I'm not sure what the Chinese Zodiac says this year is, but given some of the antics around our waterways in recent days I suspect it's the Year of The Retard.
Firstly let me just say that the death of anyone whilst out swimming / boating / diving is a tragedy and I would never look to trivialise such a thing, but fuck me, some peeps don't half make it easy on themselves. I know there is always bound to be an element of the unsuspected whenever a large body of free flowing water is involved, but the least we can do is get the bloody basics right.
Like boaties who go out ill prepared, without lifejackets and in dodgy equipment. If that alone didn't justify their Mensa membership for the year then getting pissed whilst dangling one foot in a watery grave is just going full retard and nobody ever won anything by going full retard. Like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. Looked retarded, acted retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic? Sure. Not retarded.
How often do you hear of guys like that having to be rescued due to their stupidity? No bugger ever needed rescuing in a well equipped, well maintained, life jacket wearing boat. Why do boaties drink when on the water anyway? Is it not enough of a relaxant to be spending time away from the masses, on gods green ocean, with good mates, without having to get as pissed as a fart whilst you’re out there?
Speaking of money - why aren't Retards charged for their search and rescue? If they're proven to be culpable in causing the death of someone at sea they can be charged with a crime, so if they're proven to be clueless and unsuitably prepared then they should be charged for all that expensive aviation fuel the helicopter has to use to find them.
It's no wonder that organisations like the Westpac Trust Rescue Helicopter run on the smell of an oily rag when it spends copious amount of time and resources searching for Retards. And don’t get me started on under resourced, under funded lifeguards at places like Piha beach. If the place is so dangerous that they can make a dozen TV show episodes a year on just how dangerous the place is, then shouldn’t alarm bells be ringing?
This Year of the 'Tard has already seen several incidents involving jet boats and jet skis. Once only the playthings of only the rich and jammy, power boats and high powered jet skis are the most have for those suffering from societies biggest affliction these days; status anxiety. The need for speed and the next big rush has transcended from the roads to waterways and just like our roads it’s become a big wank fest over who has the flashest, most powerful penis extension on the water.
Take Lake Taupo. Once upon a time, if you were out deep enough, you used to be able to drop the daks and squeeze out a sneaky peanut slab without anyone noticing. Even the fish didn’t care, but then they wouldn’t would they? They root in the water. But these days you run the risk of it being flushed back amongst the family paddling in the shallows by the mega wakes caused from anything and everything with a motor.
All this talk of water safety of course starts with our kids learning to swim at school, which hardly ever happens any more. Schools don't have enough money to pay someone to give the lessons which leads me to ask the question - and it's one I find myself asking a lot these days - where the fuck do our taxes go if not to schools so they can pay for swimming lessons?!
Swimming at school was so much more than just water safety back in the day. We had a pool at our primary school and that meant separate changing rooms, the vent of which we boys would take turns in peeking up through. Yep, many a Naenae boy saw their first fanny through that vent.
At intermediate I saw my first boob whilst swimming (other than my mothers ‘softball in a stocking’ number) when one of the older girls had a shoulder strap malfunction whilst breaking the surface after a dive. She didn't notice but we fellas sure did and not surprisingly none of us wanted to stand up. Once we hit puberty, school swimming lessons were all about one thing and one thing only for us dudes; trying to spot stray pubes on the girls whilst underwater. Them were good times.
But these are not so good times and unfortunately the lakes, rivers and various water ways are much like everything else in this country of ours; crowded, abused and spoilt by a few idiots.
Year of the Retard. Get used to it. We’re only 8 days in.
No comments:
Post a Comment