It turned out to be some posters I had scrounged from another department and they were AWESOME. Proper posters too, not little A3 size things you have to stand right up close to see, but floor to ceiling numbers that would knock the socks off even a blind man.
Naturally I took to hanging them around Help Desk High straight away because I love putting up posters, always have done. Maybe it had something to do with the multi-coloured, multi-striped wallpaper and carpet combo my old bedroom had back in our Statey, I just couldn’t cover the fucken things quick enough.
For a long time I wasn’t allowed anything on my walls other than the standard doily in a frame that some Nana had knitted. My sister’s mother had a thing about us too leaving drawing pin holes in the walls so posters were verboten. The very same woman would attempt to redecorate the hallway a few years later and made such a balls up of trying to strip the paper from the walls that she gave up midway through leaving one half of it looking like a poorly shaven scrotum.
Quite what the Housing NZ people made of it when the last of our clan eventually moved out I’ll never know. They were probably blinded by the nuclear waste green kitchen she had painted though and not noticed because to my knowledge nothing ever came of it.
The first real posters I recall putting up were WWF ones from the Sunday News that appeared on Page Three which up till then, had been graced by a spectacularly endowed topless girl each week. Someone must have complained though and that someone must’ve been a housewife because when the paper did make the change thousands of married men were suddenly a lot less inclined to pop out to get the Sunday paper.
Eventually them newsprint posters were replaced with football ones, lots of football ones. I didn't care who or what the team, if my weekly Shoot! had a poster in it (and it always had several) then it went on the wall.
At some point they were gradually replaced with Beverly Hills 90210 posters and alike from the kind of magazines that now do their utmost to make young girls feel bad about themselves. I did the same with my school books because covering them with that kind of rubbish was cool for the time.
Being a boy most of mine were slathered in footballers or scantily clad young ladies. Guess which one got me in trouble with our giant penis of an Assistant Principal? He decided my maths book was sexiest and degrading and ordered me to recover all my books. In my defense I claimed that the scantily clad fellas that the girls had on their books was a) just as sexist fuck you very much and b) made me feel a hell of a lot more inadequate than I already did at aged 14.
He didn't buy it of course. And he wonders why, almost without fail, his house got stoned every weekend.
He didn't send his kids to our school incidentally, which I always think is a bit suss when a teacher does that because either they plan to be such an arse hole to everyone that they seriously fear the retaliation that will be heaped upon their spawn, or they don't rate the school at which they work. The bastards.
Not that that was the last time posters got me in trouble. My attempt to steal a whole bunch of said mags from Foodtown got me snapped shoplifting and a subsequent trespass from the place for years, which sucked because most of my mates worked there and I'd have to wait for them outside to share the things they'd nicked whilst on shift. Oh the irony.
My last real foray into posters was when I worked in a music store and was able to get my hands on some serious wall hanging material. Like floor to mother fucking ceiling Oasis posters, or life sized cardboard cutouts of the Spice Girls, oh yeah. I didn't pull many birds during that period, admittedly and for the life of me I can't think why..
Nowadays of course I'm an adult and find quiet solitude in having a few block mounted Matrix movie posters and the highlight of my Christmas, a Spurs calender for the shitter. Yeah.
Little wonder then I got so excited to get my hand on her at receptions big box today.
The Sunday News replaced boobs with moobs on Page 3...
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