Heard the one about Sammy Davis Jnr greeting Dean Martin at the pearly gates after his death?
“Well” says Sammy, “That’s fags for you Deano; whether you smoke ‘em or you poke ‘em, they’ll always kill you in the end”. You might need to Google it – or JFGI as my mate KB would say – to fully see the humour in it.
But I was reminded of it just the other night whilst waiting in the ‘express’ isle at the local chicken coop of a supermarket. What should have been a five minute milk and cat food expedition turned into a near death experience; I waited so long to get through I nearly lost the will to live.
The holdup was some silly bitch buying cigarettes, which are so unpopular these days even supermarkets can’t be arsed selling them. And hey, if Countdown can’t be bothered selling it then you know it must be shit. Lounge suites, yes. Durries, no.
So when you ask for smokes now at a supermarket there is a very high chance that the Chinese / Japanese / Indian girl at the checkout a) won’t know what they are, b) have any under her counter if she does and c) spend the next ten minutes rummaging through the various checkouts trying to find some.
Eventually, when she does get back to your line of dead men walking, it will be the wrong size packet, which is important because if there’s one thing that a smoker needs its more nicotine.
Funnily enough the cat food I was holding was not the one I really wanted either – the healthy weight formula – because that too was the wrong size. It only comes in big bags does the diet stuff, so you have to buy a shitload whether you like it or not. Defeats the point doesn’t it?
On one hand the wait is great, for making the buyer feel even more ostricicsed for still buying the silly things, but stink for every sad bugger waiting in the queue behind them. Like me. Why is it that supermarkets never make the promise that if you’re not served in ten minutes your purchase is free...?
Speaking of annoying, my son made me sit through the latest Justin Bebo video today. The one where he sings about having an Eenie Meenie penis or something.
He’s a smart cookie is the boy with a toilet swirly for a haircut; in this video he’s teamed up with the token black soul guy and he’s doing his bit for the self esteem of teen girls everywhere by having some of the biggest breasted adolescent girls I’ve ever seen dancing around him.
Can someone do us all a favour and get the kid hooked on smokes real quick please? Sammy Davis Jnr is waiting to greet him...
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