Football Fever Cometh

This month heralds the arrival of every football fans wet dream; The World Cup Finals.

Now if there’s one thing I know its masturbation, but I also know a lot about football and thus I feel it prudent that I say a few words about the next four weeks which will mean more late nights than when Sky 1 used to play soft core porn after 11pm…

There is of course an added incentive for we Kiwis to be watching this time round because the All Whites are playing and aren’t some of us excited about it?! TVNZ for instance has started referring to the team as ‘our’ All Whites thus alienating the large number of it’s viewers who are not New Zealanders but let’s not let something like nepotism get in the way of impartial reporting aye?

Personally I don’t think the All Whites will embarrass themselves like they did at the Confed Cup two years ago when the Spaniards gave us a right good, pant’s down, ruler across the bare buttocks spanking. But then neither do I think we’ll be the giant killers some silly buggers seem to be proclaiming NZ to be. Hey I’m all for being optimistic but let’s be realistic first shall we?

So my money, or at least the sweepstake money at work, is on Spain. I like the look of the Dutch – who, least we forget, do wonderful things with pastry – and I do want Lionel Messi to dominate like he does at club level because that kind of shit just gets me moist, but if you threatened me with a broomstick dipped in Deep Heat I’d still pick Spain.

And that’s hardly a threat is it? More like a tease really.

Incidentally I’m running not one, but two sweepstakes this time round. Now close friends and those I’ve had awkward, but pleasurable drunken moments with will recall that my track record of such things is sketchy at best. The memories of the sham that was Sully and my attempt to run a sweepstake for France ’98 still linger on and all ‘lost entries’ jokes aside On Yer Bike Stu was watching me like a hawk the whole time.

I’ve got one on the go for my boys too, although there’s no cash involved, this is strictly a candy affair. The winner gets a dozen chocolate bars which as good as it gets when you’re eleven years old. I did contemplate cash, or cigarettes, but I had my doubts if the parents would really go for it.

But aside from all the punditry my heart beats for only one team. I may be NZ born and bred but for as long as I care to remember I’ve supported an English club and the English team. Every emotional football related memory I have ever had is tied, inexplicably to England and like any good relationships it’s a few good shags here and there but mostly disappointment.

Still, there’s no other team I’d love to see than Engerland to win it. More so than the All Whites and despite all the hype that sounds the English team at this point in the lead up to a major tournament, all of which comes out of England it should be noted, I know that deep down, they won’t.

Like I said, I’m optimistic but realistic.

Can the European Champs be World Champs?