The New Black (Man).

Let’s lighten the mood a little and talk about terrorism.

Terrorism is the new ‘black man’ in terms of being the best panic making phrase, particularly in the States, but even over here in little ol’ New Zealand, the country that no bugger would want to blow up.

That’s not to say we don’t have things worth blowing up. Wainui for example, would be a good start. Maybe even Dave Dobbyn because you know and I know for every ‘anthem’ he’s written there are two or three annoying as fuck numbers he’s also penned...

During the mid to late eighties there was the populist notion that most of the crime being committed in the States was being done so by ‘a black man’. Every time someone reported the suspect for a misdemeanour matched that particular description the hysteria got whipped just a little bit more.

Terrorism has reached that same absurd level and like just about everything, we are in a rush to prove we’re not immune to the same perceived invisible risk as everyone else. Why just last month a ‘mysterious package’ was discovered on someone’s desk at The Beehive.

It had written on it that it was a bomb, but apparently that wasn’t clear enough. The package remained a mystery until it was found to contain flies, of the cluster variety, which, admittedly, are extremely concerning if you’re rotting caribou, but not so much if you’re the PM. Or so I would have thought.

Why even today as I write this a mysterious device was found in a suspicious vehicle, which really sets two out of three alarm bells ringing doesn’t it? Imagine if that same vehicle was being driven by a black man then the shit really would have hit the fan. Fuck me.

Up and down the country old ladies are peering out their windows, phone in hand, finger poised over the 1 key - which they've already pushed twice - just waiting for the next black man they see driving a suspicous vehicle to go past....

Where has all this paranoia about bombs and terrorism come from?! When was the last time any bugger blew up anything of note in this country and at what point did we stop treating cars and briefcases and wrapped up boxes with ‘bomb’ written on them as anything but the obvious?

It’s at times like these I apply the ‘What would Grandad have done in the same situation?’ rule of logic because it seldom fails me.

Had he seen a car acting suspiciously – or rather the shifty bugger driving it – he would have gone over, tapped on the driver’s window and told him to piss off. He would have kept the briefcase and tossed it in the shed never to be of use, ever. And after laughing at the absurdity of the package having ‘bomb’ written on it, would stick his pocket knife in it to see if it really was an explosive device.

But that would be too easy wouldn’t it? Sure, bombs going off in Kabal and other such exotic destinations are grim and no laughing matter, but that doesn’t mean we have to start running around like a bunch of dicks every time someone forgets their briefcase whilst on lunch, or parks their rust bucket in an upmarket area.

And if someone is really serious about blowing something the fuck up are they going to write ‘bomb’ on the bloody thing? No. No they are not.

Terrorism; It’s the new black man.