My son walked in on me checking out naked women on the Internet the other day.
I say women, but really it was only the one and there was not a pink bit to be seen. Not that an eight year old sticks around long enough to note those finer details. I was watching Alicia Silverstone do her bit for the rabbit food eating community in their latest ad, the one where she hops out of a swimming pool supposedly nude. I doubt she was fully nude though, because in this day and age only truly naive celebrities like the chick from High School Musical pose nude in private and are then shocked when it ends up on the interweb. I doubt Alicia would take that risk – although I’m sure I’m not alone in wishing she would. The High School Musical girl was decidedly average by the way, in case you were wondering my opinion.
So although it wasn’t the good stuff I was looking at, it might as well have been. I made matters worse by acting like it was the good stuff when my boy walked in and tried to frantically minimise the full screen playback, only to reveal the picture of her lying nude on her side, the shot that the vegans are using for their banner ads. Needless to say my son acted pretty much as I suspected he would, promptly running off to tell his two mates in the lounge that dad was looking at naked ladies on the computer.
I guess that will make afternoons quieter around here. None of the neighbourhood kids are going to be allowed over to Porno Dad’s house no more. I don’t quite know how I’ll make it up to my son. His school is having a German cultural day soon and I’m guessing that in the aftermath of this incident, the Waffen SS uniform I planned to wear is not going to go down well. Nor I suspect, is my Hitler Youth Bake-A-Cake stall that I had planned to man.
It’s tough being socially responsible sometimes. For some people it’s far easier to be ignorant and a Mongol, than socially apt. I’m not talking about serious stuff like pinching the neighbours lingerie from her clothesline, or whether or not to call in that controlled burn off of yours that just jumped the fence. Doing the right thing with that kind of stuff is a no-brainer for we the majority. But fear not, for the socially irresponsible are all around us and you don’t need to look very far to find them.
Take for example, shopping trolley etiquette. How is it that some folk can’t even manage to control a metre long trolley in a series of straight, flat, three metre wide aisles? These are the pricks that bang and broadside you more than once because they’re oblivious to anyone else around them. Why does that happen? The supermarket is hardly sensory deprivation central and there are no blind spots in the frozen section, so how the fuck does it happen? And these pillars of society are then heading out to a car in a car park near you?! Yeah, nice one.
What about the munter that spends five minutes riding the seventy metre escalator only to then not know where he’s going when he hops off at the end? There are only two choices mate, take a chance at life I say and stop holding every other bugger up behind you, fortune favours the brave after all. This kind of genius likes to stop in doorways and the centre of walkways too, to make other life changing decisions like "shall I dump here at the mall, or wait till I get to the mother-in-laws?". Mention that he / she might be in the way and they’ll look at you as though you just laid a warm steaming cable on the nice white linoleum floor.
The list, quite literally, is endless. How about folk who never return hired DVDs on time? People who make a new queue - that they are then at the front of - when one clearly already exists. Arseholes that dent your car door with theirs. One of my personal faves is when people walk through a busy car park believing that they have the right of way, waltzing in and out of your every blind spot to be right behind or in front of you as you look to plant the pedal. The poindexter who did so to me on the weekend came close to tasting cold hard Hyundai steel, I kid you not. He certainly got a mouthful of language that could only have come from a Porno Dad.
But even he was surpassed in the ‘fuck me right off’ stakes today, by his mate Wayne Kerr, who parked his people mover just far enough away from, or close enough to, the petrol pump at my local servo to mean that no bugger could use it. I enjoyed glaring psychotically at his entire family sitting in the car whilst I stood in the rain pumping my gas.
Yep, social irresponsibility is everywhere alright and unless they allow me to start carrying firearms there’s not much chance of it ending. Maybe I’ll take to wearing my Waffen SS uniform out when I go out shopping….
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