Another New Year's has come and gone, that time of the year where one can reflect in the achievements of the past 12 months and look forward to the challenges that await in the next 12.
Unless you're between the ages of 16 and 20 it's just another excuse for a mass piss up and let’s face it, what isn't an excuse for a mass piss up when you're that age? Even the funeral of a mate who died whilst driving drunk at just such a mass piss up doesn't seem to be an occasion completely unworthy of a mass piss up. Especially not in Featherston, where before Chrissy the mourners of just such a mate decided to engage in the same activity that led to his untimely death - drunken burnouts. Their homage to a fallen fuckstick. Stupid, it does seem, is as stupid does.
I went to Featherston for a 21st once. Now Featherston may be many things but party central it is not. We stayed in the cheapest hotel I have ever been in - $10 a night and $3 pints in the bar downstairs, which you could order with your breakfast if you were so inclined. Now ours was not the only 21st on that night and the place being as small as it is, it wasn't long before the three par-taes combined to form a mass piss up.
Prospects for my night looked good early on as I kept bumping into the sexy young bird who was rooming in the single room directly across from mine, but unbeknownst to me she was from Lesbos, something I only fully cottoned on to after seeing her hook into the sexiest mullet I had ever seen. Even then I still rated my chances in pulling them both as high, thanks to the $3 pints.
It was pleasing to see that both the road toll and arrest rate over the holiday period was down though. Obviously the message is getting through to some and the hard work put in by the Fuzz is starting to play off. Not that anyone at the TV3 news department wanted to admit it and give the cops due credit; they tried to attest the lower road toll to high petrol prices. Sure, it may well be one of several factors that may have helped contribute but it's a slim one at best; idiots on the road are still idiots even when petrol prices are high.
And everyone seemed to be well behaved whilst they partied like it was 1999, except for the usual places where youth, booze and the enhanced prospect of sexy time always proves to be a dangerous mix. Were things as bad as they are now in places like The Mount before the legal drinking age was lowered? Fucked if I know but wouldn't it be interesting if it were only all those MPs who voted to lower the drinking age several years ago who had their cars trashed, letterboxes pulled out, gardens pissed on and their sleep disrupted by running street parties every time there was a mass piss up?
There was no danger of me making a fool of myself this New Year, just like there hasn't been for the last 10 years. My last big New Year's was the time the Ariki Street massive and I sojourned to New Plymouth as part of our North Island road trip. It was one helluva night by all accounts, but I wouldn't actually know. That night I partied alone in our motel room because I'm such a special guy.
The real reason I stayed in with a full bottle of Jim Beam and the 1000 top songs of ‘99 countdown on MTV was because the only picture ID I had on me all trip was my 18+ card, which, despite being legal proof that I was infact over 18, was never ever accepted by any bastard of a bouncer. Honestly it was more than a hassle for me to try and get in anywhere with one than it was without. That's the price you pay for youthful good looks I guess.
Most of the gang stumbled back into the room in the wee early hours to find me singing illegibly into an empty bottle of bourbon. Common consensus by the morning though was that I had had a better night than most.
What can I say? I know how to party, even when I’m alone.
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