money spent on the flick wasn’t on an original script. Visually it’s spectacular, so I’m told, but I’ve seen 3-D before, hell I’ve even seen 4-D (Shrek 4 @ MovieWorld, Australia) so again, nothing new there.
Which is typical James Cameron really. Sure, Terminator was blow-your-socks off visually stunning for its time, but Titanic was gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun and instead played the epic love story card, which is rather ironic don’t you think, given that Cameron has had five wives?
All of which makes Avatar seem to me to be a bit like the hottest girl in the room, who is also the dumbest. She’s great to look at, but there’s to be strictly no talking when you’re giving her a sneaky finger out the back and just like her, Avatar may be the first good looking 3 D film but it won’t be the last.
Avatar has had its knockers though (and I’m not just talking about blue nungas again), the Vatican hates it but then that might be due to the lack of partially clothed pubescent boys in it. The usual group who whack on about such things have proclaimed it racist, like rice and the anti-smoking lobby think that the character played by Sigourney Weaver sucking on fags the whole time, sucks.
Maybe she should have sucked on a Fishermans Friend instead?
3 D, like widescreen format, high definition and BluRay before it, is the next big thing in movies, or so we’re told. The porn industry, already the frontrunner in my book for so many things on film, like midgets, is the first to pick up on the success of Avatar and is planning to crank out streaming 3 D porn quicker than you get your pants down and the moisturiser out.
The very thought of which I love, because the increase in porn watching injuries is going to sky rocket when it goes 3 D! The reported incidents of accidental injury through one handing surfing go largely unreported these days; no one wants to admit that their chair toppled whilst it was delicately balanced on two legs as they furiously masturbated with alternate hands while trying to control the scroll function of the RedTube clip with their feet.
But those instances of self harm will go through the roof when millions of young men around the world panic, mid wank, when it looks like a big black cock is about to whack them across the forehead, or that they’re about to be drenched in a climactic facial. Not to mention the number of eye related injuries that will occur as 3 D glasses are hurriedly whipped from the head when Mum walks in on them unexpectedly.
And that, James Cameron, will be Avatar’s legacy. You wanker.
Blue boobs, as seen in Avatar.
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